


Starved

by grey853



Category: due South
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Male Slash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-04
Updated: 2013-07-04
Packaged: 2017-12-17 15:22:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 68,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/869039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/grey853
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray is mandated to attend a stress management and team-building seminar and he<br/>takes Fraser with him. Both are surprised by what they learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starved

**Author's Note:**

> "Starved" started out like most of my stories lately, just the germ of an idea that took off. It began with the idea that Ray had to go to a training workshop, which he would hate, and Fraser would go along. Now, when you read the story, you might say, people don't really do programs like that, but you'd be wrong. Before I retired, I, too, had to participate in retreats that are very similar to what Ray and Fraser do in this one. Granted, I changed a few things to make it more specific to law enforcement, but believe me when I say that there are companies out there making a fortune off government and corporate contracts to do these team-building and stress reduction retreats all over the country. Whether they actually work and achieve the promised aims, well, that has to be judged by the participants and the people who pay for it.
> 
> To find just the right setting, I did some surfing on the web and found a great place called Starved Rock Park and Lodge. I checked out all the info and tried to make the story fit the actual details of the area as closely as I could based on what I saw on the web.
> 
> If you're interested in checking out the scenery and interiors of Starved Rock Park and Lodge, check out the following URLs. Pictures and information about the Lodge itself can be found at the DNR page at http://dnr.state.il.us/lodges/index.htm. For some great scenic pictures of the park, check out http://www.wildlifescenicphotos.com/starved_rock.htm. These are two of my favorite places to go to get information and inspiration for this story.

**Starved  
** by Grey  
[Grey853@aol.com](mailto:Grey853@aol.com?subject=Starved)

* * *

The growl did it, made his decision a hell of a lot easier. Sighing to himself, Welsh picked up the memo and the brochure from his desk and walked to his door. "Vecchio, get your butt in here."  
  
Ray held up a finger. "Just a sec, Lieutenant. I just got Dave Cooper on the line."  
  
"Tell him you'll call back."

"But, sir"

" **Now** , Detective."  
  
The muttered fuck didn't go unnoticed as Ray followed orders, snapping out a quick, "Call you back later," before he slammed the phone down. He stormed into Welsh's office, bitching and complaining like crazy. "Took me two days and fifty bucks to track that dirtbag down, all for nothing. So, where's the fire?"

Welsh handed Ray the brochure and motioned to his sofa. "Have a seat."  
  
Ray eyed the thing in his hands with suspicion like it might strike and bite any second. "What's this?"  
  
"Sit down and I'll explain."

Ray ignored the command as he studied the paper in his hand. Eyes narrowed and his face flushed with disbelief as the words on the page sank in. "Come on, sir, you've got to be kiddin' me. Tell me you're not serious."  
  
Welsh stood up straighter and again pointed at the sofa. "I can't help but notice you're still standing."  
  
Reluctantly, Ray sat down, but that didn't stop the protest. "Send Huey or Dewey, anybody but me, sir. Frannie loves this stuff. She's big on yellow and all this get in touch with your feelings crap."  
  
Settled behind his desk, Welsh leaned back, studying the undercover cop who'd moved in to take over for Vecchio months ago. Thin, blond, and nothing like the original, this guy stayed wound up, tense as a tripwire, never really settled down. He kept things constantly stirred up around him, too, people feeding off his energy. He always got the job done, but not without a hell of a lot of excess commotion. Welsh figured an adjustment period would change all that, but it never happened. Ray was one of the most talented guys Welsh had ever worked with, but he was also the most explosive. Problem was, he might blow up and self-destruct any minute, just one walking time bomb, and Welsh couldnt have that, not on his watch.

"You can't go around threatening to hose down your colleagues."  
  
Ray shook his head, still mad and disgusted, ready to spit nails. "Dewey stinks, sir. I was just thinking of the public welfare, not to mention their noses."  
  
"Regardless, it's not appropriate to embarrass people you work with day in and day out. We're a team here."  
  
"Hell, if he's not too embarrassed to bring his stinky ass to work, sir, he should be able to take a little honest criticism about his lack of personal hygiene. Big crybaby."  
  
Welsh ignored the name-calling, especially since it hit the nail on the head. Still, that brought him to the next complaint. "What about intimidating the suspects?"  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"You growled at one of the men you were interviewing yesterday, a Mr. Grady."  
  
"Grady? Are you talking about that scumbag who snatched that little old lady's purse and put her in the hospital? He's the animal, not me."  
  
"He's not the one growling."  
  
Ray sat back, his brow furrowed as he considered the words more carefully. "He complained about me, huh?"  
  
"Actually, it was his lawyer."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"It's difficult enough to prosecute cases without giving these guys ammunition for technical dismissals."  
  
"They can do that for growling, sir? I mean, I read him his rights and got a confession. I only growled once, honest."  
  
"Once too many."

"It wasn't like I smacked him around or kicked him in the head or anything."  
  
"I doubt there will be any real problem **this** time, but no more growling, got it?"  
  
"Got it, sir. No more grrr."

"Which brings me to the subject of Ms. Vecchio."  
  
"Frannie? She complained about me, too? What'd I do to Frannie?"  
  
"She wants your coffee and Coke machine privileges revoked."  
  
It took an extra beat before Ray smiled uneasily and wagged a finger. "This is a joke, right?"  
  
Welsh ignored him and explained. "Seems you've been more irritable then ever and she thinks perhaps cutting back on the caffeine might be the ticket. She even threatened to start a petition."  
  
Ray sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. It'd been a long couple of weeks. "Funny, sir."  
  
"Do I look amused?"  
  
"No, sir, you don't." Ray frowned. "Look, I'll admit I've been a little edgy, a little cranky maybe, but I've got a lot of cases. You know how it goes, bust a guy, bang a few heads. It's all about making an impression. Too much crime, not enough time, that's the problem."  
  
"That's the job. The pressure's nothing new. We all deal with it one way or another. Some ways work, some get you in trouble." Welsh paused and cleared his throat before he took on the real problem. "Look, I can't help but notice that Constable Fraser hasn't been coming around the last couple of weeks. You two have a falling out and didnt tell me?"  
  
Ray tensed up at the mention of his partner, his voice even tighter. "He's got stuff to do, important stuff like polishing apples and kissing Thatcher's shiny new boots." Ray leaned forward to make his case. "Look, I don't want to toot my own horn here, sir, but I'm a good detective. I can do my fucking job without the Mountie."

Whoa. Welsh sat back, the answer to his puzzle suddenly getting a lot clearer. "So I take it you two are fighting?"  
  
"Not **fighting** fighting. Just taking a break from this whole partnership thing."  
  
"What brought this on?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Nothing doesn't usually end a partnership."  
  
Ray shrugged, swallowing hard. "It's not over, sir, at least I dont think so. We just decided maybe we should stay away from each other for a little while, take a little breather. We kind of rub each other the wrong way right now. Go figure."  
  
Welsh snorted in amusement. "You two have been butting heads since day one. What's different now?"  
  
Ray stared down at his hands and shook his head. "Nothin', sir."  
  
Nothing apparently covered a multitude of sins, sins Kowalski wasn't ready to talk about. However, Welsh's main concern was keeping Ray in working order and oddly enough Fraser seemed to be the only safety valve that worked. "Okay, here's the deal. You and Fraser are going on this retreat together. I'll call Inspector Thatcher to get her to okay the leave."  
  
Ray's eyes widened in surprise. "Together, sir?"  
  
"Listen, Ray, I agree. You're a good detective, the best I've got, but you're even better when you work with Fraser. Right now that partnership seems a little rocky. Vecchio worked with the Mountie. You work with the Mountie. That's just the way it is. You're both going to this seminar and work things out, end of story."  
  
Shaking his head, still resisting, Ray argued harder. "I don't need some new age mumbo jumbo guy telling me to get in touch with my inner kid to be a better cop, sir. I'll admit I've been a jerk to Dewey, but he started it, and as for the suspect and growling, well, maybe I was a little over the top, but I've been hanging around with Dief and the whole growling thing must be contagious or something. It just seems to come natural." Before Welsh interrupted, Ray continued. "What if I apologize to Dewey? I mean, I might choke on it, but I'll do it if it'll get me out of this dumbass seminar crap."  
  
"Sorry. No can do. Look at the memo. I'm the lucky guy who gets to pick one team to go. It's some kind of federally funded grant to see if cops from all over the state can bond better with their partners in order to better serve the public. Ray made a gagging noise deep in his throat, but Welsh continued. "Plus, there's a whole session on stress management, tailored-made for a certain cop who tends to get a little too high strung sometimes."

Ray sat up straighter, even more defensive. "High strung? I'm not high strung."

"Face it, Kowalski, you're high strung, a little too intense for your own good."

"Intense is good. Intense keeps a guy on his toes and still breathin'. I'm just doing my job, sir. I don't need any stress management guru to tell me how to blow off a little steam. Besides, if you hung out with Fraser, you'd be a little stressed out, too."

Welsh didn't even bother to deny that, because he knew if he worked with Fraser one-on-one, day in and day out, he'd probably be behind bars or in a rubber room somewhere. Instead, he continued to explain to Kowalski that he meant business when it came to taking the seminar seriously, something the kid probably wouldn't do without some strong incentives. "Regardless, you'll be expected to cooperate and participate fully in the workshops provided. However, according to the brochure, you'll have most of the evenings free. Seems to me this is a perfect opportunity to work out the kinks between you and Constable Fraser."  
  
Ray dropped his head, his hands balled into fists and rubbing his temples. "Don't make me do this, sir."  
  
The plaintive words and pity me voice only solidified Welsh's resolve. Ray needed this and, if he didn't miss his guess, so did Fraser. "It's already done. Sorry there wasn't more advanced warning, but the memo just came down from the top at the last minute. Tell you what, you finish up and head home early. You and Fraser can figure out the travel arrangements on your own. You two register at the Starved Rock Lodge tomorrow at noon, and the project foots the bill. It's a four day deal, so you'll be gone through the rest of this week and the weekend, so pack a bag."

"What about my cases?"  
  
"There are other detectives who can handle them for a few days."

"What if I refuse to go?"  
  
Welsh stared at him, his lips pursed. "You want to keep working here?"  
  
"You saying if I don't do this, you'll find somebody else to play Vecchio?"  
  
"If I have to."

"That's blackmail, extortion even."  
  
"Just perks of the job."

"Damn, this sucks." Ray stood up and ran a hand through his hair. "You've got no idea what you're doing here, sir. This is going to be one of those F words."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"You know, the F word, fiasco or something."  
  
Welsh smiled and waved him off. "Stop complaining and go talk to the Mountie. Get whatever's bothering you off your chest. I mean, maybe this thing won't be so bad. Starved Rock Park is a nice spot even this time of year, right up the Mountie's alley, lots of trees and trails and"

"I get a rash whenever I go out of the city, sir, and it's the middle of winter for god's sake. It's nasty and cold and I'll freeze my skinny ass off."

"Then pack an extra sweater and some mittens. People pay big bucks to go to this place. Just take advantage of being off the streets for a few days and relax, have a good time. That's an order."  
  
Ray cracked his neck sideways, not happy at all, still aggravated at being backed into a corner. "You can make me go, but you can't order me to have a good time, sir."

"No, but I can order you to behave, or at least pretend to behave. You and the Mountie are representing the 2-7 as well as all of the Chicago PD in this retreat business. Don't make us look bad to the rest of the cops out in the state. Big city cops have enough problems without you showing off and making it worse. Keep your nose clean and play nice with the Mountie. I might have to shoot you if you screw up an assignment this easy." As an afterthought, he added, "And, I'd better not get any phone calls in the middle of the night about you two hunting down terrorists or driving flaming cars into the Illinois River, either."  
  
"That hurts, sir, that really hurts, like I'd be anything but professional. Looks to me like I'm not the only one around here who needs to go for some stress management." 

Welsh barked. "Out."  
  
Instead of leaving, Ray asked, "One more thing, sir."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You guys paying for gas or what?" Ray rushed out the door before Welsh got a chance to get a good aim.

* * *

Taking a breather, that's what Ray called it. 

Oddly enough, without Ray around, breathing wasn't any easier. It wasn't easier at all, quite the contrary. Fraser found breathing to be more of a chore, something he did out of habit and necessity, not something he truly enjoyed. It took Ray to bring joy to his breathing. 

Fraser sat behind his desk in his cubbyhole of an office and pondered the words carefully. He didn't quite understand what the phrase meant, didn't know the complete ramifications to a relationship when one person swore off seeing the other for an unspecified period of time. The fear of not knowing scared him almost as much as knowing that they couldn't continue as they were. Such dependence on another person led to things that didnt bear thinking about, especially not with Ray, and certainly not now after all these years of learning to survive alone. Fraser worked hard for self-sufficiency, prided himself on his skills. Then along came Ray Kowalski and suddenly Fraser's world turned on its head. Such autonomy no longer held the allure it once did. 

Fraser thought about that pivotal day two weeks ago, Ray red-faced and angry, spewing profanities. Ray called him inflexible and rigid, a stubborn control freak who didn't trust nobody. When Fraser automatically corrected the double negative, Ray threw his hands up in the air, stomped the ground, and cursed even more. 

Fraser found perverse satisfaction in being able to agitate Ray, or as Ray put it, "push his buttons", and Ray certainly had a myriad of buttons. It never got boring with Ray, something Fraser appreciated more than he ever let on. Knowing the results of his behavior, however, didn't seem to keep Fraser from testing Ray for his reactions, from seeing just how far he could go before Ray exploded and aimed all his energy and passion at Fraser as if nobody else in the world mattered.  
  
The image of his angry partner stirred up deep, unexpected feelings, and made Fraser uneasy. He cleared his throat as he saw the picture in his head of Ray's face, livid and intense, his blue-green eyes startling bright and fiery, nearly hypnotic. Baggy pants and an oversized leather jacket hid Ray's lean, but well-muscled body as Ray barely contained his frustration. Fraser found all that remarkably appealing, the way Ray used such strange and colorful expressions, the nasal sound of his voice, his sharp wit, the way his blond, spiky hair stood out from his head so incredibly defiant and attractive. Ray's unique qualities appealed to him, made him do dangerous and impolite things on purpose, things he never admitted doing to anyone else before.  
  
Fraser swallowed hard and blinked several times. That was the problem in a nutshell, why Fraser found himself pushing Ray to his limits, why he did things to upset him, knowing full well how he'd react. Fraser wanted to see Ray incensed because it aroused him, made him shudder in the dark with desire for more. Admitting that to himself for the first time shocked him, gave him pause to consider his own reason. 

Fraser never intended for it to happen, but then he'd never planned to fall in love with Victoria, either. It seemed he had little choice in the matter and that explained a lot of his outrageous behavior toward Ray of late. He didn't want his partner to know, to ever find out just how much more Fraser wanted from his partner, something far beyond just riding around together and being a Liaison Officer between their two countries.  
  
Closing his eyes, his face flushed slightly, Fraser recalled the night before. He lay alone on his cot, his hand slipping down between his legs while Diefenbaker snored in the corner. His body tingled at the memory of his favorite autoerotic fantasy, of how he'd touched himself, pretending Ray's hand instead of his own stroked him to release. Sometimes he envisioned Ray's mouth, his lovely lips and tongue closing around his erection and bringing him to completion. Sweat beaded Fraser's forehead as he remembered the intensity of such times alone. 

Fraser longed to know if Ray did the same thing, whether Ray thought of him instead of Stella when he pleasured himself. Fraser wanted so much to believe such a thing, but didn't dare hope, didn't let himself dream that he could ever replace Stella in Ray's heart. It stung knowing how much Ray still cared for a woman who rejected him, made him hunch his shoulders and deflate in front of Fraser's very eyes. 

Fraser didn't trust himself to ever be alone with Stella Kowalski.

A knock at the door startled him and Fraser lifted his face just as Turnbull poked his head inside the door. "Sorry to disturb you, sir, but the Inspector would like a word."

"Did she say what she wanted?"  
  
"No, sir. She did seem rather excited, but I'd never want to make an unfounded conjecture as to the cause. There was, however, a phone call from Lt. Welsh just before she asked to see you. Perhaps there's a connection."  
  
Fraser got to his feet in a hurry, alarmed. Ray could be seriously injured or even dead. He prayed to himself, to whatever gods or god might listen, that Ray was safe. As he rushed out of the office to see the Inspector, Turnbull asked, "Are you all right, sir? You look rather feverish."  
  
"I'm fine, Turnbull." But he didn't mean it. If anything happened to Ray while they were estranged, he'd never forgive himself. 

His breath strangled, Fraser knocked once before pushing in the door to the Inspector's office. A sharp, irritated voice chastised him. "Fraser, you should wait until I permit you to enter."  
  
"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Is Ray all right? Is he injured?"  
  
Inspector Thatcher didn't rise from her seat behind the desk. "Detective Vecchio is fine. What made you think he might not be?"

Relieved, Fraser finally took a deep breath, his heart still racing. He never used to get so frantic, but then he'd never before been partnered with Ray. "Constable Turnbull mentioned the call from Lt. Welsh."  
  
"And you assumed the worst. Understood." She waved a hand at the seat in front of her desk. "Sit down, Constable."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"I said, sit down."  
  
Reluctantly, Fraser sat, but never got comfortable. He rarely sat in the Inspector's presence and it unnerved him when he did. He supposed it had to do with the fight or flight mentality that took over whenever he got around his commanding officer, a woman he found increasingly more unsettling with each passing day of their acquaintance.  
  
"We have a situation, Fraser."  
  
"A situation, sir?"  
  
"Yes, a situation. It seems that while you've been doing marvels with the filing system around the Consulate, your duties as Liaison Officer have been neglected."  
  
Affronted by the accusation, Fraser sat straighter. He prided himself in his job performance above all things. "Did Lt. Welsh say I'd neglected my duties, sir?"  
  
"No, I'm saying it. He said you hadn't worked with Detective Vecchio in over two weeks, that you two had apparently had some kind of falling out. Is this true?"  
  
Fraser tugged at his ear nervously. He didn't want to explain to Inspector Thatcher what happened, how he'd foolishly rushed into a building and nearly gotten shot by a suspect or how Ray, subsequently, got angry and called for a respite from their partnership. It was a situation entirely of his own making and it shamed him that he'd handled it so poorly. She didn't need to know all the details and he couldn't bear to tell her. "Not a falling out, per se, more of a misunderstanding."  
  
"Is that why you've been moping around for the last two weeks?"  
  
Fraser stared, surprised, not quite sure if he'd heard correctly. "Moping, sir? I wasn't moping. I was attending to my duties here at the Consulate."  
  
"You were moping, Fraser, moping around like you'd lost your best friend." The petite brunette leaned forward, her voice deceptively soft. "I won't say I understand it. I personally find Detective Vecchio undisciplined, oftentimes rude, and having the colloquial manner of an adolescent. However, he does seem to be more intelligent than I originally thought and is certainly proficient at his job."

"Ray has an intuitive style, sir, one that is extremely effective, and much of Ray's bravado is posturing. He's really quite nice once you get to know him."  
  
"I'll take your word for it, Fraser. My main concern is that you two do good work together and that reflects well on Canada, and, therefore, me."

"Thank you, sir."  
  
"The point is, something's amiss. I've noticed it and so has Lt. Welsh. As your commanding officers, we've come to an agreement on how to amend that situation."  
  
"Amend, sir?"  
  
"You and Detective Vecchio will attend a seminar that's being held in one of the local state parks. He assures me that officers from all over the state will be there to hone their team-building skills. I've been to several such retreats myself when I first got promoted to command and have found that with the right attitude, one can gain a great deal of insight into the workings within a partnership and within the workplace in general. You should find it rather helpful in developing your social skills."  
  
Mouth dry, Fraser found it difficult to speak, painful to hope. "Ray has consented to go to this kind of seminar?"  
  
Thatcher actually smiled. "From what I know of Detective Vecchio, I assume he's been ordered to go." Fraser could only imagine how much Ray resisted not only the seminar, but going with Fraser as well. "At any rate, Fraser, I'll ask Constable Turnbull to look after the wolf."  
  
"But, sir"

"The wolf isn't allowed, Fraser. Turnbull might well have a brain like Swiss cheese, but I assure you he can be trusted with the animal."  
  
"That's not a problem, sir. Diefenbaker and Turnbull get on quite well. It's just, well, I think that this whole idea seems rather, that is to say"

Thatcher cut him off. "It's up to you, Fraser, to smooth over whatever problems you and Detective Vecchio have. As bizarre as it might seem, you have a key role in making sure that our Liaison program with the United States doesnt falter. That's your mission. Repair the breach and resume the program as before."

"Understood."

"In addition, you should know that you'll be leaving in the morning."  
  
"In the morning, sir?"  
  
"Detective Vecchio will contact you with the details later this evening. I'll expect a full report of the whole operation upon your return. Any questions?"  
  
Too stunned to really think clearly, Fraser shook his head. "No, sir."  
  
"Dismissed."  
  
As Fraser got up and turned to leave, she added, "Oh, and Fraser?"  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
"You're permitted to have a good time."  
  
"A good time, sir?"  
  
Shaking her head, Thatcher waved him on his way. "Never mind. I dont think a good time is even in your vocabulary."  
  
The words stung, but he nodded his head and took off back to his office. Ray would be there soon and they'd talk, finally. Fraser vowed to not fight, to keep from pushing any of those terribly tempting buttons. Instead, he'd be on his best Mountie behavior. Door closed behind him, Fraser leaned against it and let his head fall back, his eyes squeezed shut. Anticipation gunned his heart as he thought about being alone with Ray away from the city, away from their routine and other distractions. He pledged to take every advantage of the opportunity to make things right between them once again.

* * *

High strung and intense, that's what Stella used to call him. She always said that's what she liked best about him, his passion and heat, but then after fifteen years of together she suddenly changed her tune. She said that's what ruined the marriage, that she couldn't handle all that energy **all** the time. Ray even tried to water it down some, but it didn't last, and in the end, it didn't matter. Stella left and she'd been shooting him down ever since.

That was the thing about Fraser. He didn't seem to mind how wired Ray got about a case, about cars, about hockey, about anything. In fact, he fed on it, got caught up in a fever, like he'd never before had that kind of fierceness in his life. When Ray thought about it, that was probably the truth. All that snow and ice froze a guy up, made him all cold inside, reserved and detached. Ray shuddered at the thought of living like that. Give him the edge and a fast track any day to sitting back shuffling papers, smothered in routine. That was no way to live, especially for a guy like Fraser. 

Still, there had to be limits and Fraser reached it two weeks ago. Damn him anyway for not having enough common sense to think before he ran after that asshole instead of waiting for backup. Fraser acted like he was bullet-proof, like nothing could touch him. All he needed was the fucking cape, Mr. SuperCanadian, the guy who jumped off roofs and dodged bullets like he was some kind of fucking cartoon hero. 

Ray parked the GTO in front of the Consulate, turned off the engine, and shut his eyes. He still saw Fraser talking back, arguing, niggling, going on and on about how he was fine and that Ray was overreacting. Fuck that. Fuck Fraser. 

Gripping the wheel with both hands, Ray took several deep breaths to calm himself down. It'd been two weeks and he still got all crazy just thinking about that day, how Fraser did everything he could to piss him off. Hell, if he didn't know better, he'd think he was doing it on purpose. It didn't make any sense, but that's the way it seemed, the way Fraser knew just the thing to do or say to make Ray want to beat the shit out of him just to get him to shut up and act right.

Ray shuddered at the thought of socking his friend. He never ever wanted to do that again, punch Fraser. It nearly did him in last time. He still had nightmares. That's why he had to call a time out, had to. Clobbering Fraser just got too damn tempting when Fraser kept yakking on and on about how he was never in any real danger when Ray knew for a fact that the bullets just missed sending his partner to that big cop house in the sky. Or maybe Mounties went some place else, some cozy cabin in the woods or something. He didn't know and he sure as hell didn't want Fraser to find out any time soon. 

So for both their sakes, he called a time out, rang a bell between rounds so they could both go to their separate corners and think about shit for a while. Ray wanted this thing to work, but not if it meant watching Fraser take a bullet or losing him after he punched his lights out for being a crazy son of a bitch who never once took time to think about what it would be like for Ray if he got himself offed. Selfish Mountie needed a wake up call and Ray needed a break. He wore himself out worrying about whether Fraser would get himself killed. He couldn't handle that, wouldn't put himself in a position like that. No way would he ever let himself care that much about anybody ever again. Stella stomped his heart flat and he wouldn't let anyone else get a second chance to finish what she started. 

Not that Fraser was like Stella, he wasn't. He was a guy, his partner. But then partnership was sort of like a marriage, not that he'd ever had a cop partner long enough to make a real, honest-to-god comparison. Ray had to admit, though, Fraser was different. Fraser made him care too much, even when he didn't want to. Maybe that's why Ray got so pissed off when Fraser acted like a dumbass and did crazy stuff, stuff that made no sense. Fraser was a good cop, the best he'd ever met, better than him even. Yet he pulled stupid shit, shit like running around with no gun, taking chances that no good cop should take. Ray just didn't get that. 

Ray jerked in surprise at the double tap at his window. He turned to see Turnbull leaning over and smiling through the glass. He rolled down the window and snapped, "What?"  
  
"Are you coming inside, Ray?"  
  
"Maybe, probably, in a minute. Why?"  
  
"Well, I was just leaving for the day and I thought I'd let you know that Constable Fraser is waiting. He's still working on some reports, but he's expecting you."  
  
Ray rubbed his chin, still uneasy about seeing Fraser after being apart for so long. "Is he okay?"  
  
"Okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean, has he said anything about me, about what happened?"  
  
"No, but I did wonder, not that I would ever overstep that personal boundary. It's just that he's seemed so blue the last few weeks, not like himself at all. Perhaps this trip will help cheer him up."  
  
"He's been blue, huh?"  
  
"Positively dejected, or as you Americans would say, down in the dumps."  
  
Maybe there was hope after all. Maybe Fraser missed him as much as he missed Fraser, missed him enough to shape up. "Okay, okay, that's good then."  
  
"Good? It's good that Constable Fraser's been so dejected?"  
  
"No, not dejected. I didn't mean it like that. Look, you run along home, okay? I need to go in and straighten some stuff out with Fraser so we can take off first thing in the morning."  
  
"As you wish. Good evening, Ray. I hope you both enjoy the seminar." Turnbull tipped his hat and headed off down the street. Ray rolled his window back up and got out. He blew on his hands and rubbed them together against the cold before pulling up the collar of his leather jacket. The icy wind stung his cheeks and he figured he'd better dig out the heavier coat before they took of to the wilds of Illinois. 

Taking the steps two at a time, he pushed open the wooden doors and walked in. His heart thumped a little harder as he stepped to the door of Fraser's office. He raised his fist, but never got a chance to knock. Fraser opened the door first, his face anxious and uptight. "Ray."  
  
"Fraser."  
  
"Come in."  
  
"Sure, okay." 

Fraser closed the door behind him and motioned to a seat by the desk. "I hope you've been well, Ray."  
  
"I've been okay. You?"  
  
"As well as can be expected."  
  
"What's that mean, as well as can be expected?"  
  
Instead of explaining, Fraser asked, "May I take your coat?" Ray shrugged off his jacket and handed it over. "Have a seat, Ray. I've taken the liberty of making some fresh coffee. Would you like some?"  
  
Surprised, Ray settled into the chair. Dief sniffed at his leg and said hello in his own wolfie way by nosing his crotch. Ray pushed him away as he ruffled the thick fur. "You've got coffee?"  
  
"Inspector Thatcher said you'd be dropping by this evening to make arrangements for the trip. With the weather as it is, I thought you might appreciate something hot to drink."  
  
Ray scratched his head in confusion, wondering what was up. "You made coffee just for me?"  
  
"Yes, Ray, I made coffee just for you. Would you like some?"  
  
"Sure. Thanks."  
  
Fraser poured some coffee from the thermos carafe on his desk. He dropped a sugar cube into it and stirred before handing it to Ray. "I didn't have an opportunity to buy any of the chocolate candies you like. I hope this will be sufficient."  
  
"It's fine. Thanks." Ray sipped the delicious drink and sighed in appreciation. Leave it to Fraser to make perfect coffee when he didn't even drink the stuff. "So, is this your way of saying you're sorry?"  
  
Fraser pinked up and tugged at his ear. "Is it that transparent?"  
  
"Nobody likes to come right out and admit he was an asshole."  
  
Clearing his throat, swallowing a whole boatload of crow, Fraser nodded. "Agreed."  
  
"You agree with the nobody likes to admit part or the fact that you were an asshole part?"  
  
"Both."  
  
Ray drank some more coffee and then put down the cup. "Here's the thing, Fraser. We've got to come up with a plan or something. We can't just keep going at it like we're not even friends much less partners."  
  
Fraser paled at the words and sank into the chair across from him. "Ray, you are my friend, my best friend. Please don't think otherwise."  
  
"I don't. You're my friend, too. So, what's the problem?"

"It's been my experience, Ray, that even best friends argue on occasion."  
  
"Yeah, but not all the time, and not tooth and nail like we've been doing lately. It's like you go out of your way to make me lose it, to push every button I've got. Why is that, Fraser?"  
  
Fraser dropped his gaze down to his hands and took a deep breath. "I apologize for my infuriating behavior, Ray. I assure you it's not my intention to lose you as a friend."  
  
"Yeah, well, it beats me why you do the shit you do, but it's got to stop, Fraser. Hear me on this. You pull another stunt like you did on the Nelson case and I'm hitting the highway on this partnership thing, Vecchio or no Vecchio."  
  
"Ray"  
  
"No arguments here. You get yourself whacked and I'd never forgive myself. Got that?"  
  
Sitting up straighter, Fraser nodded, his face still whiter than it should be. "Understood, Ray. I take full responsibility for my actions. If I should ever get myself whacked, as you call it, it'd be my own doing, not yours."  
  
Ray shook his head and put his arm out, his hand on Fraser's shoulder. He squeezed hard, pleased that Fraser finally met his gaze again. "You're not listening, Fraser. You're not going to get killed because you're not going to go off half-cocked and do something stupid, not when you're riding with me. Are we clear? Do I have to repeat this?"  
  
Fraser shook his head, his lips thinned into a weak grin. "No, Ray, you don't have to repeat it. I understand."  
  
"Good, because I have to tell you, doing the job on my own the last few weeks sucked." Ray squeezed Fraser's shoulder one more time for good measure and then released him. He sat back, hoping like hell that Fraser really meant it, really would stop with the death wish act. "I hate to admit it, but I kind of got used to having you and the wolf around." He didn't add how lonely the last two weeks had been, how watching hockey wasn't nearly as much fun without Fraser there to listen to him bitch about the lousy plays and players. No way did he want Fraser to ever know how eating by himself, when he bothered to eat at all, made him feel empty, like he had this huge hole in his gut that nothing but having Fraser around would fill.

"I feel the same way, Ray. The last two weeks have been difficult."  
  
"Difficult?" 

"Yes. It's odd really."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
Fraser reached over and picked up the carafe and warmed Ray's drink as he spoke, his words quiet. "Most of my life I've worked on my own. The few partnerships I've had, well, most have not been very satisfactory. It's different with you."

Ray leaned in closer again to hear every word. "Different? Different how?"  
  
"It's hard to describe."  
  
"Try. You're a wiz with words. Give it your best shot. How is working with me different from working with those other guys?"  
  
"Well, you're unique, Ray."  
  
Ray flashed a grin, flattered that Fraser thought he was one of a kind. "That's a fact, but then so are you."  
  
"Still, it's hard to explain the synergy that occurs when we work together."  
  
Ray's brow wrinkled. "Synerwhatsis?"  
  
"Synergy. It's the idea that two separate forces come together with a greater impact than either has individually."  
  
Nodding, Ray understood that, felt the same way. "Yeah, like a duet. You set 'em up and I knock 'em down. We're both good cops, but we're better as a team than on our own. Makes sense."  
  
"Yes, it does."  
  
"Synergy, huh?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good word." Ray paused and then took a step back in his head, not wanting to get too carried away, reveal too much of himself and what kind of synergy he really wanted. "So, you like feel that with me, huh, this synergy thing?"  
  
"Yes, and not having it the last few weeks, well, it's taught me a lesson."  
  
"What lesson's that?"  
  
"That as a member of a team, I have to think of you as much as myself. I can't go headlong into something without first considering the ramifications to you as well."  
  
"Damn straight."  
  
"By the same token, you, too, must bear a portion of the responsibility for my sometimes overzealous responses."  
  
Frowning, Ray shook his head and held up a hand. "Hold up. Are you saying it's my fault that you do this shit?"  
  
"I'm not trying to assign blame, Ray, but merely to explain. By nature I'm not very impulsive. My association with you has changed that somewhat. Now I tend to be a bit more spontaneous. On a certain level, I also find myself competing to do the job as well as you do."

Ray's mouth fell open in surprise. "You're kidding, right? Are you saying you think I'm a better cop than you are?"  
  
"In some respects, yes."  
  
Getting up, Ray paced the small room. Proud on the one hand and shocked on the other, he couldn't quite believe Fraser really believed that. "Fraser, first off, you know that's crazy, right? You're super Mountie, the guy who'd jump off a cliff to catch a litterbug. I mean, the first day we met, you took down a performing arsonist for Christ's sakes."  
  
Fraser's voice tightened. "I'm not a super Mountie, Ray, and if you'll remember, it was you who stepped in front of bullet to save my life when Ms. Garbo pulled the trigger."  
  
"I was wearing a vest."  
  
"She could have lifted the gun and shot you in the head at any time. My point is, it's that kind of instinct, that impulsive drive to protect others, that makes you such an excellent police officer."  
  
Ray couldn't help but soak up the praise. Those words coming from Fraser meant a lot to him, a lot more than he wanted to ever admit. It stroked his ego to think that Fraser of all people thought he was good at his job. "Look, you don't have to say that, Fraser. I forgive you for the other day. Just don't let it happen again."  
  
Fraser frowned and stood up, moving in closer to Ray. Personal space didn't always mean a whole lot to Fraser. "Do you think I'd be obsequious just to win your forgiveness?"  
  
"Obsequious?"  
  
"Using false flattery in order to gain favor."  
  
"No, no, of course not." Ray backed up a couple of paces, the small room suddenly too warm. "I just meant that"

"That what, Ray?"  
  
"Nothing. I'm just not used to people saying stuff like that about me."  
  
"You should be." Fraser stopped edging forward and stepped back. "I'm sorry, Ray. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable."  
  
"It's okay. Not a problem. This room is just way too little for two grown men and a wolf. It's like being locked up in a damn closet." Suddenly light-headed, Ray cleared his throat, skirting the whole closet reference as best he could. "Why dont we get out of here and grab something to eat? You had supper yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good. Let's go to Lenelli's and work out the details for this seminar crap."  
  
"Seminar crap, Ray?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, don't start. You know as well as I do this is going to be a big waste of time."  
  
Fraser handed Ray his jacket and picked up his own hat after fetching his wool coat from the closet. "On the contrary, Ray, this could be a great opportunity."  
  
"To be bored silly maybe."  
  
As Fraser opened the door, he smiled that up-to-no good smile he got right before he ended up giving Ray a headache. "Let's have dinner. We can discuss it later."  
  
"It's supper and is that your way of saying, 'Shut up, Ray, you're full of shit?'"  
  
"It's my way of saying I'm hungry and that I missed having a meal with my friend."  
  
Ray stood a little straighter, a little lighter in his boots. "Yeah, I missed eating with you, too."

* * *

Ray stared down at the map and traced a line with his finger to show Fraser the general directions to the park. "We'll head out of town, pick up I-55 south and then go west on I-80. It should take a couple of hours. We have to be there by noon, so I figure I'll pick you up at nine, you know, just in case there's traffic or bad weather or something. Plus, I want to check in and not have to worry about leaving the bags in the car."  
  
"I see." Fraser leaned back against the booth, processing all the information. "Have you been to this park before, Ray?"  
  
"Me? No." Ray folded up the map and put it aside on the table. He'd thought about going there once with Stella, but she didn't **do** parks, didn't do the quaint and cozy routine. It was nothing but upscale for Stella, Stella who wanted everything gold-plated and fancy. He shook his head to get rid of the image of his ex-wife bitching in his head about his lack of class in the romance department. He wished he still smoked. He'd light up in a heartbeat just to get rid of the nasty taste of bad history. "You know me and nature, Fraser, not a good mix."  
  
"So you've said, but you seemed to do fine when we were on the ship and that's a form of nature."  
  
Ray sipped at his beer and shook his head. "Do not bring up the boat, Fraser."  
  
"But, Ray"  
  
"It sucked. I got clobbered and nearly died." Ray finished off his beer and ignored those worried blue eyes. He didn't want to think about that moment, that incredible touch of Fraser's mouth to his own as his partner kept him from drowning. Ray lifted his empty bottle and signaled for another beer. "Change the subject."  
  
"Are you sure you should have any more to drink, Ray? You still have to drive home."  
  
"Two beers on a full stomach won't put me over the limit."

"Still"  
  
"Don't start."  
  
"Start what?"  
  
"Nagging. You do that nagging thing and it gets on my nerves." Ray sat up a little straighter and cleared his throat. "Look, we just made up. Let's not fight, okay?"  
  
"Okay." Fraser worried the fork and didn't say anything else when the waitress brought Ray his beer.  
  
Ray drank a couple of sips before he asked, "So, what do you really think about going to this thing?"  
  
"I think it's an excellent opportunity."  
  
"To do what? Play party games and stand in a circle?" 

"Now, you don't **know** that's what we'll be doing, Ray."

"I've been reading up on this stuff and these guys are big on circles. I mean, how's that supposed to make me a better cop? What am I supposed to do next time somebody holds up a bank? Go up to the robber and, say, 'Hey, scumbag, you want to drop the gun and hold hands so you can tell me all about why you robbed that bank?' Yeah, that'll work. That'll reduce crime all over America." Fraser studied him an extra long minute and then sighed, a really big, unMountie-like sigh. "What?"

"Actually, when I said I thought this retreat was an excellent opportunity, I was referring to our reestablishing the partnership rather than working through the seminar itself."  
  
Surprised, Ray let the words sink in and then smiled. "Oh, okay, okay, I can work with that. That I can work with. You and me, partners, working in tune again. We can do that."  
  
"I'm glad to hear you say that. Just because you've been ordered to attend, doesn't mean we can't make the best of it."  
  
"Now, come on. What makes you think I wouldn't jump at the chance to go out to the middle of nowhere to listen to some hack who's probably only seen cops on TV tell me how to be a better cop in real life?"  
  
"If it makes you feel any better, Inspector Thatcher ordered me to go as well. It would seem she and Lt. Welsh are both concerned about our partnership."

"Yeah, Welsh said as much to me, too."  
  
Fraser drank some of his tea as they both stayed silent for a few extra moments. Finally, he cleared his throat. "Ray, I really am sorry for what happened."  
  
"Yeah, I know. The coffee was a nice touch though, thanks."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
"So, Frase, you Mounties do this kind of stuff up north, this team-building and stress management stuff?"  
  
Fraser reddened and cleared his throat. "Actually, there have been seminars given, yes."  
  
Shaking his head, Ray got the picture. Fraser, all alone up in the Yukon, missed all the meetings. "You never went, huh?"  
  
"There's not a lot of need for those kind of exercises when one works alone on the tundra. As for managing stress, well, I find communing with nature the best form or relaxation."  
  
"Oh, yeah, nothing like chasing a herd of caribou to relax a guy."

Fraser ignored the sarcasm as he finished. "However, when required, I tended to opt for more instructional in-service programs."  
  
"Instructional?"  
  
"Yes, as in primarily sessions that deal with things of a procedural nature."  
  
"As in the boring stuff. Sometimes I think police work would grind to a halt if they stopped making paper."  
  
Fraser shrugged and finished off his tea. "I usually find it informative."  
  
"You like listening to guys talk about sewers for eight hours, too. Face it, Fraser, your tolerance for stuff like that is way up there."  
  
"Unlike you, who" Fraser stopped himself from snapping.

"Unlike me what?"  
  
"Nothing."

Ray shook his head, not wanting to let it go. "You were going to say something. What were you going to say?"  
  
"It's not important."  
  
Leaning in on his elbows, Ray countered. "You don't have to stop talking because you're afraid of pissing me off, Fraser. That's not buddies."  
  
"I don't want to fight, Ray."  
  
"Doesn't mean you have to shut up. If you've got something to say, say it."  
  
Fraser hesitated, but complied. "I was just going to say that your attention span is sometimes alarmingly short when it comes to subjects that don't interest you."  
  
Sitting back, Ray grinned, happy it wasn't something a lot worse. "True enough. Mum always said I had the attention span of a gnat. Used to drive my teachers nuts."  
  
Relieved, Fraser cracked a smile again. "I didn't mean it as a criticism, Ray, merely an observation."  
  
"That's okay. I observe stuff about you, too, stuff like you're too caught up in rules sometimes. Look, we can't be walking on eggshells all the time or we might as well call it quits right now."  
  
Fraser shook his head vehemently. "I don't want that."  
  
"Then relax. You act like this is a first date or something, like you're afraid of saying the wrong thing."

"But I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to jeopardize the partnership ever again by saying something that might upset you."  
  
"Fuck that, Fraser. We might as well walk away right now if that's how you want to play it."

Fraser frowned in confusion. "I don't understand."  
  
"You don't have to stop being honest with me. I can take criticism and you being pissy sometimes. I want you to say what you feel. In fact, things might be a lot smoother if you'd stop holding back so much."  
  
"I thought that was the problem. You get angry when I say certain things."  
  
"So what? Sure I get mad sometimes, so do you. We've been doing that since day one. I don't mind fighting, Fraser. I just don't want to fight about certain things, things like whether it's okay to get yourself shot."

Fraser's eyes widened with understanding. "I see."  
  
"What do you see?"  
  
"I see that it's not the actual bickering that bothers you, but rather the substance of the disagreement."  
  
"English."  
  
"It's okay to fight, but not about certain things."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"Understood." Fraser took a deep breath and his face brightened. "This will make things a lot easier, Ray."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes. I must admit, I really didn't see how we'd have a meaningful conversation again if I had to curtail my every thought before speaking."  
  
"This doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to piss me off, though."  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"It just means we can keep on like we were doing before you got carried away."  
  
"Or we could both try harder to be less abrasive to the other."  
  
"Like be nice and stuff?"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
Ray scratched his head and shrugged. "Well, I guess we could give it a shot, but I don't know how long that'll last. You know me, Fraser, the king of self-centered and off the cuff."  
  
"On the contrary, Ray, I dont see you as self-centered at all. Focused perhaps and goal-oriented, but I find you extremely emotionally expressive and caring. Granted, you do tend to be somewhat impulsive in your reactions and sometimes your words aren't as well thought out as they might be, but I don't believe for a moment that you'd intentionally say anything to hurt someone's feelings." Fraser paused and then added, "Well, with the exception of Detective Dewey, of course."  
  
"Yeah, well, Dewey deserves whatever he gets."  
  
"You two do tend to be at odds a great deal."  
  
"He's an asshole, plain and simple."  
  
"Do you mind my asking what it is about Dewey that causes such a strong negative reaction, Ray?"  
  
Ray squeezed his eyes shut, replaying the sound of Dewey's voice using the words "fag" and "queer" as he put down Fraser whenever he didn't think Ray could hear. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Fraser staring at him with concern. "It's personal, Fraser."  
  
"I understand, though I sometimes worry that the antagonism will eventually spark some kind of physical altercation. I hope that doesn't happen."  
  
"Only if he opens his big, fat mouth to my face about certain things."  
  
"Such as?"  
  
"Such as I don't want to talk about Dewey anymore." Ray finished off his beer and put the empty on the table. "So did you mean that, what you said about me being caring and stuff?"  
  
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
"I do care about people, Fraser. Sometimes I think I care too much. It hurts to care."  
  
"Yes, it does."  
  
Ray glanced up and met searching blue eyes. "You get that?"  
  
"Indeed, I do. On the other hand, without caring there's a terrible emptiness one must contend with. That's a different type of pain is it not?"  
  
Ray heard the words, but took an extra second or two to process the hugeness of what Fraser just said, the importance of it. Once he did, he nodded and smiled. "Yeah, that's true. You've got to pick your pain."  
  
"Well said."  
  
Ray grabbed up the check and slid out of the booth. "Come on. Let's get out of here. I'll take you back to the Consulate so you can pack and get some sleep. And remember, no uniforms this go round, just casual."

"What about my hat?"  
  
Ray smiled, thinking he sometimes wished he could have his own Stetson. "Yeah, you can bring your hat."

"Thank you." 

"Not a problem. I've got to get home and dig out some heavier winter stuff."  
  
"Doesn't the lodge have modern heating, Ray?"  
  
"Doesnt mean it'll be warm enough. You know me, always cold, always needing extra layers. Besides, they might have us traipsing around in the hills or something."

Stepping up to the counter to pay the bill, Ray looked sideways to see the smile, Fraser's hopeful expression. "Ray, might it be possible, that if we have time away from the seminar, that we can do some traipsing on our own? I must admit I've never really seen that part of Illinois before. However, I've seen pictures and it seems quite lovely."  
  
"But pictures aren't like the real thing, I get that. Sure, sure, okay. I'll pack some hiking boots and the ear muffs."  
  
Fraser slapped him on the back, looking happy like Ray just told him Santa's sleigh was on the rooftop. "This will be a wonderful time, Ray, I just know it."  
  
Not quite convinced, Ray got his change and hoped he didn't freeze to death or fall into the river or something stupid. Still, making Fraser happy made him warm and tingly inside. Nothing wrong with that, nothing that he wanted to admit anyway.

* * *

Ray dropped his bag on the king-sized bed and looked around the room. It had a white stone fireplace and enough rustic charm to make him forget he'd been forced to show up in the first place. "Wow."  
  
Fraser put his duffle and hat down on the other side of the bed. "Wow, indeed. It's a very nice room, Ray. Are you sure this is the right one?"  
  
"You heard the man at the desk. We were the last minute sign ups and we got the only room they had left that wasn't being renovated, the deluxe cabin room. Jeez. I'd hate to see what the other guys got if we got this one."  
  
Fraser cleared his throat. "There is just one slight problem, Ray."  
  
Nodding, Ray knew what was coming. "You mean the bed, right?"  
  
"Bed as in singular."  
  
"But it's huge."  
  
"Still"  
  
"What? We're closer in the car than we would be sleeping in this thing. I mean, we can get a rollaway and take turns, but it's a hell of a big bed, Frase. Seems a waste not to use it."  
  
"As long as you wouldn't be uncomfortable, Ray."  
  
"Why would I be uncomfortable? We've been squashed up a lot more close and personal than this when we were riding around in that submarine thing."  
  
"But that's a bit different."

"And we've camped out side-by-side before when we were staking out Luanne's place." Ray punched the mattress a few times, happy with the firm bounce, not too soft, not too hard, but just the way he liked it. "We could just pretend it's the ground or something."  
  
"I just don't want you to be embarrassed if people should get the wrong impression about us sharing a bed."  
  
Ray thought to himself that he should be so lucky. He refused to meet Fraser's gaze, but shrugged and kept his voice neutral. "Yeah, well, I don't mind if you don't."  
  
"I don't mind, Ray."  
  
"Good, good, that's settled." Relieved, Ray took off his heavy winter coat and walked over to the closet. He hung it up and then unzipped his bag to start unpacking. The first thing he pulled out was a brand new fifth of Ledaig, twenty-year-old Isle of Mull 80 proof single malt Scotch whiskey, the good stuff, top of the line. Hell, it should be pure gold for what he'd shelled out. He put the bottle on the bedside table and then proceeded to put his clothes in the dresser. Fraser didnt say anything as he stowed his own clothes away, but Ray didn't miss the disapproving glace at the bottle. "What? You got something to say about me bringing booze on the trip?"  
  
"It's not my business, Ray."  
  
Ray's mouth took off, just explaining away, hoping Fraser wouldn't disapprove too much. "I just thought it'd be nice to have it for later, you know, to unwind some, just a nightcap or two. I mean, have you seen the prices in these kind of places? They charge you an arm and a leg for a drink." Ray reached into his second suitcase and pulled out several bags of chips and M & M candies. "Ta da! Refreshments. Believe me, Fraser, this will save us a bundle before the week's up."  
  
"But junk food, Ray?"  
  
"It's only called junk because it tastes so good." Ray held up a finger in a just wait motion and pulled out another bag. "I bought this for you. Couldn't find any made out of rotten, dried-up old moose, but this beef jerky stuff looks just as gross. Knock yourself out."  
  
Fraser laughed as he took the huge bag of Pemmican. "Thank you, Ray. That was very thoughtful."

"You're welcome." Ray lined up his snack bags on the top shelf of the closet and then put his empty suitcases at the bottom. When he turned around, he found Fraser staring at him, his eyes dark and his face flushed. "What?"  
  
"Nothing." Fraser's voice sounded funny, kind of husky and choked up a little.  
  
"You okay? You coming down with something?" 

To check for a fever, Ray reached over to touch Fraser's forehead, but Fraser jerked back with a protest. "I'm fine, Ray."  
  
"Well, your skin's cool, but if you start feeling bad, just let me know. Don't think you have to tough it out on my account. You think you need a doctor, say the word and it's vamoose, hey, hit the highway, back to the big city in no time."  
  
Fraser shook his head with amusement as he realized the ploy. "I'm not sick, Ray. I'm afraid you don't have me as an excuse to leave early."  
  
"Well, maybe I'll get sick. You never know."  
  
"Unless I miss my guess, I would imagine Lt. Welsh would require a doctor's statement to prove it."  
  
Ray settled on the bed beside Fraser, knowing full well that his partner had a good point. Welsh would have his ass in a sling if he fucked this up for no good reason. Short of a psycho or a couple of terrorists on the loose, he was probably stuck for the rest of the week. "Yeah, I know. He's a cynical bastard sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I like the guy, but he sure is a hard nose."

"Over our years of association, I've found that Lt. Welsh is an exceptional commanding officer."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, he is. I can't argue with that. Still, once he gets an idea in his head, you might as well call it quits on doing anything different."  
  
"True enough."  
  
Ray suddenly realized he was parked on the bed, thigh-to-thigh with his partner, Fraser's muscular leg wrapped in tight denim right there in the flesh. He wanted to just go for it, to reach out and touch it, but he caught himself before he made a real ass out of himself. His face hot, Ray got up and fetched the packet for the conference. He cleared his throat and did his best to sound and act normal. "Did you get a chance to look at this schedule yet?"

Fraser didn't notice Ray's flustered condition, or if he did, he didn't say anything. Instead, he got his own material out to read. "I did scan it while you were signing the register. There's a 'get-acquainted' buffet in the LaSalle Room from noon until one-thirty. After that, we're to report to the Starved Rock Room for orientation. According to this, we'll be split up into five smaller groups after that."

Ray pulled out a blank tag with the instructions to write his name and city on it and to wear it for the first day. "God, I **hate** name tags."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Yes, Ray, why? After all, we don't know anyone. It seems far more expedient than having to repeatedly introduce ourselves."  
  
"It makes me feel like Im back in grade school, that's why. It's stupid."  
  
Without arguing Fraser took a pen and wrote out _Constable Fraser/Chicago_ on his tag. He peeled off the backing and stuck it to his flannel shirt over his pocket. "Would you like me to fill yours out as well, Ray?"  
  
Ray snarled and snatched the pen from Fraser. "All right, all right, I can do it myself. Jeez." Ray filled in _Det. Ray Vecchio/Chicago_ on his own tag and slapped it on his shirt. "There. You happy?"  
  
"Exhilarated beyond measure. Now, would you like to go down and have some lunch before we go to the meeting?"  
  
"I'd rather have a root canal, but, yeah, I guess I could eat."  
  
"Let's try to be positive in our focus, Ray. Perhaps the food will be tasty enough that you won't mind the workshops required to pay for it."  
  
"Want to bet?"  
  
Fraser snorted and shook his head. "I don't wager, Ray, but if I did, I'd be an idiot to take that one."  
  
"And you're no idiot."  
  
"Not usually, no." Fraser opened the door and motioned for Ray to go first. "After you, Ray." 

Ray stepped out and let Fraser lock the door. They passed the heated indoor pool. Ray shivered. He hated deep water, hated swimming. Just thinking about it gave him goose bumps and not the good kind. "Ray, are you all right?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. I just wish the room wasn't so close to the swimming pool."  
  
Fraser frowned and then apparently got it. "I'm sorry, Ray. I didnt even consider that it would be a problem. Perhaps we can find someone who will switch rooms with us."  
  
"No way I'm giving up that room, Fraser. I mean, **damn** , we got a fireplace and everything. Forget about it."  
  
"But if the pool makes you uncomfortable"  
  
"No, it'll be all right. I just have this thing about water, you know?"  
  
"Yes, I know." They walked into the main area, a huge great room, the fireplace roaring. People sat on several of the sofas and chatted while others stood at the windows admiring the scenery, pointing and making ah sounds, but not the Fraser ah sounds, just the wow, what a great view ah sounds. Ray had to agree. Starved Rock rocked hard when it came to fantastic scenery even in winter. He thought he might like to come back in the fall when the trees turned all different colors, come back when he didn't have to jump through hoops and do a song and dance for some bozo know-it-all. 

Instead of heading for the buffet, Fraser touched Ray's arm and they halted. "Ray?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I could teach you to swim properly. Perhaps that would lessen your fear of the water."  
  
"You already tried that. Bloom, close, kick 'em in the head, remember?"  
  
"I remember. You did very well considering the circumstances."  
  
"Yeah, right. Considering it was swim or become fish food, I did okay. Doesn't mean I ever want to go swimming again." Ray looked around, wanting nothing to do with the conversation. "Where the hell is the LaSalle Room anyway?"  
  
Fraser pointed to the left. "I believe it's this way."  
  
"Good. Let's go see what these clowns are going to feed us before torturing us the rest of the day."

"Attitude is everything, Ray."  
  
Snorting to himself and squaring his shoulders, Ray nodded. "Attitude's about the only thing I've got going for me."  
  
"That's not exactly what I meant."  
  
"I know what you meant and you know what I meant. Now, let's go eat. Maybe if we're really lucky, they'll have an open bar."

"That's highly unlikely. This is, after all, an official, federally funded program."  
  
"What? You think those guys in the government don't get plowed at lunch sometimes? You think they dont get snockered? Hate to pop your bubble, Fraser, but this ain't Canada."  
  
As they reached the entrance to the room, Fraser asked, "What are you saying, Ray? Are you saying that Americans consume more alcohol than Canadians?"  
  
"I'm saying it's not unheard of for some people to have a few shots for lunch. I mean, I don't usually because I'm on the job, but this isn't exactly on the job. It's more like instead of the job."  
  
"That makes no sense, Ray."  
  
"To you, maybe, but to me it makes perfect sense. This isn't real work. This is just _pretend_ work. Welsh can make me come here on the clock and pretend to care about what these guys have to say, but that doesnt mean I have to listen."

"Ray, you really are taking a rather narrow view of the situation."  
  
"Fraser."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Let's just eat. Believe me, by the time we get to the end of the day, you'll change your tune."  
  
"I think not."  
  
"Bet me."  
  
"Now, Ray"  
  
"Bet you some air."

Fraser hesitated as he considered the proposition, obviously tempted, probably hoping to win like he did last time they played poker. "How much air?"  
  
"How about a whole park full?"

Fraser's lips thinned into a grin. "Well, in that case, all right. Air it is."

* * *

Fraser sat beside him in one of the chairs around the long table. He leaned over and whispered, "I do believe I owe you a rather substantial amount of air, Ray."  
  
Ray grinned and nodded, like there'd ever been any doubt about that one. "Oh, yeah." 

They'd just finished the ice breaker where twenty full grown cops, both men and women, stood in a circle and called each other by name repeatedly in rapid succession until everybody knew everybody else's first name without the tags. Now they were doing a self-portrait on newsprint with pencils and crayons. Fraser finished off a drawing of himself in his red uniform standing at attention with Diefenbaker at his side. It could easily have been a photograph, down to the shine on his brass buttons and brown leather boots. 

Meanwhile, Ray managed a simple line drawing of a stick guy with wacky yellow hair like a crown, his face fierce and defiant. He wore a huge silver badge and boxing gloves as he stood in front of his sleek GTO parked at the brick station house. Ray held up his paper, tilting his head as he studied it, satisfied with his result. "I know I ain't that Picasso guy, but it looks okay to me."  
  
"Ray, what exactly are we hoping to accomplish by drawing ourselves?"  
  
"Beats me. It's probably some trick psychology test or something. Be sure not to sketch anything that he can hold against you in a court of law, okay?"  
  
Fraser folded his arms and shook his head stubbornly, his voice still a whisper. "There should have been better directions."  
  
Ray glanced sideways, knowing Fraser was still upset about earlier. "You're still pissed off about the name tag thing, right?"  
  
"Nothing in the booklet said anything about just using our first names. I don't see why it should be an issue that I go by Fraser."  
  
Ray teased. "Me, neither, **Ben**."  
  
Fraser turned in his seat and took a deep breath. "I know it's a little thing, Ray. I dont mind you calling me Ben. In fact, I've wanted to tell you that for some time. It's just thatwell, that is to say"  
  
"You don't like being forced into it and definitely not in front of strangers. If you want to go by Fraser in public, then you should go by Fraser in public, dot it, file it, put it in a box marked done, right?"

"Exactly." Relieved, Fraser leaned a little closer. "Thank you for understanding."  
  
"Not a problem." Ray hesitated before he added, "And you're sure about that, about me calling you Ben sometimes?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"What about Benny?"  
  
Fraser shook his head, not even taking the suggestion seriously for a second. "Not unless you want me to, how do you say it, Ray, 'pop you one'?"  
  
Grinning at Fraser's attempt at humor, Ray nodded. "Yeah, that's how I say it. Okay, so no Benny." Ray picked up Fraser's drawing and whistling in approval. "This is really good."  
  
"It could be better."  
  
"You're too hard on yourself sometimes. Shut up and take the compliment. It's good." Ray held up his own drawing and put it next to his face. "See any resemblance?"  
  
Ben reached over and took Ray's drawing, admiring it. "Actually, it's very modern, yet impressionistic as well."  
  
"Impressionistic? Is that your way of saying it doesn't really look like me as much as an impression of me?"  
  
"It's my way of saying it's very creative." Fraser took his own drawing and Ray's and put them side by side on the table. "While mine shows a basic knowledge and skill of sketching, there's not a lot of personal expression. It's adequate workmanship, nothing more. Yours, on the other hand, is far more indicative of your personality. It reveals a lot about how you see yourself."

"Oh, yeah?" Ray stared at his picture again, but shook his head. All he saw was a crappy drawing by a guy who couldn't draw worth shit. "What's it say about me?"

Dan Clemens, the facilitator of the group, walked up behind Ray and interrupted. "Better yet, Ray, what do you think it says about you?"  
  
Ray eyed the short man with glasses and wanted to smack him a good one. He hated eavesdroppers and buttinski types who sneaked around like that. It was all he could do to keep his hands to himself and not smack him around a little to teach him a few manners. Still, he remembered Welsh's orders to behave, so he kept it short and snappy. "We were kind of having a private conversation here."  
  
Clemens didn't act the least bit concerned by Ray's tone or attitude. He just kept right on talking stupid, like he couldn't take a hint even if it were delivered with a sledge hammer. "The whole point of the exercise, Ray, is to see how you see yourself. I agree with Ben here. I think it reveals a lot about you, or at least what I've seen of you so far. What I want to know is what you think it says about you?"

Ray bristled at the guy calling Fraser Ben when his partner had made it pretty damn clear earlier about his preference. Ray thumbed in Fraser's direction. "Well, Fraser here wants to be called Fraser. So, how about we start with that before we go to the next round?"  
  
Clemens did react to that. He glanced over at Fraser and then back at Ray. "We really wanted to use first names during the program. It's sort of standard procedure."  
  
"It's funny."

"What's funny, Ray?"

"I could've sworn that was you standing up front, doing that opening speech deal, going on and on about how we needed to learn flexibility, work on being more open to new experiences, and to respect our partners more, which included his or her differences."  
  
Uneasy at having his own words thrown back at him, Clemens reluctantly admitted the facts. "I did say that."

"See, I do pay attention and I think it's time to practice what you preach, put your money where your mouth is, and stop talking out of both sides of your face. You either respect a guy's wishes or you don't."

Clemens caved. "You're right. If Ben here wants to be called Fraser, then that's what we'll call him."  
  
Fraser spoke quietly. "Thank you, sir."  
  
"I didn't mean to disrespect you or your choice, Fraser. It's just that I do these retreats all over the country. After an initial resistance, most people prefer to use their first names, even police officers, once we explain the informality of our program. It's sort of a way to break down barriers."  
  
Ray chimed in. "Well, he's from Canada. They do things different up there."  
  
"I guess that explains it." Clemens brought his attention back to Ray's drawing. "And he's right. Your picture is a spitting image if you ask me."  
  
As Clemens walked away to go bug somebody else, Ray scratched his head. "What's that supposed to mean, spitting image?"  
  
"It means it's a powerful and forceful impression of your nature, Ray."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Indeed. It's got style."  
  
Ray shook his head and laughed out loud, his head swimming with Fraser's compliments. "A man with style is a man who can smile." Grabbing another piece of paper from the pile, he shook his head as he started to draw his car. "I can't believe I'm getting paid to go back to first grade."

* * *

"This is about trust, folks. Now, you're each paired up with your partner. We've shown you what to do. Let's start with three or four falls and then switch places. When we're finished, we'll discuss how it felt to be the one falling as well as the one catching. We'll discuss if one role seems easier for you than the other and why. Let's begin."

Standing on the wrestling mat, Ray looked over at Fraser. His partner stared off into the distance, like he was all tensed up for some reason. He patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Fraser. I trust you. I know you can catch me, no problem. This will be a snap."  
  
"Of course, Ray. I won't let you down."  
  
"See that you don't. You dropped my ass in that alley during the Lady Shoes case and my butt still hurts when it rains."  
  
Fraser shuddered from the memory. "I'm sorry. I tried to explain about my back, but"  
  
Ray smacked his upper arm playfully. "I was just kidding. Lighten up. After this, we get to go outside for a while. Maybe I can collect on some of that air you owe me."  
  
"Right you are." Others around them started the exercise, one person falling backwards as the other caught him or her. "I suppose we should begin."  
  
Ray turned around, took a deep breath, and crossed his arms over his chest. Legs together, he closed his eyes and without thinking twice, fell back into the strong arms of his partner without a hitch. Fraser lifted him back to his feet and Ray joked. "See, easy as pie. A couple more times and then it's your turn. Okay, let's do this again."

Ray got into position and repeated falling back twice, more relaxed with every try. Each time Fraser caught him and lifted him to his feet easily. Ray hated to admit it, but he enjoyed this part, the contact of his body in Fraser's arms. He knew Fraser was strong as a bull, but he rarely got a chance to really **feel** it. This was great, this was something he could do and have fun doing it.

Turning, getting ready to catch Fraser, Ray stopped suddenly. Fraser stood there, all pale, his expression grim. "What's wrong? Did you hurt your back when you were catching?"  
  
"No, my back is fine, Ray. It's just that I'm concerned. After all, I weigh somewhat more than you do."  
  
Standing straighter, a little insulted, Ray shook his head. "I'm stronger than I look, and you don't outweigh me by that much. It's those silly pumpkin pants that put the pounds on. Now stop messing around and let's do this thing before Danny Boy comes over and butts in."

Taking a deep breath, like he was getting ready to go in front of a firing squad or something, Fraser turned his back to Ray. As he crossed his arms, Ray got into position, bracing himself with his knees bent, and waited. Then he waited some more. "Hey, are you going to fall sometime this week or what?"  
  
Very still, Ben shook his head. "I don't think I can do this, Ray."  
  
Frowning, not sure what was going on, Ray urged him on. "Come on, Ben. You'll be fine. I won't drop you, promise. I mean, you jump off roofs and leap out of second story windows without a problem. This is nothing. Now, on three. One. Two. Three." Ben stayed upright, his arms wrapped tightly around himself. Ray stood up, his concern growing as he saw the slight shaking of those broad shoulders. "Okay, hold up. Don't fall. I'm coming around."  
  
Standing in front of Fraser, Ray saw the tight lines and solemn expression. Fraser opened his eyes and apologized. "Ray, I'm sorry."  
  
"About what? That you can't do some stupid game?"  
  
"It's not a game. It's a trust exercise."  
  
"Yeah, I know. So, like what, are you saying you don't trust me?"

Horrified, Fraser shook his head. "It's not about you. It's me. I could fall forward, but falling backwards, well, that's a problem."  
  
"Yeah? How come?"  
  
"Well, if I fall forward, I can see where I'm going."  
  
"And you don't have to trust anyone else to do the work, to catch you if you miss, because you don't miss."  
  
"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just finding this incredibly difficult."

Ray's eyes narrowed, his chest tight with sympathy. He'd never really seen Fraser quite like this, quite so vulnerable. It about broke his heart. "Yeah, I see that. This whole trust thing is really hard for you, huh?"  
  
"I do trust you, Ray."  
  
"But not enough."  
  
Fraser stood suddenly very still as though Ray had slapped him. Blue eyes stared deeply into Ray's while Fraser's tongue licked his lower lip not once, but twice. Fraser suddenly cracked his neck sideways to release the tension. Then he swallowed very hard and took a long breath before he managed to speak. "Let's try it again."  
  
"You sure?" Ray's voice softened as he considered how hard this was for his partner. "Nobody says you have to do this. It's not like you're going to fail the class or win a prize either way." Ray put his arm out and rested his hand on Fraser's shoulder and whispered, "It's not that important, Ben. You don't want to do it, we don't do it, period. Fuck these guys and their stupid games."

Showing more resolve, looking more like himself, Fraser shook his head. "No, I want to try again."  
  
"All right then. Let me get back into position."

After setting up one more time, arms outstretched and ready, Ray called out. "Anytime you're ready."  
  
After a hesitation and a shudder, Fraser fell back. He was a lot heavier than Ray expected, still tensed up and stiff. Ray's knees almost gave way, but they didn't. Neither man fell to the mat and with all his strength, Ray did the same thing for Fraser that Fraser did for him. He heaved him back to his feet and praised the effort. "Good job. Let's do it again."  
  
Their gazes met, Fraser's eyes dark with relief and something else Ray couldn't quite make out. "Thank you, Ray."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For understanding."  
  
"Hey, we've all got issues. You don't like to fall on your ass without a good cause and I don't like drowning. It's not a big deal." With a nod and a grateful smile from Fraser, Ray slapped his shoulder. "Okay, let's do it again until it's easy."

* * *

"This is the dumbest thing we've done yet."  
  
"I'm afraid I have to agree." Fraser held Ray's arm firmly as he guided his partner down the wooden steps that led back to the lodge. Fraser reached up and adjusted the blindfold before he added, "Be careful. There are two more steps before we reach the level platform and it's wet as well."

Ray followed the directions to the tee, depending on both Fraser's body and his voice to get him through the course. An icy wind whipped at Ray's face and he shivered. He'd taken off his gloves to hold on tighter and now his hands ached from the cold. "How much further?"  
  
"You're doing very well, Ray. Only a little bit more and we'll be back to the beginning."  
  
As they walked along, Ray hoped like hell he didn't look like a complete idiot for walking around a very public state park with a blindfold on. It helped knowing that there were forty-nine other pairs out there somewhere, all doing the same stupid ass thing with their own little teams. 

At the same time, he worried about what would happen when it got to be Fraser's turn. They'd made it through the falling exercise deal, but this was a lot different. This was going out in the woods without being able to see anything and hoping like hell your partner didnt lead you off a cliff. He trusted Fraser with his life, but he had his doubts about what Fraser might feel about him, a guy who was a lot better behind the wheel of a car than walking along some muddy trail with wet leaves making the ground slippery as hell. He'd almost lost his footing a couple of times only to have Fraser's strong arms once again hold him steady and safe. Ray prayed Fraser could relax enough to do him the same favor and let him lead the way the next round. He hoped that nothing went wrong, that he didn't screw up and make things worse, made it impossible for Fraser to know in his heart that he really could rely on him when he needed more than just a strong arm.

"We're almost back to the front of the lodge, Ray. Keep matching my pace."  
  
"Sort of like dancing and letting you lead."  
  
"That's an excellent analogy."  
  
"So, Fraser, are you going to be okay when we change this thing around, when I'm the one leading?"  
  
"Actually, I should be fine. I've had a little experience with blindness."  
  
Ray wracked his brain, but failed to find anything that fit that scenario. "When was that?"  
  
"During the extended convalescence after I was shot, Ray and I were going to my father's cabin to do some rebuilding. The plane crashed and I was blinded. I even lost the use of my legs temporarily. Ray led me around and later carried me until we were finally rescued."  
  
Ray wished like hell he could see Fraser telling that story. He remembered it now, how the escaped con had hijacked the plane, how before it was over, despite his injuries, Fraser and Vecchio had captured the guy. "I read about that. You suffered some kind of serious head injury and still brought the guy in who killed the pilot and took over the plane."  
  
"I couldnt have done it without Ray, Ray."  
  
"Seems only fair since he was the one who shot you in the first place. Tit for tat, even Steven."  
  
Fraser stopped walking and Ray nearly tripped. Ben's words came out tight. "Ray didn't shoot me on purpose."  
  
"I didn't say he did."  
  
"You implied it."  
  
"How'd I do that?"  
  
"With your tone."  
  
"You can imply with a tone?"  
  
"You most certainly can."  
  
Ray squeezed Fraser's hand, his fingers going numb. "Listen, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just running my mouth."  
  
Fraser took a deep breath and squeezed Ray's hand in return. "Understood." As they walked again, Fraser added, "I didn't mean to sound defensive."  
  
"But?"  
  
"But some people have suggested that Ray shot me deliberately. I never believed that, but I must confess that after the shooting, I found it difficult not to consider the possibility. He certainly had legitimate reasons. I later discounted it and Ray redeemed himself several times after that."

"Still, you wondered. That made you feel guilty, huh?"  
  
"Yes, it did."  
  
The ground under his feet got harder, more like the path heading in towards the lodge. "Imagine how he must have felt when he realized he'd shot his own partner."  
  
"Believe me, Ray, I have. After I finished feeling sorry for myself, I put myself in his place. I don't know if I could've handled it with as much aplomb as he did."  
  
"Aplomb?"  
  
"Composure, cool, ease, as it were."  
  
"I know what aplomb means. I just meant that I never thought of Vecchio as an aplomb kind of guy."  
  
"Oh, he is, Ray, very much so. You two share that trait."  
  
"We do? You think I have aplomb?"  
  
"You have a surfeit of aplomb, Ray."

The nearness of the voices of the other participants kept Ray from saying thanks or returning the compliment. Dan Clemens called out. "You may take off your blindfolds now, but do it slowly. Give your eyes time to adjust. We're going inside to warm up and have some hot chocolate and coffee. In fifteen minutes or so, we'll go around again, but we'll switch places. Afterwards, we'll do the wrap up session for the day and discuss how it feels to be the leader or the one being led."

Ray slipped off the blindfold in a hurry, but took his time to open his eyes. Squinting, the light like sharp, little spikes in his eyeballs, he complained. "This sucks, Fraser. Wonder if Welsh had any idea what he was signing us up for."  
  
"I would imagine he did, Ray. As a Lieutenant, I'm sure he's probably attended some of the same type of professional training programs." 

"Welsh is old-school. I can't see him doing this stuff with a straight face."  
  
Fraser walked beside him and smiled as they entered the great room, heading for the refreshments. "Well, I never said he did it with a straight face, Ray. I rather doubt he did. Knowing Lt. Welsh as I do, I think he would more than likely have plenty of caustic and sarcastic comments to make."  
  
"Oh, yeah, a real laugh riot, sort of like the ones going on inside my head right now."  
  
"Most certainly."

Once in the LaSalle room, Fraser pointed at an empty table. "Have a seat, Ray. Would you like coffee or hot chocolate?"  
  
Ray really wanted a shot of whiskey, but he played nice. "I'm feeling a little pooped. Make it a coffee, one sugar."  
  
"I'll be right back."  
  
Settling down in the chair, Ray rubbed his hands together to warm them up. As he watched, three of the female cops gathered around Fraser as he tried to get the drinks. Ray shook his head, knowing how uncomfortable his friend got when the inevitable happened, when women, and sometimes even men, moved in, bees to honey. He got a pain in his gut, sort of like when Stella kissed Orsini, that tight squeeze like he needed to throw up. He hated seeing those women go after Fraser, but there wasn't a hell of a lot he could do about it.

To his surprise, Fraser didn't get red-faced, but instead simply nodded politely, and got the drinks, managing to get away a lot easier than he ever did with Frannie. He sat down across from Ray and handed him the coffee along with a plate of chocolate chip cookies. "Here you go, Ray."  
  
"Thanks." Ray blew across the cup, making sure the drink wasn't too hot before he took a sip. Better than that muck from the station, he enjoyed half the cup before he asked, "So, what'd all the ladies want?"  
  
"Oh, the usual."  
  
Eyebrow raised, Ray smiled at Fraser's uncharacteristic, offhand tone. "The usual?"  
  
Sitting close to Ray, Fraser kept his voice lower than normal. "They asked about my availability later in the evening."  
  
"They hit on you, huh?"  
  
"I believe that's the vernacular, yes." Fraser took a sip of his hot chocolate and closed his eyes. "This is really quite good, Ray. I like the little marshmallows best."  
  
"You do, huh?"  
  
"Yes, marshmallows aren't very plentiful in the Yukon. I have to be careful. I find myself sometimes overindulging in them when they're available."

"Oh, yeah, those marshmallows can be pretty dangerous."  
  
"Believe it or not, I have to work to keep my weight down."  
  
Ray really didn't believe that, but figured he'd go along. "Explains all the walking, huh?"  
  
"I prefer it to sitting behind a desk."

"Yeah, me, too."  
  
Shifting uncomfortably, Ray focused on his own drink, not trusting himself to say what he had to say if he looked Fraser in the eye. "Look, Ben, about those women, if you see someone you're interested in, you don't have to worry about me. I can hang out in the room or even in the bar later. Go and have a good time. You're not stuck with me all night if you find something better to do. You can even borrow the car if you want to head into town or something." When Ben didn't respond, Ray took a deep breath and looked up. His partner stared at him, an amused expression on his face. "What? What's so funny?"  
  
"Silly perhaps, but not funny."  
  
"Why silly?"  
  
"Ray, I dont even know those women."  
  
"And you never will if you keep giving them the cold shoulder."  
  
Shaking his head, Ben put his cup down. "Why would you think I'd prefer to spend time with strangers when we came here to be together?"  
  
Ray suddenly remembered that poem, that weird one about hope being the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. For Ray it was sitting in his belly, down deep, down where he couldn't reach it or make it stay calm. Wings fluttered in a sweet sort of panic. "We came here to be together?"  
  
"Isn't that why we came, to be better partners, to settle differences? That's not likely to happen if I respond to uninvited and unwanted advances."  
  
Hope drooped just a little. "So you're saying this is just about the job, about us working together?"  
  
"Certainly thats part of it." Ben leaned in a bit closer, his breath warm on Ray's still cool skin. "But it's also about friendship, Ray, about our relationship and how we fit together."

Claws scratched at Ray's insides, impatient. He swallowed hard, the words out there between them. "You want to go up to the room for a few minutes to talk in private about this relationship thing before he go out and play Blind Man's Bluff?"

Fraser shook his head, but his eyes sparkled with a yes. "We can't go right now, Ray, but as soon as we finish this ridiculous session, we need to talk."  
  
"Talk, huh?"  
  
Fraser stood up, grabbed the blindfold and his hat. "I'll meet you out front as soon as you finish your coffee."  
  
A bit stunned and dizzy, Ray shook his head, wondering if Fraser was really saying what he thought he was saying. Maybe Ray was dreaming. Maybe Canadians didn't give off the same signals American guys did when they wanted to make a move. 

Draining his drink and shoving a cookie in his mouth, Ray got up and figured the sooner he dragged the blind Mountie through the woods, the sooner he'd have an answer. He hoped like hell this meant they'd be doing more than chatting and telling caribou stories in front of the fireplace later on. If not, he might have to use that damn pool after all, just jump in and drown his sorrows. He was in way over his head with Fraser half the time anyway. Why should now be any different? 

* * *

Ray led Fraser along one of the trails further out from the lodge than the one they'd used earlier. His partner had a death grip on his arm and shoulder, occasionally tripping on a root or a rock, but doing pretty well overall. "So, Ben, you doing okay with this blindfold thing?"  
  
"I'm fine, Ray, though I have to admit, this isn't as easy as I first thought it would be. The wet conditions and cold make it a bit more tricky than my first experience. Your steady guidance is greatly appreciated."  
  
"You're welcome. Ready to turn around and go back now?"  
  
"More than ready."  
  
"Slow and easy then. Stop and turn." Ben followed Ray's lead and they headed back the way they came. "You're doing great."  
  
"I feel clumsy."

"Yeah, I know. It'll get better. Just relax and lean on me."

Walking along, Ben stayed quiet, straining to use his other senses to give him clues about his position. Ray understood that, had done the same thing to a certain degree. In the end though, he'd found that just letting Ben do the work cut the strain, made it a lot easier to get through the ordeal of being blind and having to depend on someone else to do the guide work. Ben had trouble with that, with just trusting someone else to lead.

Ray knew it wasn't about Ben not trusting him, at least not entirely. All his life, Ben had to be independent, do his own thing, live that whole self-reliance in the wilderness number. That had to be a bitch to get over this late in life. Frankly, Ray didn't know how Ben did as well as he did sometimes. Still, it hurt a little knowing that Ben didn't trust him completely like he trusted Ben, well almost completely. Ray hadn't told him the truth about his feelings yet.  
  
Ben interrupted Ray's thoughts. "Ray, I have a confession."  
  
Ray glanced sideways, surprised. "A confession? You need me to do the Miranda thing?"  
  
"This isn't a joking matter, Ray. Please listen. I've been thinking about this for sometime and I need to tell you something important."  
  
Hoping Ben would say the right thing, but not necessarily right then and there, Ray countered. "I'm all ears here, but can't this wait until we're back to the room so we're not freezing our asses off?"  
  
"I don't think so. I don't think I can say this when I can see you."  
  
Ray stiffened, not sure if he wanted to know what it was Ben needed to be blindfolded to say. He took several deep breaths before he asked, "Okay, what?"

"This is difficult."  
  
"Just spit it out."  
  
"I'm afraid I've been less than a good partner, Ray. I've been selfish and thoughtless, thinking only of my own gain."  
  
Ray took a deep breath to keep from blowing his stack. This wasn't turning out like he'd hoped, not by a long shot. "Cut the crap, Ben. What's this about? What are you really saying?"  
  
Still walking along slowly, both hands on Ray's arm, Ben swallowed several times before he continued. "The situation with the Nelson case was all my own doing."  
  
"Well, yeah, I know that."  
  
"You don't understand, Ray. I did it on purpose."  
  
Ray halted and Ben stumbled. After he got Ben straightened back up, Ray snapped. "Say that again."  
  
"I said, the situation with the Nelson case"  
  
"No, say that part about you did it on purpose again."  
  
"When I ran in the building, it wasn't just a spontaneous response in order to capture Nelson. I did it on purpose. I knew exactly what I was doing."  
  
Shaking his head, Ray tried for the life of him to figure out what the hell that meant. Why would Fraser do something so incredibly stupid? It made no sense. "I don't get that. Why would you risk your life on purpose?"  
  
"Because I knew how you'd react."  
  
Shocked, Ray couldn't believe it, couldn't take it in. "You mean you wanted me to worry myself shitless and go ballistic?"  
  
Once again Ben squeezed his arm as his voice tightened. "I knew you'd be angry and upset, yes."  
  
"But you did it anyway? Why the fuck would you do that?"  
  
"You have no idea how you look when you get angry, Ray, how vibrant you become."  
  
"Vibrant?"  
  
"Yes, vibrant, your whole body comes alive with energy and color. More importantly, when you get angry, you focus entirely on me. My actions were shamefully self-serving." Ben hung his head, waiting for the punch, not saying another word.

Ray didn't know what to say, how to react. Ben almost got himself killed just to get some attention, and not even the good kind of attention, but the kind that got a guy dead or popped by his freaked out partner. Crazy didn't even begin to cover it.

They stood there in silence for several long moments before Ben finally spoke, his voice strained and shaky. "What I did was unconscionable. I'd understand if you didn't want any more to do with me."  
  
"Shut up, Fraser. Don't say another damn word." Ray jerked his arm away and walked several paces from where Ben stood, blindfolded and alone. Heart swelled with emotion, Ray swallowed back the hurt, the pain of knowing that Ben wanted so much more than they had, needed it and the only way he thought he could get it was to chase a fucking bullet. 

Ray knew Ben had problems, knew he had all these strange issues about relationships, but, fuck, who didn't? Ray still got wound up and dick-happy every time Stella walked into the squad room even though he knew she'd bust his balls every chance she got. That wasn't the most healthy way to live, either, sort of an emotional death wish. Stella was a man-eater, no doubt about it, and yet he kept giving her pieces of himself to munch on. How was that different from what Ben did when he fucked up just to get a reaction, some kind of attention from Ray? The only difference was that Stella didn't use a real gun, didn't use live bullets to shoot him down. That didn't mean it hurt any less when she told him to fuck off. Ben, on the other hand, risked his life on purpose just to get Ray going, to get his dander up and make him go wild. 

What a dickhead.

Ray stomped back over to his silent partner and without warning, punched him in the shoulder, not hard enough to knock him down, but hard enough to hurt. "Ow. Ray?"  
  
"Just shut up and listen. I'm pissed, okay? But with a blindfold on, you're not going to get the full vibrant thing, the full effect."  
  
"Full vibrant thing?"  
  
"Did I just say shut up or what?"  
  
Ben hushed and let Ray rant some more. "Look, what you did was so stupid, I don't even know where to start. You don't need me to get fired up to get my attention. You get it everyday, every minute we're together, and even sometimes when we're not. You think I don't date because I don't get offers?"  
  
"Well, there was Luanne and the young woman you flew away with in order to have, what I can only assume was, a brief, personal encounter."  
  
"Fraser, I swear to god, if you keep interrupting, blindfold or not, I'm going to pop you a good one."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"You should be. You're loony tunes, certifiable. I don't know how they let you out on your own sometimes." Ray took a deep breath and reached out to take Ben's arm. As soon as they were reconnected, Ray commanded Ben to come along. "We're heading back in. We're going to talk about this, but later, after I cool down and stop seeing red. Right now I've got to think. Don't mention this again until I'm ready. Got that?"  
  
Ben didnt answer or say anything and after a full minute of silence, Ray nudged him. "You can talk now."  
  
"I understand your anger, Ray. I don't deserve your forgiveness."  
  
Ray shook his head in utter frustration. "I swear, you're a nut, a real honest-to-God freak sometimes."  
  
Fraser nodded and kept walking, his voice just a whisper in the wind. "So it would seem."

* * *

They made it all the way through the wrap up session without saying much, just the bare minimum of conversation. When they were dismissed for the evening, they walked out into the great room. Ben touched his arm. "Ray?"  
  
Ray shook his head and pulled away. "I'm not ready to talk about this."  
  
"I understand that. There's only about thirty minutes left of daylight. I thought I'd go for a walk and let you think, give you your space, as it were."  
  
Ray nodded and met Ben's serious gaze. "Yeah, okay." Before Ben turned to go, Ray stopped him. "Don't look like that."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"All sulky, like you just lost your best friend. You haven't."  
  
Still tense, still incredibly anxious, Ben asked, "Are you sure about that?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure. Im mad, but not **mad** mad, not mad to the point that we can't work this out. Just give me a little time, okay? You just threw me for a loop with this thing. It wasn't what I expected you to say."  
  
"What did you expect me to say?"  
  
Ray shook his head and looked down at his boots, his heart all bruised and achy. "Doesn't matter. Just don't get lost in the woods. Come back and we'll talk, work something out we can both live with."  
  
Ben nodded and then walked away, putting his hat squarely on his head, shoulders back, like he was leaving forever. Ray bit his tongue, refusing to call him back. 

Ray needed some down time, some time to think, and he sure as hell couldn't do that sober. The question was, did he go to his room and knock a few back alone or go somewhere else? Not wanting to be by himself just yet, Ray headed off to the Back Door Lounge to see what the place had to offer. 

Ray found a table in the corner away from the doors and windows. Lights dimmed, music played in the background, kind of soft and jazzy with a lot of tenor sax balanced with bass. It wasn't that busy yet, just a few people scattered at the bar and at only about half the tables. He skipped the beer and went straight to the hard stuff, a double Scotch whiskey. As soon as the waitress left, a woman from his group came over. "Mind if I join you?"

She had blond hair, blue eyes, and a voice like wood smoke. Half-heartedly, not really wanting company even if she was cute, Ray motioned to the chair. "Have a seat."  
  
"Thanks." She settled down and then reached out to shake hands. "I'm Wendy Palmer from Peoria."  
  
"Yeah, I remember. Your partner's name is Jim and he can't draw worth shit. I heard you two going at it a couple of times. Is he always such a smartass?"

"Pretty much. You get used to it after a while."

"You gave as good as you got. I like that."  
  
"I've had a lot of practice. So, did you spend the day checking out everybody or just me and my partner, Ray?"  
  
Ray shrugged as he confessed. "Actually, I had my eye on you more than your partner." He didn't add that she looked so much like Stella, he had to look twice just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. 

"You kind of caught my eye, too."

"Yeah? Why's that?"  
  
"Partly your hair, but mostly your smile. You look like somebody who knows how to have a good time if he wanted to cut loose. I'll bet you know a lot of hot spots in Chicago."  
  
Ray grinned at the compliment and leaned in, getting warmed up. "You've got a great smile, too, Wendy. Anybody ever tell you that?"

"A few, yeah. Never gets old to hear it again, though."

The flirting came naturally, automatic, like riding a bike, like something he should enjoy doing. He sat back suddenly and blinked a few extra times to clear his head and push away those feelings, that little tingle in his cock and that buzz all over skin. She looked way too much like history repeating itself to be safe. Plus, he had Ben to think about, to figure out. He didnt need this, but at the same time he sure as hell didn't mind being flattered by some beautiful woman wanting his attention. 

Still wearing that fuck me anytime you want smile, Wendy took a drink of her screwdriver as he sipped his whiskey. She ran a hand through her hair, keeping her voice casual. "So, where's your partner, the one who got Dan all bent out of shape and flustered? It's Fraser, right?"  
  
"He's taking a walk."  
  
"Good looking guy." Ray snorted, the hurt not as bad as he expected. It figured this was about Ben. Shit. Wendy shook her head, confused by his reaction. "What? You don't think he's good looking?"  
  
"You can take a number and stand in line with the rest."  
  
"Sorry, Ray. That's not what I meant. I'm not interested in your partner."  
  
Ray glanced up, saw that she wasn't lying to cover up some slap in the face comment. "You sure?"  
  
"Very sure. He's not my type."  
  
"And I am? You don't even know me."  
  
"Doesn't have to stay that way. Why would you think I was interested in your partner instead of you anyway? I'm sitting with you, not him."  
  
"Probably because he's the good looking one and the one who usually gets all the offers."

"You're good looking, too, Ray."

"Yeah, right."

"Look, you don't know me, but I don't say what I don't mean. I'm the direct type. No point in playing games. I go after what I like and I like you." When Ray didn't respond the way she expected, she added, "Bet that gets old, women hitting on your partner with you right there, huh?"  
  
"You have no idea."

"Seems like a nice guy though."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, he is. Fraser defines nice."  
  
"So, what's that like?"  
  
Ray shook his head, not quite sure what she meant by the question. "What's what like?"

"Being around someone who's that good looking and nice all the time. Doesn't that get boring as hell?"  
  
Ray swallowed his drink, the liquid heat a slow burn down his throat all through his belly. He signaled the waitress for another before he answered Wendy. "Fraser's anything but boring."  
  
"Yeah? How so?"  
  
Ray took a long breath, the words spilling out before he could stop them. "You ever drive a burning car into Lake Michigan even though you can't swim and hate water just because somebody asked you to? Ever almost go down in a sinking ship, just to have a guy save your life with something he calls buddy breathing, which, by the way, is a lot like underwater kissing even though he says it doesn't change a thing? Ever have a guy make you a dream catcher with a real eagle feather and you think it's the best goddamn birthday present you ever got in your whole fucking life?" He paused, taking another deep breath, his voice softer. "Ever have somebody you could just talk to and listen to and feel like you've known forever, but not really know at all? Ever had that with somebody? I mean, if you have, you wouldn't call it boring. Might call it crazy, but not boring. Nothing with Fraser is ever boring."  
  
Wendy didn't answer right away, so Ray drank about half his fresh drink, letting the warm glow make his brain hum all the right notes. She put a hand out over his as he went to raise the glass again. "I guess I've got no chance here, huh?"  
  
Ray met her eyes, wary of the question. "Depends on what you're asking."  
  
"I like you, Ray. I like you a lot. When I saw you sitting here, I thought maybe this seminar wouldn't be a waste of time after all." 

"What changed your mind?"

"Looks like I'm a little late, that's all." She finished off her screwdriver. "Am I wrong?"  
  
Ray hesitated, knowing exactly what she was asking, but not knowing exactly where he really stood, so he shrugged. "To tell the truth, it's complicated."

"Yeah, it usually is." Wendy stood up and smiled. "Well, if you figure it out and you want to buy me a drink later, let me know. No hard feelings."

"Thanks, Wendy."

"See you tomorrow."

"Sure. Bright and early."  
  
Smiling, she pursed her lips before she added, "My advice?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Slow down on the Scotch. Getting plastered won't make it any less complicated."

The words rankled and Ray snapped out a complaint. "I don't need a sermon."  
  
"I'm not trying to be preachy. Fuck, I've had a few complicated situations of my own, that's all. If there's one thing I've learned from being a cop, it's that life is too damn short not to go for what you want if the chance comes along."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I get that."

"Later then."  
  
"Yeah, later."  
  
As soon as she walked out, Ray drank the rest of the Scotch and shook his head. He couldn't believe it. He'd turned down a woman who wanted him, wanted to fuck **him** and not Fraser. How fucking weird was that?  
  
Standing, he dropped a tip on the table and headed back to his room. He had a whole bottle of answers waiting.

* * *

In his room, Ray sagged down on the bed. He leaned forward, his head in his hands. The booze buzzed through his system, the world just a little duller than before, but still too sharp around the edges. Ray stood up and kneeled in front of the fireplace, added the kindling, and lit it. He worked it until he got a good blaze to take the chill off the room before switching off the overhead light. The fire lit the room in this kind of glow Ray found soothing. It made him less nervous, less twitchy, less likely to jump off a cliff. 

Once he got a little warmer, Ray stepped into the bathroom, relieved himself, and washed his hands. Picking up one of the glasses, he went back to sit on the bed. He hadn't meant to say all that about Fraser down in the bar, about him not being boring. It just came out before he could stop it. Fuck it. It was done. It was out there. What the hell did he care what Wendy from Peoria thought about him and Fraser?  
  
Ray grabbed the bottle of Ledaig and broke the seal, pouring the dark amber liquid into the glass. He loved the peaty, smoky smell of good Scotch and got a long whiff right before he downed his first glass. It burned the back of his throat and he coughed a few times before he poured another. Ray put the full glass along with the bottle back on the side table. He took off his boots and then put his pillow against the headboard. 

Sitting back, propped up, he studied the fire and thought about Fraser, thought about what it meant that he wanted Ray to call him Ben after all this time. Thought about what Ben confessed, what he said about risking his life just to get Ray fired up. What was it he'd said, that Ray was vibrant when he got angry? Vibrant? Shit, he was a full blaze of glory, too hot to handle. Why in the fuck would Ben want to see something stupid like that?

Shaking his head, Ray reached over for the Scotch. He sipped it while he thought back over the cases and realized he'd been blind as a bat, didnt deserve to be a detective. Ben had been doing crazy shit like that for months. Why didn't he see that? He finished off the drink and put the glass down. 

Ray turned his head and watched the fire some more, saw the flames dance and ripple the air. Without his glasses the world was always a little fuzzy. With the whiskey, it got even more blurred and uneven. It made it easier to admit what he really wanted, what he'd been trying to deny for a while. He wanted Ben for more than a partner. For a moment that afternoon, he'd gotten the fleeting impression that Ben wanted the same thing. Then out of nowhere, Ben pulled this confession business out of his hat. 

Ray took a deep breath, realizing just how fucking tired he was of thinking, of worrying about how to handle something he had no idea how to handle. Stella crippled him, made it almost too hard to deal with caring and loving somebody else again. It just hurt too fucking much to want anybody, especially somebody like Ben. Complicated didn't even begin to cover it.

Still, he knew what he wanted from Ben, but had no clue about what Ben wanted from him. Who the fuck knew? He sure as hell didn't. None of it made sense and he was too drunk to worry about it and not drunk enough to start bawling.  
  
Too tired to think about it anymore, Ray shut his eyes, let his body drift away. He'd talk to Ben later, try to figure out the whole mess. Meanwhile, he needed to sleep a little bit. Just a few minutes of shuteye and he'd be fine and dandy, ready to kick whatever butt needed kicking. He just hoped it wasn't Ben's since he had a whole other kind of activity in mind for that fine Canadian ass. 

Ray shuddered and shook his head. No reason to think about that now. That hope was pretty much done for. He had to let it go before he drove himself crazy.

The world spun around and Ray just spun along with it, going for a ride someplace in his dreams where it didn't hurt so much just to keep breathing.

* * *

Ben smelled the strong odor of whiskey even before he opened the door to their room. Once inside he wrinkled his nose. Ray had, indeed, been drinking, rather a lot apparently. Stepping to the side of the bed, Ben stared down at his sleeping partner, the tight lines of his face relaxed now. Reaching down, Ben fingered back the bangs that had fallen across the handsome forehead. He shivered at the brief contact, wishing for much more than a mere touch, just that tease to his senses. 

Ben deeply regretted the pain that led to Ray's drinking himself into a stupor. He promised himself he'd make it up to him the best he could. The first step was to be truly honest, to complete the confession that he'd started and not stop halfway through like he had earlier.

Walking hadn't improved his state of mind a bit. If anything, it only gave him more time to worry that he might lose Ray. It didn't help that every time he tried to find a quiet spot, some woman approached and tried to have a conversation, a conversation more often than not heavily laced with sexual innuendo. Such blatant overtures left him cold, made him more than a little uncomfortable. These women saw only the surface of some stranger, yet wanted a physical liaison of which he wanted no part. Ben willed himself to be polite, but the whole time the woman made her proposition, he thought only of returning to Ray. 

Ben shook off the memory of the tiresome walk as he recapped the bottle of liquor and put it in the closet. Then he took the glass to the bathroom and returned with a full glass of water and some aspirin. Carefully, he got the extra blanket and draped it over Ray's body. Then he added a few more logs to fire, stoking it gently. Settling into the blue chair by the bedside, he waited. He'd wait forever if need be. 

* * *

Ray had to pee, and if he wasn't really careful, he might throw up at the same time. Groaning and holding his stomach, he rolled over.  
  
"Ray?"  
  
Startled, Ray opened his eyes. He didn't expect Ben to be there. "When did you get back?"  
  
"A few hours ago. You were sleeping."  
  
Squeezing his eyes shut, Ray cursed as his belly rolled and bile rose in his throat. "Fuck." He got up in a hurry, rushed to the bathroom, and only just made it. The heaving came in waves and by the time he finished emptying his stomach, all he did was kneel and gag over the toilet. God, what a stench, what a way to make a great impression. 

Ben handed him a cold, wet cloth and Ray took it. "Thanks."  
  
"You're welcome. You should drink plenty of water. Dehydration can lead to serious headaches."  
  
A drum roll at the back of Ray's skull testified to that fact and he still had to pee before he wet himself. "Yeah, I know. Look, could you wait outside? I have to go."  
  
Ben nodded and politely shut the door behind him. Shaky, Ray got up and unzipped. He relieved himself quickly and gladly. Nothing compared to getting rid of that pressure. Still unsteady, he zipped up and stepped to the sink to run some cold water. He rinsed his face several times and then used his mouthwash to get rid of that nasty, sick taste. He covered his face with the cloth and then stumbled back to crawl under the cover. Eyes shut, he complained pitifully. "I'm getting old, Ben."  
  
Ben still sat in the chair, his voice soft and even. "Old?"  
  
"Yeah, old. I feel old, feeble, like somebody should just put up a headstone and be done with it."  
  
"That's a bit overly dramatic, Ray. Detoxification can be rather unpleasant, but it doesn't make a person old."  
  
"Just stupid."  
  
"Perhaps." Ben handed him the water and aspirin. "Here. Try this. It should help."

Ray didn't argue, but sat up on the edge of the bed and took the medicine. He drained the water and prayed he kept it down. Sitting there, he glanced over to see Ben staring, his eyes full of questions. "I had a few drinks to clear my head while you were walking."  
  
"Clear your head?"  
  
"It didn't work."  
  
"It usually doesn't."

Irritated by the know it all Ben tone, Ray lost his cool. "Look, you cope your way, I'll cope mine."  
  
Frustrated, Ben shook his head. "Ray, Ray, Ray"  
  
"What?"

"I'm sorry."  
  
"Yeah, well, I know that. Now what?"  
  
"Now, I suppose we should talk."  
  
Ray sighed heavily and held a pillow across his stomach. There they were, sitting together in front of the fire, all nice and cozy. Instead of sexy, Ray felt like shit. He figured if talking was all Ben wanted, he could do that. "Okay, so talk. What do you have to say for yourself? And don't just give me that you're sorry stuff. Tell me what's really going on. I deserve that much."  
  
Ben sat in the chair, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. "Yes, Ray, you do." He took a deep breath as if steeling himself for what he had to say. "This place is called Starved Rock."  
  
"What's that got to do with anything?"  
  
"Please, Ray, let me try to explain it in my own way."  
  
Swallowing back his impatience, Ray nodded. "Okay, okay, but I swear if you start talking about caribou and lichens, I'm going to throw up again."  
  
"Understood." 

"So, okay, this place is called Starved Rock. Then what?"  
  
"Do you know where the name comes from?"  
  
"I read something about some Indian thing years ago."  
  
Fraser nodded, his voice taking on that story-telling cadence it sometimes had, usually when he told some kind of tale about polar bears or dead otters or something Ray never heard of. "In the 1700s Pontiac of the Ottawa was attending a tribal council where he was slain in an act of treachery by the Illiniwek braves. Subsequently, war ensued. During one of the many battles that followed, a band of Potawatomi, allies of the Ottawa, forced a group of Illiniwek to seek refuge on the 125-foot sandstone butte. The Potawatomi were soon joined by others. They surrounded the bluff, resulting in a standoff. The Illinewek died of starvation rather than surrender. The place was from then on called Starved Rock."  
  
"Damn. That's depressing."  
  
"Indeed. This beautiful place has a very cruel history."  
  
"Okay, no argument there, but I repeat, what does that have to do with anything?"  
  
"Have you ever been hungry, Ray?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"What's the longest you've gone without eating?"  
  
Frowning, not sure where the hell this was going, Ray shrugged. "I don't know. A couple of days maybe when I was sick once."  
  
"Imagine not eating for so long that starvation sets in. All one can think about is food, feeding on something, anything, even one's own flesh. Imagine how it might feel to waste away from starvation."  
  
Uneasy with the whole conversation, Ray waved a hand. "Okay, okay, I imagine it's pretty awful, not the best way to go. But what's this got to do with us? What's being hungry got to do with why you pissed me off on purpose?"  
  
Staring down at his hands, refusing to meet Ray's gaze, Ben tried again. "There are worse things to hunger for than food, Ray."  
  
A big crash and an oh my god and it all fell into place. Every crazy thing made sense. Ray swallowed twice before he managed to say it out loud. "How long's it been since you fed your heart, Ben?"  
  
Ben's shoulders sagged as his head fell forward. "Too long to mention."  
  
Ray wanted to get up and take Ben into his arms right then and there, but he held back, not quite sure yet. He needed to know more, needed to know what Ben really wanted first. To do that, maybe he had to let him know that Ray understood all about going without. "I know what that's like, to be starved for attention, for love, to want to be touched so bad, you think you're going to die if you don't get it."  
  
Ben lifted his head, his blue eyes bright in the low light. "Do you, Ray?"  
  
"It's a terrible, god awful feeling."  
  
"Yes, yes, it is."  
  
"You think nobody wants you, nobody cares. You think you'll never get a chance to get fed ever again. Your gut shrinks up and you feel skinny all over, like you're nothing but a bag of bones that nobody wants any part of. You feel like dying, but you're walking around dead inside already."

Nodding, his eyes wide and his voice soft, Ben whispered. "That's it exactly."  
  
Ray held out his hand. "Come sit over here."  
  
Hesitating, Ben's tongue flicked out and slid across his lower lip, the hunger in his eyes like a living thing, like a starved animal finally seeing a chance for survival. Ben stood and then sat beside Ray, the mattress dipping down from both their weights. The heat of contact blazed up through Ray's middle, his body suddenly more alive and alert than ever.

Shyly, Ben took Ray's hand, their fingers laced together, and spoke quietly. "The first time it happened was when I chased O'Reilly down the alley before you got a chance to get into proper position. You were so angry and the impact of that rage was nearly electric. You made terrible threats and called me names, but then later calmed down and took me out to dinner to apologize."  
  
The memory flashed into Ray's head, one of the times when he came close to losing it completely. He hated thinking about how close he'd come to decking Ben and walking away. "I remember."

"It was later that night that I realized how much I enjoyed that sensation, how I fed on your company. Afterwards, I began to do it on purpose. Despite the danger, I felt compelled to continue, to take pleasure from the intensity that came from a wanton disregard for my own safety. It became quite addictive."  
  
"You just wanted attention."  
  
"I wanted more than attention, Ray, but since I couldn't have that, I decided to continue to instigate situations where I might have similar satisfaction."

Ray squeezed Ben's hand and let his head fall to his partner's shoulder. He couldn't believe how much time they'd both wasted pretending to be tough or crazy and not being honest. "You know to be such an eagle-eyed Mountie, you're blind as shit."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"You say you wanted more than attention, more than just me ripping you a new one. What is it you wanted more of that you thought you couldn't get, Ben? Keep in mind, we're sitting on a bed together in front of a roaring fire and holding hands. All we need is the bear-skin rug and some Barry White and we're done here."  
  
Ben nearly choked. "I assume by that, you're implying that I failed to recognize that you were open to a romantic relationship."  
  
Ray snorted and took a relieved breath. "You know, between the two of us, you'd think one of us would have enough good sense to see it, to figure it out without you trying to get your ass blown off first."  
  
"You'd think."

Ben tensed and Ray asked, "What?"  
  
"What about Stella?"  
  
"What about her?"  
  
"You seemed so fixated, so obsessed. How was I supposed to know you would be amenable to having more than a working partnership?"  
  
"That's a fair question. Stella will always be Stella. She's part of me, part of who I am, and part of the reason I do the nutty things I do sometimes. I can't change that, but any romance we had is done for, over, finished, not going to happen again. Now here's one for you. How was I supposed to figure out you were interested when you weren't giving out any signals?"

"Signals?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, vibe, zing, that spark people give off when they want to get with somebody."  
  
"Ah, signals as in sexual signals. I see."  
  
"What do you see?"  
  
"You were waiting for me to make the first move."  
  
"Well, I sure as hell wasn't going to make it. I get shot down enough with Stella. I couldn't risk having you do it, too. Plus, I have to work with you, day in and day out. What if I made a move and you ended up treating me like Frannie, all polite, but no thank you kindly. I couldn't take that, Ben, I really couldn't."  
  
Ben turned slightly on the bed and caressed Ray's face, his voice all husky and smooth. "Ray, I should've said this sooner."  
  
"Said what?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
Ray's eyes widened, not expecting that kind of commitment so soon, so right there and now, no beating around the bush. "You love me?"  
  
"I have for some time. Forgive me for not mentioning it sooner." Ben's hand cupped his cheek as he leaned in, his breath warm and smelling a little like chocolate. "I want to kiss you, Ray."  
  
"Who's stopping you?"  
  
Mouths met, Ben's lips softer than Ray expected, the day's whiskers reminding him that Ben was no woman, no Stella. Ray smiled into the kiss, Ben's tongue moving in and wrestling, tasting. Ray got into the act and returned the favor, letting Ben know that the hunger wasn't one-sided.

Wrapping his arms around Ben for a better grip, Ray tried to guide him down across the bed. Ben resisted. Ray's eyes opened. "What? You don't want to?"  
  
"I want to very much, Ray. I just need to know if you're sure."  
  
"Sure?"  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this."

"Am I sure I want to do this? By this, do you mean make out?"  
  
Ben tilted his head, his body still wrapped in Ray's arms. "Are you sure you want to be in a relationship? I need to know. I can't be casual and then walk away."  
  
Ray laughed and dropped his face against Ben's chest. "You know me. I've never been casual in my life. Why start now?"  
  
"So you're committed to making this a long-lasting relationship?"

"Are you?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"Then we're on the same page. Now take off your boots."  
  
"My boots?"  
  
"Yeah. I want you stretched out beside me and you're still dressed for hiking."  
  
Ben couldn't get the boots off fast enough. He moved into Ray's arms like he belonged there. They kissed again, long and hard, their tongues meeting and sliding over one another, hot and thick. Ray lifted the edge of Ben's shirt only to find a wool shirt underneath. He couldn't fucking believe it. "You're wearing your long johns."

"I'm afraid so, Ray. I wasn't expecting, that is to say, I never"  
  
"It's okay." As Ben moved away, Ray stopped him. "Don't get up. Let's just kiss a little while, see how that goes. We've got plenty of time to check out the rest."  
  
Relaxing, Ben leaned in and licked the side of Ray's neck, let his tongue go all along the jaw line and around the earlobe. Ben suckled the hollow of his throat and Ray moaned, his cock having a field day despite being stuck behind a zipper. It sent tingles zinging him up his middle with every lick and nip from that eager, starved mouth.

Ray ran his fingers through the dark, wavy hair as Ben continued to party, sniffing and tasting and having a grand old tour of every place he could reach. His weight pushed Ray against the mattress as his knee pushed Ray's legs apart. With better leverage, his groin shoved against Ray's crotch, humping with a rhythm Ray didn't know Ben had. Ray complained, but didn't really mean it. "You keep this up and I'm going to come in my pants."  
  
Ben laughed and whispered, his voice breathless. "You have other jeans, Ray." As he said it, Ben ripped open Ray's shirt and T-shirt to get even better access to Ray's skin.  
  
Ray didn't even bother to protest as Ben continued to grind against him, his mouth still latched onto his throat, still sucking away. The bite came just as Ray did. Bright flashes went off behind Ray's lids and pleasure hit him like a physical blow as he bucked up. Grunting, the hard pressure suddenly released, flame whipped through him, up to his brain and down to his toes, not missing any spot in between. He shook and Ben shook right along with him, jerking several times and then just shivering in his arms. 

The scent of sex mixed with sweat filled his nose, made his head swimmy as Ben relaxed against him, dead weight, breathing like he'd just outrun a freight train.

Ray went with the flow, with the heady sensation that they'd both just acted like teenagers and that it didn't matter, that they'd do it again first chance they got. He kissed the top of Ben's head and whispered softly. "I love you, too."

* * *

Ray woke slowly, his head aching at the back of his neck. The cottonmouth made it hard to swallow, but he kept trying. His cheek rested against the top of Ben's head. He smiled at the sweet memory of the two of them making out like a couple of horny boys who didnt know any better. He liked the idea that Ben apparently didn't have any hang up at all about being with a guy and knew what to do about it. That made it a lot easier since he had zilch practical experience in that department. That didn't mean that he had no clue. He'd bought a ton of gay porn over the last couple of months. His mind filled with the rush of possibilities, the ways he might please Ben and be pleased by him. Just the thought warmed him up all over and gave his morning hard on a little kick. Thank god he wore baggy jeans or he might do some damage. 

Ben shifted and stretched, his eyelids fluttering. He said Ray's name and then nuzzled against his chest before he kissed his right nipple.  
  
"Morning, Ben."  
  
Taking a deep, sleepy breath, Ben kissed him again. Ray grinned and shook his head. "We stink, partner."  
  
"Yes, Ray, we do. It's a wonderful stink, though, don't you think?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes. I've always loved how you smell." To emphasize his point, Ben took a long sniff and then rubbed his whiskery face against Ray's belly. "It's a very masculine smell, very musky. I like it."  
  
"Can't get enough of it. I can tell. You popped all my buttons and ripped off my grey T-shirt just to get a good whiff."  
  
"I can sew on buttons, Ray, and I'll buy you another T-shirt if you'd like."  
  
"You think that makes it right, you ripping my clothes off?"  
  
"Well, to be honest, I didn't much care at the time."  
  
"That makes two of us."  
  
Ben laughed against his belly. He unbuttoned the top of Ray's jeans which he hadn't removed yet. "I should've taken these off as well."  
  
"You were in a hurry seemed like. Guess that happens when you skip meals for a couple of years or something."  
  
Dipping his head, Ben ran his tongue along the fine line of golden hair between Ray's nipples, down past the belly button, and then a little further south. As he nudged the elastic, Ray moaned, wishing like hell they didn't have some damn seminar to go to. "Wait up. We've got a meeting in less than an hour."

Ben sighed heavily and then nodded with acceptance. He rolled over on his back and put his arm over his eyes. "You know, Ray, it's going to be nearly impossible for me to concentrate on the sessions today."  
  
"Like you did a great job yesterday?"  
  
"True enough." Ben smiled and turned over, facing Ray, his head up and supported by his hand. "But that was for an entirely different reason."  
  
"Yeah." Ray reached out and ran a finger along Ben's face and shook his head. "Why'd you pull that stunt yesterday with the confession? Why didn't you just come out and tell me what you were feeling instead of making me think that you were just plain nuts?"

"I thought you had a right to know the truth, the whole truth."  
  
"And nothing but the truth? You think that made me feel any better when I thought we were going to have to call it quits and put you in a loony bin or something?"  
  
Ben captured his hand and kissed the palm, his eyes never leaving Ray's gaze. "I handled it poorly. I wanted to tell you all of it, but you were so adamant for me to be silent until you processed your own feelings, I didn't really get the opportunity."  
  
Ben's lips against his palm melted away his resolve. "You know we could just skip the session this morning, say we ate a bad shrimp or something."  
  
"That wouldn't be very professional, Ray. Besides, we don't want people to ask too many questions."  
  
"We dont, huh?"  
  
Ben studied him a long moment, his eyes a bit wider. "I wouldn't bother you for people to know?"  
  
"I think some already suspect."  
  
"Suspecting and knowing are two different things."  
  
Ray scooted closer, let Ben pull him into a hug as Ray rested his head against his chest. "We don't have to flaunt it, but I don't really give a shit what people think. I really don't. In fact, maybe if they know we're together, the women will stop flirting and trying to get in your pants so damn hard. It's starting to get old, really old. I hate seeing it."

"Believe me, Ray, I don't invite such behavior."  
  
"I know that. You can't help it if you make Brad Pitt look like a troll."

"Now, Ray"  
  
"You're good looking, Ben, rugged and easy on the eyes, that's a fact, don't deny it."  
  
"You exaggerate."  
  
"Shut up and take it. You are."

"Very well. Thank you kindly. I think you're handsome as well, Ray."

"For a guy with experimental hair, yeah, maybe."  
  
Ben squeezed him and kissed the side of his neck. Using one hand, he fingered the bruise on Ray's throat. "I didn't mean to leave a mark. I got carried away."  
  
"Worked for me. Get carried away all you want. It turns me on when you do that."  
  
"Do what? Bite?"  
  
"And lick, and suck, and anything else you're inclined to go for. You know me, I'll try anything."  
  
"That's good to know." Ben kissed him again and whispered into his ear. "Perhaps for lunch we can grab a quick snack and then spend the rest of the break back here testing that proposition."  
  
"Only if you take my pants off first this time."  
  
"Right you are, Ray. Pants off first, I promise."  
  
Ray kissed that wonderful mouth and then sat up. "Speaking of pants, if I don't get these off soon, we might not have to worry about doing anything else again."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"I think they're glued to my crotch." He stood up and wrinkled his face. "Ow. I dont believe I let you do this."  
  
Ben's grin faded. "Are you sorry?"  
  
Ray snorted. "Not in this lifetime. Can't wait to do it again. In fact, whenever you see me smiling all through this crappy workshop, you can bet it's because I'm thinking of all the ways to go at it again, the sooner the better." Ray tilted his head, his voice teasing. "You sure we have to wait until lunch?"  
  
"I'm pretty sure. I dont see how we can manage it sooner."  
  
"Then lunch it is."  
  
As he walked into the bathroom, Ray glanced over and saw Ben's eyes glaze over at the promise and the possibilities. It was a good look, one he could definitely go for.

* * *

"So, you've had a bad day on the job, or maybe a whole lot of bad days on the job. How do you unwind? How do you keep your stress levels manageable?" 

Ray leaned back in his chair, a smile on his face, wondering what Clemens would say if he told him that he made out with his partner to keep his stress levels manageable, to keep from going off the deep end. Then he glanced sideways and wondered what Ben would say, wondered how he'd react if he knew people knew the real story. It was a hard read. He couldn't quite tell where Ben stood on the whole "to tell or not to tell" scale. As for himself, he kept having the terrible urge to grab Ben right then and there and plant one on him, to just go for it so people would know to back off, to keep their grubby paws to themselves. 

Ray shook himself a little, wondering where the hell all that came from, that need to stake a claim, to scream hands off. He knew Ben loved him. Fraser wasnt the kind of guy who'd lie about something like that, fib about something that important. Any doubts he might have came from deep inside himself, from his own insecurities. He knew that. He had more than enough to deal with in that area, more than enough questions about why someone like Ben would want to be with someone like him, somebody damaged and more than a little bit trampled when it came to the world of love. Any doubts he had were all in his own head, just pissy little whispers and taunts in his own voice. All he had to do was to tell his head to shut the fuck up already. Problem was, it didn't usually listen all that good.

Still, he wished he didn't have to pretend they were just partners and go on like nothing had changed. Everything had changed, his whole life had moved to a whole new level, a brand new chapter of the Ray Kowalski story. The way things were going, it was going to be a real page-turner. The reason sat right there beside him, grinning like crazy and looking happier than Ray had seen him in a long time. It felt good to know that Ben looked like that partly because of what they'd done, what they'd said, what they still had left to do and say. 

"Ray?"  
  
Shaking his head, Ray came back to the present, looking around to see who'd called his name. Ben leaned in. "Ray, Mr. Clemens asked what you did to unwind after a hard day."  
  
Flustered and little embarrassed, Ray shrugged, playing it off. "Me? Well, I do a lot of things."  
  
Clemens persisted. "Such as?"  
  
"Such as box, I box, or I used to. I don't have as much time anymore, but I used to work out. Used to train some kids, too."

"And if you don't box, what do you do now?"  
  
Ray sat up and looked around, all the people in the room staring at him on the hot seat, glad it was Ray instead of them. It reminded him of school when he'd get called on by the teacher because he didn't listen half the time. The only difference was that Clemens couldn't give him detention. At least, he hoped to hell the guy couldn't. He had better things to do after school these days. Ray cleared his throat. "Well, sometimes I dance."  
  
Jim, Wendy's partner, snickered. "Dance? Like what, dancing in a ballet or something? You dress up in tights and stuff and prance around?"  
  
Before Clemens got a chance to say a word, Ray snapped. "No, Mr. Smartmouth, but if I did, it'd be none of your business. When I said I danced, I mean dance, you know, like to music. My ex-wife and I used to do competitions sometimes. We did ballroom, Latin, different stuff."

Ben nodded as he proudly interjected. "He's quite good, actually. He and his ex-wife are very light on their feet. I do believe he's got some trophies as well."

Ray couldn't help but smile at Ben's attempt to pump him up for the public. "Yeah, well, that was a few years ago. Now, I just dance to keep in shape."

Wendy chimed in and added her two cents. "And a fine shape it is, too."

Ray grinned with good humor and tipped an imaginary hat. "Thanks."  
  
Clemens jumped in to keep the discussion from getting too personal. "Boxing, dancing, these are both good physical activities that help to reduce stress." He called on some of the other people in the room as Ray sat back, pleased that he hadn't gone off on jerky Jim. Son of a bitch reminded him of Dewey, nasty attitude and all. Wendy might want to fuck him, but this guy definitely wanted to fuck _with_ him. Ray wondered if Wendy's attraction to him might be the reason. Maybe the guy was jealous and thought Ray might be the competition. Bet the guy was a lousy cop. Idiot had no clue that Ray only had eyes for Ben. 

Ray leaned over and thanked his partner. "Nice save, Ben. Thanks."  
  
"Not a problem, Ray. You seemed just a bit distracted."  
  
Ray smirked. "Guess why."  
  
Ben flushed a wonderful pink color and motioned for Ray to shush and pay attention. Chuckling, Ray obeyed, but thought about all the wonderful distractions Ben had to offer.

* * *

Ray opened the package he'd gotten for drawing number six from the hat. "Wow, look what I got."  
  
"It's very nice, Ray." Holding the Walkman and disks, Ray nodded. "Yeah, I've been wanting another one of these ever since Dief ate the last one."  
  
"I did warn you about leaving it down where he had such easy access."  
  
Ray didn't even bother to counter Fraser's version of I told you so. Instead, he complained about the music that went with his prize. "Now, if I only had something decent to listen to. I should've brought some CDs. Who knew they'd be giving away free stuff from just planting our ass in a seat?"

"I think the incentive of the gift is so you'll listen to the CD in order to enhance your relaxation experience, Ray."  
  
Ray shook his head. "Come on. You really expect me to listen to this stuff? It's probably just some guy telling me to relax, relax, and then bore me to death with elevator music in the background."

"There are two different CDs. Perhaps one will be to your liking."

Ray leaned over, curious about Ben's gift. "So, what'd you get for drawing number three?"  
  
Ben opened the envelope and then stared down at the coupon, his face suddenly a bit pink. "Oh, dear."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It seems I'm to receive a free massage to be given at my convenience sometime during our stay."  
  
"A massage? You get a free massage? Those things are like eighty bucks a pop."  
  
While the others in the room opened their prizes, Ben leaned in a little closer, his voice low. "The only person I want to give me a massage is you, Ray, not some stranger."  
  
"Yeah?" Ray loved how Ben's face flushed even redder, his eyes growing darker. It took real willpower not to grab the guy right there. Instead, Ray kept his voice at a whisper, but made his intent clear. "I think I might be able to arrange something."

Before Ben had a chance to answer, Clemens broke in. "Okay, folks, what I'd like to do now is take time out for lunch, which is being served over in the Starved Rock room. When you come back, we'll talk about ways to relax and break patterns that keep us stressed out. I'll see you then."  
  
As they got up to leave, Wendy came over. "Hey, Ray, Fraser."  
  
Ray stiffened, not really sure what she wanted. She seemed cool enough at the bar the night before, but she'd still been giving him the eye the whole session, letting him know her fuck me now or later offer still stood. "Hey, Wendy."  
  
"Are you two going over for lunch?"

Ray answered first. "We thought we'd grab something, yeah."

"You want company? I'd like to get away from Jim for a while. He's driving me a little crazy right now."

Ray glanced over at Ben who was doing the polite Mountie face, the one were the smile never got to the eyes. He cleared his throat. "Actually, Ben and me, we're kind of tired. We thought we'd just go back to the room for a little bit, maybe take a catnap before we go into phase two of whatever Danny Boy has planned for the afternoon."  
  
Obviously, disappointed, Wendy nodded. "Sure, okay. Not a problem." She hesitated, but then asked, "Ray, could I talk to you alone for a minute?"  
  
Ben gripped his upper arm, his hand possessive as he squeezed and released. "I'll meet you back in the room, Ray. I'll get something for both of us from the buffet."  
  
"Sure, thanks. I'll meet you back there in just a few minutes."

As soon as Ben left, Ray took a deep breath. "Look, Wendy, I thought"  
  
"Thought what? That I gave up?" 

"Its not that I'm not flattered as hell. I am. You're a knock out. It's just"  
  
Wendy held up a hand to cut off the words. "Complicated, yeah, I know. You told me." She took a breath and stepped into his personal space. She smelled fresh, a lot like how Stella used to smell even after a long day. The memory made him a little dizzy and turned on, but he thought of Ben waiting for him back in the room and stayed focused. "Look, Ray, I just wanted to warn you about Jim."  
  
"What? I already know he's an asshole."  
  
"Well, yeah, but for some reason, he feels the same way about you. When he gets that way, he's hard to rein in. I just thought I'd warn you in case he tries to pull something."  
  
"Thanks, but I'm used to guys like Jim."  
  
"He's not a bad guy, but once he starts in, well, you'll just have to stand your ground, not give an inch, or he'll keep at it."  
  
Smiling, flattered by the fact that she cared enough to warn him, Ray shook his head. "Don't worry about it. We've got a Jim, too. His name's Dewey. I can take care of myself."  
  
"It's just that I'd hoped he'd try harder. One of the reasons we got sent here is because he's got such a piss-poor attitude."  
  
"And since you're his partner, you end up coming along for the ride, huh?"  
  
"Maybe, or maybe they think my attitude sucks, too. Either way, it'd be nice if I didn't have to keep you two from going at each other while we're stuck here."  
  
"Not a problem. I can handle myself." Ray rubbed his chin and grinned. "And if I can't, Fraser will take care of it."  
  
"You two seem tight, like you work well together. To be honest, I'm surprised you're here. I mean, this thing is about trust and team building mostly and you guys seem to be doing okay in that department."  
  
"Now we are, yeah. We still have a few rough spots, more than a few sometimes. I guess my lieutenant sent us here to work those out. When we've in sync, we're number one, nobody can beat us. He sets them up and I knock 'em down. It's a great partnership."  
  
Blue eyes met his, searching, apparently not finding what they wanted. She sighed and then reluctantly nodded. "Guess you'd better go catch up with your partner then."  
  
"Yeah, and thanks for the heads up." Ray touched his temple and then ventured to ask about his theory. "Do you think it's possible that Jim sees you as more than a partner?"  
  
Wendy flushed a little and then nervously rubbed her neck. "Let's just say that Jim's one of those complications I was talking about last night."  
  
The light bulb came on in a hurry. No wonder the guy was a jerk. He still had a thing for his partner and she'd moved on. Shit. Been there, done that. "Okay, got it. It makes more sense now."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Him wanting to pick a fight. He thinks I'm the competition."  
  
"I wish." Wendy stood straighter. "Look, I'll tell him to back off, that you're not interested."  
  
"Not because you're not worth the interest."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, because there's somebody else. I know. Got it. Thanks anyway." Wendy sighed deeply and then stood suddenly straighter. "Sorry about being a bitch. I'm not used to getting turned down. It stings, but I'll survive. You go catnap with Fraser. See you later, okay?"

As she walked off, Ray shook himself all over, thinking he'd missed something, something important, but couldnt put his finger on it. Maybe it was just his ego telling him that he hadn't heard the last of Wendy from Peoria or her partner. He pushed those thoughts out of his mind and imagined Ben in their room waiting. He couldn't get down the hall fast enough and wondered if he could convince Ben to be tardy to the afternoon session.

* * *

When Ray walked into the room, he found Ben sitting in the chair, the lights off and his face somber. Dropping the Walkman and CDs on the table, Ray walked over and leaned in for a kiss. He got no tongue and no enthusiasm. He backed up and sat down on the bed. "Okay, what's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Dont give me that. It's Wendy, right? You're mad about me talking to her."  
  
"I'm not mad, Ray."  
  
"Sure looks like it."  
  
Ben shook his head and motioned to the plates with the sandwiches and chips. "Have some lunch. We don't have much time before we have to be back and you didn't eat breakfast."  
  
"Fuck the lunch and tell me what you're thinking. One minute you're all smiles, making me all hot and bothered with propositions and promises, and now it's the cold shoulder. What gives?"

Arms crossed, head down, Ben shrugged. "I just got the impression that you and Wendy, well, that is to say"  
  
"You think I want to be with Wendy instead of you?"  
  
Ben lifted his head and met his gaze. "She does seem more your type than I do."  
  
"Because she looks like Stella?" Ray stood up and paced the small room, running his hand through his hair, wondering what the hell he needed to say here to make himself good and clear. He decided to go for straightforward. He sat back down on the edge of the bed and made sure he had Ben's full attention. "Listen up. I'm only going to say this once, so you need to get it, I mean really believe it, no just saying you believe it to make me think you believe it. I need to **know** you believe it."  
  
"You can't deny there's a remarkable resemblance. And I'm not blind. I saw how she was flirting with you. She wasn't exactly subtle."  
  
"You're right, she was flirting, but so were all the other women in this place, except they were all coming on to you."  
  
"But"  
  
"But that's different, right? They come on to you and it's no big deal, the same old-same old, here comes the good-looking Mountie. One woman out of twenty has the hots for me and it's the end of the world as we know it."  
  
"I didn't say that."  
  
"Tell me why it's okay for women to flirt with you, but not me."  
  
Ben didn't hesitate. "Because I have no interest."  
  
"Ditto."  
  
"Meaning?"

"Meaning I've got no interest in Wendy from Peoria or any other person but you." Ray leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his voice tight over the words that needed to be just right. "Listen, Wendy made it clear last night in the bar she was interested and she did it again today. So what? Doesnt mean I'm going to take her up on it any more than you're going to hop in bed with all those hussies that come on to you."  
  
Ben relaxed and nodded as he licked his lower lip. "It's just that this is new to me, Ray. I know you like women."  
  
"Yeah, I do, but I like you better, Ben." Ray moved in closer, on his knees in front of the chair. He took Ben's hands in his own and forced him to make eye contact. "I love you. I need you to understand that. I dont fool around when I'm with somebody. I don't care if the offers come naked on silver platters. Makes no difference. You're the one and only."

Sighing heavily, Ben nodded in acceptance and relief before he squeezed Ray's hand. "I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For a momentary lapse in judgment."

"Yeah, jealousy will do that."  
  
"I wasn't jealous."

"Were, too."  
  
"I was just concerned."

"You were greener than green. JEwell, however you spell it, you were jealous."

Ben smiled sheepishly as he relented. "Well, perhaps, just a little."  
  
Ray stood up and tugged, drawing Ben to his feet. He led him over to sit on the edge of the bed. As Ben sat, Ray placed his hands on both sides of his face and leaned in for the kiss, making sure he took his time, long and hot and oh so thorough. Ben dragged him down to sit on the bed beside him and moaned into Ray's mouth. As they pulled apart, Ben whispered, "I wish we had more time."  
  
"We've got plenty of time, Ben, all the time in the world, just not this minute."  
  
"Understood."  
  
Ray licked his lips, but before he could go back for a second helping of Fraser, his stomach growled a big old, feed me now kind of rumble. Ben laughed and made a suggestion. "We really should eat and save this for later when we dont have to worry about a schedule."  
  
Rubbing his belly, Ray had to agree. "You're probably right. Still, I have to admit, it's a hard decision."  
  
"Well, if we don't eat, we might not have the required energy for activities in which we might want to engage later."  
  
Laughing out loud, Ray grabbed his sandwich. "Never let it be said that Ray Kowalski couldnt keep his strength up."

As Ray bit into his roast beef on rye, Fraser went into the bathroom. He returned with iced drinks, tea for himself and a cola for Ray. "I got these instead of hot drinks. There was no way to keep them warm."  
  
"It's fine. Thanks." 

They sat side-by-side on the bed, eating sandwiches and munching chips. Ray wolfed his down and Ben still had half his ham and cheese left. As Ray watched Ben eat, he smiled as his twitchy cock begged for attention. Ray leaned over and took his boots off before standing. Hand on his zipper, Ray teased his partner. "You know, if you hurry with that, we've still got about thirty minutes."

Ben's hand froze half-way to his open mouth. Slowly, he lowered the rest of the sandwich to the paper plate, his eyes trained on Ray's now exposed briefs. As he put the plate on the side table, Ben stood up and stopped Ray's hand from moving further. "Allow me. After all, I did promise to take your pants off first next time."  
  
Ray lifted both arms out to the sides in a go for it gesture. "You sure did."  
  
Without another word, Ben stripped Ray of not only his pants and underwear, but his shirt, too. He pushed him on his back on the bed and then proceeded to get naked as well. Ray watched, his cock filling and aching, as Ben exposed himself freely. The broad shoulders, thin waist, the smooth expanse of creamy skin over muscle, it all made Ray breath harder. Ray's heart raced at the sight of Ben's thick, uncut cock and the dark bush so unlike his own. He wanted to touch that dick, to taste it, to feel it. Ray shuddered in anticipation.

The night before they had rubbed together, fumbled and groped in the dark. Now they were together in the daytime, fully aware and freely vulnerable to the other. Ray swallowed hard and reached out. "C' mere."

Without hesitation, Ben joined him, their bodies meeting, skin-to-skin, cock-to-cock. Hungrily, Ben kissed him and then did the whole licking thing again, this time starting on his neck right away, gobbling Ray up in a fever pitch. 

Starved, that described the desperate way Ben attacked him, how his mouth latched onto every spot it found. Ray bucked up and Ben pushed right back at him, his hand stroking down over Ray's right hip and thigh. Soft moans mingled with pants and a soft chorus of Rays as Ben chanted his name over and over the way he did sometimes when he wanted Ray's attention. But this time it was different. This was like church, like worship, like saying a prayer.  
  
It worked like a charm, Ray lost and swimming in a dizzying swarm of heat and wonder. Lights whirled around in his head as his cock and balls got rubbed with urgent desire and his mouth got hijacked by Ben's. A wildfire broke out all over Ray's skin and just under the skin, tiny flames whipping all through him, taking no pity, no mercy at all. Teeth locked onto his throat and bit down hard and Ray jerked up, the release like a great flash of nothing but good all over his body. He rode the spasm with Ben holding him down, solid weight an anchor to keep the explosion from shattering Ray to the four corners of the earth. 

Eyes squeezed shut, Ray shook, his body wrecked and sweaty. Nothing prepared him for the total annihilation that came from having sex with Ben. Jesus, he never knew he could get off that hard, that fast, and still keep going, still have even one brain cell up and running enough to say thanks.

Red-faced, Ben shivered against him, still panting, his dark curly hair matted down with sweat. Smiling, Ben closed his eyes and then dropped his face to Ray's chest, his voice raspy and raw. "Dear Lord, Ray, this is wonderful, just breathtaking. There are no words to appropriately verbalize how incredibly delightful this feels." 

Air back in his lungs, Ray grinned at Ben's futile and wordy attempt to describe what they were both feeling. "Oh, yeah, fucking fantastic doesnt even cover it."

Ben slumped, his full weight pressing down, his knees resting between Ray's spread legs. Ben's whiskers teased the tender skin of Ray's chest as he spoke quietly, his voice choked and breaking. "I've wanted this for so long, Ray."  
  
Closing his eyes, Ray smiled, his right hand sliding gently back and forth along Ben's broad back, soothed by the warm contact. "Me, too."  
  
They lay there quietly for a few more minutes, Ray's breathing finally returning to normal. "We need to get up."  
  
"I know."  
  
A few more minutes passed before Ben finally lifted his head, his blue eyes smoky and sexy as hell. "Ray?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"We really should get up now."  
  
Sighing, Ray nodded. "Yeah, we should shower, too."  
  
Ben dropped his head back down, still dreamy and a bit dazed. "You go first."  
  
"We could shower together, save time, water."  
  
Ben laughed against his chest. "We'd never make it to the afternoon session."  
  
"See? It's all good."  
  
Still chuckling, Ben rolled over and threw his legs off the side of the bed. "You're incorrigible."  
  
"Is that Canadian for horny?"

"It means you're a confirmed and incurable sensualist."

"Works for me."  
  
"For me as well, Ray." Grinning, Ben leaned over for a quick kiss and then picked up his clothes to head for the shower. Ray eyed that great ass, the way the muscles moved as Ben walked away. His throat tightened and his dick twitched, begging for an encore. He might have to kill time for a few painful hours, but with that view, he knew for a fact, it would be worth the wait.

* * *

The afternoon session took a serious turn and Ray wanted more than anything to head out and call it quits, the sooner the better. Clemens started in on cops coping with job stress with booze and drugs, and Ben kept sneaking worried sidelong glances in his direction. It pissed Ray off. It wasn't like he really had a problem, just every now and then, like when his world ended or something. When Stella left, sure he took a few months off in the bottle, but he never once fell down on the job or let anyone down. He never showed up drunk on duty, a little hung over from time to time maybe, but never drunk, not once. Since then, it wasn't that often he got wrecked, not really. Last night had been a fluke. He thought he'd fucked up and lost Ben. That kind of scare deserved a good bender.  
  
It didn't help matters when they had to take a survey about drinking behaviors and he'd fudged on some of the answers. Ben caught it and lifted an eyebrow but didn't say anything, at least not then. Ray figured he'd probably get an earful later that night though and that just made him more tired. He wasn't as young as he used to be and getting plastered and then getting laid, not once but twice, in twenty-four hours after a two year dry spell, well, that would wear any guy out. Not that he was complaining, he wasn't. Ben could wear him out anytime he wanted.

When Clemens finished talking about the high rate of alcoholism in the police force, he then moved on to the cheery topic of the even higher rate of divorce and depression. He didn't need some lecture on that shit. He'd lived through it, bought the fucking T-shirt, and came back for more. Arms crossed tightly around his chest, Ray sat back and closed his eyes, his head pounding. Others in the group bitched about their miserable break ups, how fucking hard it was to be a cop when the person at home just didn't understand the job. 

Ray ground his back teeth and wanted to tear his hair out as one guy went on about how the job cost him his wife and kids. His heart bled for the guy, but at least he got a chance to have kids. Stella wouldn't even let him have that, wouldn't even consider the idea. It made his gut hurt when he remembered how she even cried once when he begged her to just think about it. When she refused, all teary-eyed, he knew right then that there was no chance after that, none at all. Still, he kept hoping and that kind of hopeless hoping made him sick in the head for a while, made him keep going after something he knew was long dead. It was like he couldn't stop doing it though, like he couldn't help himself. The thought of giving up on Stella and him with kids, living like a real family happily ever after, well, it still tore at him sometimes.

An elbow nudged his side and he opened his eyes to see Ben's concerned face. He whispered, "Ray, are you all right?"  
  
Leaning forward in the chair, Ray rubbed both temples against the growing pressure inside his skull. "I've got a headache, that's all."  
  
"You look pale. Perhaps you should go lie down."  
  
"No, I'll be okay."

Clemens didn't miss a trick. He moved over and stood in front of Ben and Ray. "Ray, is there something you want to say about this subject? You said earlier you had an ex-wife. Did you and your wife have trouble because of your job?"  
  
Ray snorted, already pissed and about ready to explode. How did he tell this jerk off about his undercover jobs being the nail in the coffin, how Stella couldn't handle him being away for months at a stretch and pretending to be somebody else? How did he tell him about what the job cost him when it came to his dad, a guy who pretty much disowned him for being a cop in the first place? To top it off, no way did Clemens need to know about how tough it was to have to keep his relationship with Ben secret because of the homophobic, stupid ass job. Fuck that, and fuck the intrusion of this whole workshop deal. He didn't need a shrink and even if he did, he sure as hell wouldn't spill his guts in front of a whole bunch of Nosy Parkers.

Ray thought about all that in a split second, thought about it and decided to keep his trap shut. He cleared his throat and kept his cool. "I've got nothing to say."  
  
"Nothing? You look like you've got plenty to say."

Before Ray blasted the son of a bitch, Ben interrupted. "Perhaps I should interject at this point that Ray is a very private person. However, if he had something to share, I'm sure he would. As you've probably observed in your short association with my partner, he's not the least bit reticent when it comes to sharing his opinions."  
  
Glaring, Ray sat back again, arms crossed, fists tucked up under his arm pits. "Yeah, what he said."  
  
Clemens looked first at Ben and then back at Ray, gauging the situation. A few seconds later, he nodded and moved back to the rest of the group, asking for a volunteer to share another tale of heartache and woe.

Ray turned and made eye contact, keeping his voice low. "I was about ready to punch the guy."

"So I surmised."  
  
"Thanks."

"Not a problem, Ray."  
  
Settling back in his seat, Ray wished like hell Ben could wrap his arm around his shoulders and pull him in for a hug while they listened to the rest of the shitty workshop. Instead he sat and put his time in, hating every damn minute. At least when it was over, he and Ben would have the night together, the whole night, no interruptions or rush jobs. Tonight they'd do it right.

* * *

"Are you feeling better, Ray?"  
  
Ray stretched and lifted his arms up high over his head to help relieve the stored up tension. His back and ass ached from sitting so long. "I'm okay. Just tired."  
  
"Too tired to go see the eagles?"  
  
"Eagles?"  
  
Ben held out a brochure he'd picked up from the lobby. "There's only an hour left of daylight. I thought if we hurry we could possibly see the eagles. Starved Rock has over 40 American Bald Eagles that migrate and spend the winter here."  
  
Ray sat on the bed and nodded in approval. "Eagles, huh?"  
  
"Yes. Apparently turbulence created by the river dam keeps the water from freezing and allows the birds to fish throughout the winter months. I thought, perhaps, if you're not too tired, we might get lucky enough to have a sighting."  
  
"Well, dinner's not for a few hours, I don't see why not."

"You'll need to dress warmly. The temperature's dropping."  
  
"How can you tell? We've been inside all day."  
  
Ben stepped to the closet and got out Ray's heavy coat and handed it to him. Then he got out his spy glass and slipped it into this own coat pocket. "I stepped out for just a few moments earlier. If I don't miss my guess, I'd say we'll have snow tonight as well."  
  
"Snow? How much snow?"  
  
"It's hard to say. After we've been out a bit longer, I might be able to make a prediction."  
  
Ray put on his coat and then picked up his wool cap and gloves. "Enough to get us snowed in at this joint?"

"Unlikely. Besides, all the sessions are inside the lodge."

"No snow days, huh?"  
  
"Snow days?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, no school, free day, fun in the snow?" Ray laughed at Ben confused expression. "Never mind. I keep forgetting you come from the capital of snow. Down here, you get enough snow, you get a day off. When I was a kid, man, I dreamed of snow days, prayed for 'em, especially if we were having a test or something. God, I hated school, all gab and nothing real. I always felt like I was wasting my time."  
  
Ben stepped to the door, Ray right beside him. "Does this program remind you of school?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Might be why I'm thinking about it so much. I hated it then, hate it worse now. Blah, blah, blah, I hate lectures."

As the walked out in the hall, Ben locked the door. "Actually, I found some of what Mr. Clemens was saying rather interesting."  
  
"Yeah, well, like I said, I hated school. I was never very good at it and it's just boring. We know all this shit. We live it. We don't need some guy telling it to us like we're some naïve rookie who's never done a day on the street."  
  
"Still, having someone give such disturbing statistics did make a rather strong impression."  
  
"On you, maybe." Ben didn't say anything, just kept walking, not happy. Ray touched his arm. "I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For being a jerk. If you like listening to that kind of stuff, fine. I just think it's a waste of time, that's all."  
  
"I know that, Ray. You've made your position perfectly clear."

As they walked into the great room, Wendy showed up like she'd been just waiting. She had another woman with her, a lady with long, dark curly hair, a real head-turner. "Hey, guys. Where are you going?"  
  
Ben stiffened beside him, obviously uncomfortable, and Ray answered for them both. "We're headed out to see the eagles."  
  
Wendy thumbed at the woman beside her. "Suzanne and I are roommates during this thing. She wanted to meet Fraser and then we thought you two might like to have a drink or something. You two busy later?"  
  
"Yeah, we kind of are."  
  
Suzanne spoke, her voice deep and kind of raspy, a smoker's voice and sexy as hell. "I'm sorry to hear that." She moved in closer to Fraser, touching his arm, her eyes big and wide. "I've been hoping to get to meet you ever since you showed up. I hear you're from Canada. I've always loved it up there. I've got an uncle, who"  
  
Ray butted in, his voice tight. "Look, Suzanne, it's nice to meet you and everything, but we're kind of on a deadline here. There's just a little bit of daylight left and Fraser here wants to see the eagles, so he'd going to see the eagles, okay?"  
  
Lips pursed, nearly pouting, Suzanne shrugged. "Well, sure, but later, maybe, we could all get together. I really want to hear about Canada and what you're doing down here. I'll bet it's a really interesting story."  
  
"He came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of his father, and for reasons that don't need explaining at this juncture, has chosen to remain. End of story." Ray took her hand off Fraser's sleeve and shot a glare at Wendy. Damn her for setting them both up. Bitch just didn't get it. "Now, we're off to see the eagles. Later."  
  
Ray didn't give anybody a chance to say anything. They were out the door and within a minute of heading down the trail, Fraser tried unsuccessfully to keep from laughing. "You were quite rude, Ray."  
  
"They were ruder."  
  
"True enough. Still"  
  
"Still nothing. Suzanne has man-eater written all over her."

"As does Wendy."  
  
"Girl doesnt know when to take a hint."  
  
"She is rather persistent."  
  
"Persistent, hell. It's like I've got my own stalker."  
  
Fraser's grin faded. "Do you think it's that serious?"  
  
"Dont be a goof. It's not serious. She just wants me, that's all."

"I sympathize. I know the feeling."  
  
Ray flushed not just from the icy wind, but from the heat that rose when he thought about Ben wanting him like that. "So, you're sure you're really in the mood to look at some birds?"  
  
Chuckling, Ben kept walking quickly, rushing so that they had some time to get out and back before dark. "Very sure." He took a deep breath. "Snow, Ray, it's on it's way. Several inches by morning."

Ray sniffed a few times, but all he did was sneeze. The cold air about froze his nose hairs. "Jesus, it's freezing out here. Colder than yesterday."  
  
"Temperature's falling. We need to hurry if we're going to get a chance to see the eagles."

Ray picked up the pace and moved beside Ben. "We should've brought a camera or something. You could take a picture."  
  
"I don't need a picture, Ray. I just want to see them. It's been a long time since I've seen an eagle in the wild."  
  
Ray recognized the homesickness in the voice, the kind of stretch of tone that came when Ben missed his own world. If seeing some bird helped make that better, he'd climb a fucking mountain by moonlight. "Okay, let's find these bad boys and see what they can do."

* * *

"Wow! Oh, wow!" Ray lifted his arm and pointed at the open stretch of air out over the river. "Look at that!"

"He's beautiful." Ben handed Ray his spyglass, his voice filled with reverence. "Look through here, Ray. He's getting ready to dive any moment."  
  
Ray snatched the glass and took an extra second to aim it and find the right spot. The full glory of the American bald eagle came into focus. Ray could hardly believe it as he watched the majestic bird dive and just skim the top of the water before heading back up into thin air with a fish in its claws. "Oh, man, look at that."  
  
"Magnificent."  
  
"Oh, yeah." Ray continued to watch in awe as the bird flew back over the tree line and then dipped out of sight to return to Plum Island. He took a deep breath and shook his head as he handed the spyglass back to Ben. "That's something else."

"Indeed, it is, Ray. With its habitat so much more limited in the US, it's even more remarkable to see it here of all places."

Ray stuffed his hands back down into his coat pockets as Ben continued to scan the area for more sightings. "They're endangered, right?"  
  
"Yes. Habitat destruction and the use of pesticides caused their numbers to become dangerously low for some time. Their population size is increasing, but slowly. Being protected and banning the use of DDT has helped, but it hasn't completely solved the problem."  
  
"Too many people, not enough room for the birds. Fucking hunters wanting trophies."  
  
Ben stopped looking out over the area and stared at Ray before he nodded, pleased that Ray understood so much more than he let on. "Precisely."  
  
"This is better than the Discovery Channel."  
  
"I'm glad you think so, Ray."  
  
"But it's getting dark. We should head back in."  
  
Reluctantly, Ben closed his spyglass and slipped it into his pocket. "True enough."  
  
"Maybe we can sneak out sometime before we leave and see these guys again."  
  
"I hope so. It's invigorating to see such a healthy specimen."  
  
As they headed back toward the lodge side-by-side, Ray kept his head down against the onslaught of the icy wind mixed in with freezing rain. "If we're lucky, we might find an eagle feather or something." 

"As you know, Ray, it's illegal to own an eagle feather without special permission from your government. So, if we find one, we're required to turn it in to the proper authorities."  
  
"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that." Ray turned his head and studied the lines of his partner's face. Apparently, Ray wasn't the only one feeling a little wear and tear. "You tired?"  
  
"A little." Ben caught Ray's concerned gaze and smiled. "I'm fine, Ray. As you know, neither of us got much sleep last night."  
  
Ray chuckled and slammed his body sideways, playfully bouncing his hip into Ben's hip. "And if we're lucky, we might not get much tonight."  
  
Ben laughed and pushed back against Ray's playful teasing as he continued to walk to the lodge. "I suppose it's possible that we might have better things to do than sleep."

"Lots better." Ray wrapped his arm around Ben's shoulder and squeezed quickly before letting go. He didn't let it bother him too much that Ben didn't hug back even though it was pretty dark outside and there was nobody else in sight. Instead, he just focused on getting back inside, alone in their room where they could hug and do anything else they damn well pleased without having to worry about what other people might see.

A few minutes later, Ray saw the little Christmas lights that wrapped the trees leading up the path to the entrance to the lodge. "You know, those lights don't exactly fit with the rustic theme much."  
  
"No, they don't." 

"Makes it easier to find the place though."  
  
"If one is blind, perhaps."  
  
The sarcastic tone surprised him. Ray studied Fraser as they got closer to the door. "You okay?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"You seem a little, I don't know, out of sorts."  
  
"Out of sorts?"  
  
"Yeah, like you're mad about something."  


Ben stopped and turned, grabbing Ray's arm. "I'm not mad at you, Ray. I just wish"  
  
"What? What do you wish?"  
  
Glancing around, checking to see that they were alone first, Ben met his gaze again. "I wish I could kiss you in public. I know it's not safe to do that. We haven't really talked about so many important issues. It's just that when you hugged me earlier, I wanted to hug you back, but didn't." Ben's fingers tightened on Ray's arm. "I have the same impulses to show my affection that you do, but I don't seem to be able to overcome my reservation and caution."  
  
"That's probably a good thing."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"Because one of us has to use his head. Me, I'm bad about doing the impulsive thing. Stella used to get upset sometimes because I'd just lay one on her in front of everybody."  
  
"She was opposed to public displays of affection?"  
  
"Depends. If we were out in the park or something, no problem. In front of friends or at a party, she clammed up and didn't want me to touch her other than maybe a peck on the cheek. The thing is, we had a choice. Man and a woman want to make out, nobody gives a fuck. We hold hands and it's on the eleven o'clock news."  
  
Ben nodded, his face serious and his expression more glum. "It shouldn't be that way, Ray."  
  
"No, but it is, at least for now. We just have to deal with it." A couple came out the front door, wrapped arm-in-arm, laughing as they walked on by. Ray waited until they passed and then spoke quietly. "Let's go to our room. We've got another hour before supper. Bet we can think of a way to spend it that doesn't include freezing our asses off."

Obviously cheered by the thought, Ben nodded and stepped to the door. He opened it and motioned for Ray to enter. "You first, Ray."  
  
"You try to carry me over the threshold and I'll deck ya."  
  
"Wouldn't dream of it, Ray. However, if we should ever go to my father's cabin, I'll make no promises."  
  
Ray chuckled to himself, just imagining Ben as the traditional type, the kind of guy who'd want to carry him over the threshold of their home for good luck. "You think I'm like your bride or something, huh?"  
  
"I think you're my partner, Ray."  
  
Smiling, Ray liked the sound of that a lot. "That works."

* * *

Back in the room, Ray took off his coat and hung it up while Ben busied himself starting the fire. Ray complained, "It's a shame we have real logs and stuff. A gas fire would be easier and a lot faster."  
  
Ben shook his head as he took off his own hat and coat. "A gas fireplace might be more practical with no ashes to clean and no logs to cut. However, I much prefer the full ambience of a real wood fire. Housekeeping is excellent here, by the way. They do all of that for us."  
  
"Yeah, all we have to do is strike a match. Too bad you don't have to go out and cut your own trees, though."

"Why do you say that?"  
  
"It'd be a nice view to see you swinging an ax and chopping wood."  
  
Even Ben's ears pinked up as he smiled. "You think so?"  
  
Wrapping his arms around Ben's waist, Ray nodded. "I know so. I've seen you without your shirt. You didn't get those kind of muscles flipping a switch."  
  
"Thank you kindly." Ben made the first move, leaning in and capturing Ray's cool lips. The contrast between the heat and lingering cold made Ray's mouth burn as Ben's tongue slipped inside and probed all over.  
  
Ray pulled back, his body already revved up and ready. "Let's get undressed and under the covers first."  
  
"As you wish." Ben released him, but didn't move far away. Instead of undressing himself, he started in on getting Ray naked first, taking off his sweater and T-shirt before leading him to the bed. As Ray sat down, Ben kneeled and took off Ray's boots, still wet and soggy from walking around.  
  
"You don't have to do that."  
  
"I know. I want to."  
  
Swallowing hard, Ray reached out and ran his fingers through Ben's thick hair as his partner then took off Ray's socks. Ben's head lifted and his eyes locked with Ray's intense gaze. "I love you, Ray. I think about you all the time. My whole world revolves around being with you now."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes." Ben hesitated before he added, "When you told me we had to take a breather from our relationship, I was undone. I had no idea what that really meant, the extent of our estrangement. I thought I'd gone too far and I'd lost you through my own perverse behavior. I really don't know what I would've done if that had been the case."

"It wasn't the case. I was just afraid because you were acting so crazy."  
  
"I know. I did some very foolish things."  
  
"You admit that? You admit that you were out of line?"  
  
"Very much so. I'm sorry."  
  
Ray accepted that totally, knowing Ben really meant it this time. That didn't mean that Ben still couldn't get taken out by a stray bullet or some whack job who wanted to push him off a building. Despite that, Ray wanted to take the chance, to risk loving someone again. He stood up, Ben still kneeling in front of him, and dropped his pants. Ray let him slip the jeans off his legs before Ben reached up to also slide off Ray's briefs. Standing there naked, Ray pulled Ben to his feet and kissed him again. This time, he did the tongue thing, exploring, sliding the tip across all those teeth. Ben let him do it, let him take the lead for the first time since they'd gone to a whole new level of partnership. When he pulled back, Ray whispered, "Take your clothes off and stay a while."  
  
Smiling, Ben nodded and quickly unbuttoned the flannel shirt. Ray lifted up the bedspread and cover and crawled in, settling against the clean sheets as he watched Ben slowly reveal himself. For some reason Ray always expected Ben to be bashful, shy with his body, but that wasn't the case, at least not with him. In fact, Ben kept his eye on Ray as he got out of his clothes, his gorgeous, uncut dick half hard already.  
  
Ray took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart. He wanted to take it slow this time, to not rush through like they'd done twice already. As Ben folded the last of his clothes, he slid in beside Ray and lay on his side. His hand touched Ray's face, his fingers fanned out on his cheek, his thumb rubbing Ray's lower lip. "You're beautiful, Ray."  
  
"You, too."

Ben kissed him hard, moving faster, his hands roving as his mouth got busy. Ray moaned with pleasure, his resolve to slow down fading. When Ben slipped a hand between his legs and touched his dick, Ray jerked and his eyes opened. "Wait up."  
  
"What is it, Ray?"  
  
"Slow down."  
  
Ben removed his hand and frowned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."  
  
"I know that." Ray took Ben's hand and drew it to his mouth before kissing each finger and then sliding the index finger into his mouth. As he sucked, Ben's face flushed bright red and his breathing got more shallow. Ray guided Ben on his back and then licked his tongue up the side of his neck before Ray lifted his head to meet Ben's questioning gaze. "You're the one who's been doing all the work. Now it's my turn."

"We're taking turns?" Ben's voice shook and sweat already beaded his forehead.

"No, but I want to take my time, do it right."  
  
"We weren't doing it right before?"  
  
Ray chuckled at Ben's worried frown. "There's not a damn thing wrong with how we did it before, but this time, I want to do it slow."  
  
"Slow?"  
  
"As in it's my turn to taste the Mountie." Ray dipped his head and kissed Ben's throat, then his chin before reaching his mouth. After another long kiss, he wallowed in the sexy sound of Ben's moaning. Ray straddled Ben's crotch, his butt just over Ben's erect dick. Leaning in, he licked both sides of Ben's face and then around the outer edges of his ears. Underneath him, Ben wriggled and squirmed, his hips pushing up and lifting Ray with him. Ben continued to make little noises, huffing and puffing, moans and groans, calling Ray's name over and over. It turned Ray on to hear it, to know that Ben wanted to be touched, to be explored like that. 

Shifting again, Ray moved to Ben's side and leaned over to play with Ben's nipples. Ben yelped at first and then writhed on the bed as Ray licked and suckled. Ray slowly moved his hand down Ben's belly, working his way south, drinking in the wonderful shudders of Ben's body. Ray lifted his head and whispered, "Spread your legs."

Ben opened his eyes, the blue nearly black with arousal before he finally complied. Ray moved to kneel between them and then stroked the inner thighs. Ben whimpered as Ray fondled his balls, leaning over and then using his tongue to flick the tip of Ben's dick. Once again, Ben chanted his name and Ray took that as an open invitation and approval.  
  
Ray had never sucked dick before, but he knew how he liked Stella to do it, how he loved when she played with his balls and teased him first with her tongue. So that's what he did, using his tongue as the first step to getting what he wanted. He ran it over the huge, pulsing vein along the underside and then up and over the slick tip covered with precome. The taste jarred him a little, not what he expected. He knew his own flavor, but this was different, more tart and sort of like the stuff his mum used to make pickles with, alum or something. It wasn't bad though, something he kind of liked.  
  
Ben's voice urged him on, begging him to keep going. "Ray, please"  
  
Smiling, Ray pushed Ben's knees up and kept them wide open. He wet his finger with spit and then using one hand to hold the dick, he used the other to tease between Ben's cheeks. He had his mouth sliding down over the top of the dick as he found the tight pucker and pushed in just with the tip of his right index finger. Ben jumped and grabbed Ray's head, his breathing more ragged. Ben was really close and Ray knew that, could actually feel the pulsing of the vein against his tongue, the growing tension in the balls. As he sucked harder, he pushed his finger in a lot deeper to find the right spot, the spot that always got him off when Stella touched it. His finger hit a hard spot deep inside and Ben jerked hard, bucking up and shoving his dick between Ray's tongue and the back of his throat.  
  
An explosion of thick, bitter fluid nearly gagged him and Ray pulled back enough not to choke. As Ben pumped a few more times and shuddered, he then lay still, his body covered in sweat. Ben's dick wilted while still in his mouth and Ray gave it a few more sucks for good measure as he slowly removed his finger from Ben's ass. Once again Ben whimpered, his red face contorted with pleasure as he shook all over.  
  
Ray worked his way back up the body, licking and nibbling before he settled for stretching up and over Ben's body, his still hard dick pushed against Ben's spent one. He sucked a spot at the base of Ben's throat, leaving a mark, wanting it to bruise enough for Ben to see it, to feel it, to know it was Ray who put it there.

Ben opened his eyes as his words came out all breathless. "Is it my turn yet, Ray?"  
  
"I think you just had your turn already, buddy."  
  
Laughing deep in his throat, Ben's dark eyes sparkled. "Indeed, I did. Then perhaps I should say, will you allow me the pleasure of returning the favor?"

"You think you're up to it?"  
  
Taking that as a challenge, Ben suddenly bucked up and threw Ray on his back. Surprised by the strength of the move, Ray got even more turned on, his dick and balls aching for touch. "You like it slow, Ray? Is that what you want, for me to tease you?"  
  
Ray saw the dare in those eyes, the fierceness that meant he'd only had a small taste of how much pleasure Ben could give once he got started. He wanted it all, everything and anything Ben wanted to share. It took a few extra seconds to bring the words to the surface. "I want whatever you want to give me."  
  
Ben took the initiative and straddled Ray's body, pushing Ray's arms up and over his head. He whispered a command. "Keep them there."  
  
"I like to touch."  
  
"You will, but not just this minute. I want you to keep your arms above your head while I do something I've been dreaming about for sometime."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Fellatio."  
  
"Fellatio as in blowjob?"  
  
Ben smiled, his eyes actually sparkling in the firelight. "Tit for tat, Ray. I want to do this, but as you did, I want to take my time, make it as good for you as you did for me."  
  
"And I have to keep my arms up for you to do that?"  
  
"I fear that if you touch me, I might rush to finish. As you said, you like it slow and I want to give you that."  
  
"Me and my big mouth."  
  
Ben laughed, a beautiful deep laugh that gave Ray goose bumps. He leaned over and took Ray's mouth, his tongue sliding in and taking it slow while his hands gripped the sides of Ray's face. Ray flashed on another time, breathless, drowning, when Ben did the same thing, puckered up and kept his heart beating, saved his life when Ray had nearly given up. When Ben pulled back, he flicked his tongue out and licked Ray's nose. "I love your big mouth, Ray."  
  
"Good thing. It's the only one I've got."  
  
"Lucky me."  
  
Before Ray came up with something smart to say, Ben stretched out over top of him, the weight heavy, but sexy at the same time. Ben's mouth took a lazy tour of Ray's mouth, face, and neck, before it took aim at Ray's nipples. The headboard had no slats, nothing to hold onto, so Ray grabbed the edges of the pillow and held on. His whole body trembled as Ben sucked on his tits, taking his time, rolling the nub of one with his fingers while his mouth took care of the other. Ray shifted and moaned, the pleasure too close to pain to tell the difference. Ray lifted his knees, his legs on either side of Ben's body, his dick pushing up into Ben's belly.  
  
Near the edge, Ray shook and trembled. Ben took notice and moved on, sliding his tongue down Ray's belly, sucking at his navel, and then shifted to kneel between his legs so that he had a full view of Ray's dick. Still holding onto the pillow for dear life, Ray swallowed hard, hoping Ben would hurry before his whole body exploded. 

Ben lifted his head, the smile devilish as he then used his tongue to explore the inside of Ray's thighs, licking up and around every place except his dick and balls. Ray wanted to scream, but didn't, didn't complain at all, because he knew without a doubt, that though he wanted to come, he never wanted this to end. This teasing, this tongue going everywhere made him crazy, made him tingle from the inside out and back again. He'd never been so turned on in his life, ever. His whole body buzzed with need, with want and excitement, with knowing that the world might snap any second.

Eyes squeezed shut, Ray swam in the whirl of sensation as Ben explored and pampered every inch, sucking, licking, mouthing every part of him. Ben used his hands to fondle and stroke, to knead all the right spots. Ray's cock twitched and ached with a belly-deep ache. Finally, when he thought Ben forgot all about the main objective, Ben's mouth made it home, settled into the serious business of getting him off. A cross between a scream and a croak tore at Ray's throat as his dick exploded with just a few licks and a suck. A blast of color spread across his brain, filling the black with bright white and yellow. He jerked and shuddered as his back arched up, jarring his bones, his muscles stretched tight. He came with a force like lightning, whipping him into another world, into brightness and delight. Ray swam in the breathless wonder of release, a honey glow made richer because he loved this man, this man who devoured him and yet made him more whole. None of it made sense, but he knew heaven when he found it and right now his body had wings. He flew up and over every hurt, every pain, every doubt. Sweet didn't begin to cover it.

After a few moments, the world settled in and Ray caught his breath again. Ben wrapped him in his arms, spooning behind him, his chin resting in the space between Ray's neck and shoulder. "Are you all right, Ray?"  
  
"All right?"  
  
"Your release seemed rather more intense than the other times."  
  
Ray laughed and shook his head. "You might say that. Jesus, where did you learn to do that?"  
  
The arms tensed around his body. "Does that matter?"  
  
Sighing, Ray closed his eyes. "Not a bit."

Ben kissed the side of his neck and whispered, "I love you, Ray."  
  
"Yeah, I love you, too. Go figure I'd fall for a Canadian."

Ben's lips pursed into a grin as he teased. "You said you had nothing against Canadians, Ray."  
  
"Except for the World Series, yeah, I know, and I don't, unless you count how Im leaning against you right this minute because you sucked out every bit of strength I've got in my whole damn body."  
  
"Oh, I think that counts, Ray."  
  
"Me, too, but in a good way."  
  
"Very good."  
  
"Good beyond good."  
  
"You're very competitive."  
  
"You're just figuring that out?"  
  
"No, but I never realized it extended to things beyond police work."  
  
Ray closed his eyes, relaxing into Ben's arms. "You think you can deal with it, me wanting to be on top sometimes, me wanting to call the shots every now and again?"

"I trust you, Ray."  
  
"You do, huh? Enough to let me let my arms down over my head next time?"  
  
"Perhaps. Or perhaps you can have me put my hands above my head next time instead."  
  
"Freak."  
  
"Your freak."  
  
"Better be."

Ben answered with a kiss and then a snuggle as they lay together in the firelight under the covers. Worn out, Ray closes his eyes. "Guess we'll skip supper tonight."  
  
"So it would appear. If you're hungry, we could rest and then drive into the local town and find a restaurant."  
  
"Nah, too much trouble. If I get hungry, I've got chips and M&Ms and you've got your jerky."  
  
Ben nuzzled into the side of Ray's neck, his voice soft and relaxed. "Sleep then?"  
  
"Oh, yeah." Lying in Ben's embrace, Ray cuddled, breathed easy, knew that for the rest of his life, Ben had his back for all the ways that counted.

* * *

Ray rolled over on his back and opened his eyes, still half asleep. The fire still flickered, but the bed was empty. He blinked a few times to let his eyes adjust to the low light and saw Ben standing in front of the window. No longer naked, Ben wore his briefs and white Henley.

"Hey, you okay?"

"It's snowing."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'd say there are at least three inches on the ground and it's still coming down fairly hard. I'd say there's likely to be at least another three inches by daybreak."  
  
"Just your kind of weather."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Ray yawned, stretched, and then rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. He sat up and leaned back against the headboard, pulling the sheet and blanket higher. "That make you homesick, seeing the snow and the woods and stuff?"  
  
Sighing deeply, Ben closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You have no idea."  
  
"Then tell me."  
  
Ben stared at him, a small smile thinning his lips. He turned from the window and came to bed, sliding in beside Ray. Scooting in close, Ray leaned back against his chest, Ben's right arm wrapped around Ray's neck. "Chicago has been difficult from the beginning."  
  
"Yeah, I get that. It's the whole fish out of water thing."  
  
"An apt description. My whole life I trained for wilderness survival, how to dress a caribou, how to fight the harshest of elements, to appreciate the power of nature and to coexist with that. Nothing prepared me for the shock of moving to the urban setting, nothing. If it hadn't been for Ray Vecchio, I would have no doubt resigned from the service and returned home."  
  
Ray frowned, disturbed by that thought. He'd never considered that part of the relationship before, how Vecchio helped Ben learn the ropes in the city. For some reason, he'd always thought of Ben teaching Vecchio a thing or two about being a good cop. Somehow he'd missed the give and take part of the equation. "I knew you and Vecchio were tight, best friends even. I never really thought about him helping you adjust or anything."

"Ray was the only reason I stayed in Chicago."  
  
Ray's gut tightened. "And after he left?"  
  
Ben kissed the side of Ray's neck. "Then there was you."  
  
"You stayed because of me? I mean, you didn't even know me."  
  
"I knew enough. I knew you were intriguing and by far the most interesting person I'd ever met."  
  
"Ever?"  
  
"Ever." Ben sighed deeply as he shifted and drew Ray into a more comfortable embrace with Ray sitting between his legs. "I have another confession to make."  
  
"Jesus, not another one." Despite the joking tone, Ray worried about what he might hear, might discover. He didn't know if he was up to another sucker punch from the man he loved.  
  
"I stayed for another reason."  
  
"What reason was that?"  
  
"After that very first day together, I realized I already had feelings for you."  
  
"Feelings? You mean feelings like friendship feelings or feelings like more than just partners feelings?"  
  
"Deeper feelings. It's not everyday a man saves your life by taking a bullet for you."  
  
"Ben"  
  
"Let me finish. It wasn't just that. I learned very quickly what kind of man you are. Despite your prickly nature, you have this intensity that is truly mesmerizing at times."  
  
"Prickly nature? You calling me prickly?"  
  
"Ray, please, be serious. You define prickly. Despite that, you let me in as your friend very quickly."  
  
"Well, you did track me down when I was staked out in the crypt."  
  
"And I told you then that I thought you were attractive."  
  
Ray chuckled to himself at the fond memory. "I had to ask you first. I still can't believe I actually asked you straight out like that."

"I'm glad you did. However, I let you think that I misunderstood what you were really asking. I did, and still do, find you incredibly attractive."  
  
Ray shook his head, a small grin on his face. "You're telling me that you knew how you felt all the way back when we first started working together and never said anything that whole time?"  
  
"To be fair, you didn't say anything, either. There was always Stella and a quest for the mythical happy reunion. When there wasn't Stella, there were any number of women you chose to pursue."  
  
"Hey, what about Bounty Hunting woman with the brats or even the country singer? I wasn't the only one fighting it."  
  
"It?"  
  
"This thing between us. I wasn't the only one trying to stay straight."  
  
Ben's chuckled, his head resting on the top of Ray's head. "I've never been straight, Ray, not completely. The few women in my life have been the exceptions rather than the rule."  
  
"Yeah, I kind of figured that."

Tilting his head enough that he could see Ray's face, Ben frowned and asked, "How did you figure that?"  
  
"The first time we did it, you knew what you were doing and seemed okay with it. I figured you had experience." Ray turned back around, resting his head back against Ben's chest as he finished. "Doesn't matter. I dont care who you've been with before me just so long as I'm it from now on."  
  
"That's not a problem, Ray. You're, indeed, it."  
  
"Good."  
  
Ray closed his eyes, still a bit sleepy and tired. After a few moments, Ben nudged him. "Ray, may I ask you a question? You dont have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable."  
  
Eyes still shut, Ray snuggled back harder. "Sure, shoot."  
  
"You told me once that Stella was the only woman you've ever been with."  
  
"Yeah, that's true."  
  
"So, have you ever, I mean, that is to say, did you"

Ray's eyes popped open and he shook his head in amusement more than frustration. He pulled away and turned around to see Ben struggling to get the words out. "Are you asking me if I ever slept with a guy before?"  
  
Relieved, Ben nodded. "I have no right to ask and if you don't want to tell me, I'd understand. It's just that your proficiency surprised me. I always assumed you were strictly heterosexual."  
  
Ray scratched his head, a small grin on his face. "In practice, I always was, but in my head I guess I was a little more flexible."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I mean, Stella's the only one I've ever been with. I mean, I've kissed other women and made out, but I've never done it with anyone but her until you." Ray grinned before he added, "Thanks for the proficiency thing. You're pretty damn proficient yourself."  
  
Ben stared at him a moment and then shook his head in disbelief. "You're telling me you've never had a male lover?"  
  
"Not unless you count the ones I imagined in my head when I checked out some seriously dirty pictures I sneaked around and got off the internet."  
  
Ben's eyes widened in surprise. "You downloaded gay porn?"  
  
"Don't get all bent out of shape. I didn't do it at work. I went to one of those computer café places. It's pretty damn amazing what's on the net. Just about anything you're into, they've got pictures to spare. I'm still a little freaked out about the donkey and the cabin boy thing, though. Go figure."  
  
"I'm shocked."  
  
"Shocked that I like porn or about the donkey thing?"  
  
"Shocked that you're so open to this after spending most of your life in a completely different situation. Did Stella know you were latently homosexual?"  
  
Ray sat back against the headboard, crossing his arms. He hated thinking about that, about how Stella knew him better than he knew himself sometimes. "We were married a long time, Ben, half my life. She knew what turned my crank and I knew what turned hers. Sex was never an issue with us. She didn't mind if I got all hot and bothered watching guys kissing as long as I ended up in her bed. Same thing with me. If she liked to read sex stories to get in the mood, I was down with that. It wasn't about being gay or straight. It was just about making the other person feel good. I had no complaints in that department even in the end. That wasn't want split us up."  
  
Ben swallowed hard before he asked the next hard question. "If you dont mind my asking, what did end your marriage?"  
  
"It wasn't just one thing. It was a lot of little and big things all lumped together. I mean, for one thing we grew up. She ended up a lawyer, me a cop, both supposed to be on the same side, but it didn't always feel like that. Sometimes it was like we never wanted the same thing at all, on the job or off. Then there was the business about me being undercover so much." Ray cleared his throat, the whole subject a real sore spot. "Finally, it was about having kids. I figured if we just had kids, that would fix everything. She'd be happy being a mom and it'd all be greatness, but she didn't want that, wanted to have a career instead. I was willing to wait until she got off the ground, but I missed all the clues, Ben. She never wanted kids. Thinking back, she'd said that all along, but I just wasn't hearing it. I always figured she'd change her mind, but she never did."

Ben's face paled and he shifted, sitting side-by-side with Ray, his arms crossed. "If you feel that way, then I don't understand why you would pursue a relationship with me."  
  
Ray jerked his head around and stared at Ben's rigid form before he got it, understood what Ben was really saying. Reaching over, Ray took one of Ben's hands in his own. He needed to explain this right, make sure Ben understood the whole picture. "I don't have to have kids, not anymore, not really. That was just some pipe dream, a fixit for what I thought was wrong with my marriage. I'm a cop, you're a cop. What the hell would we do with a kid?"  
  
Ben squeezed Ray's hand, his eyes dark with understanding. "But you'd be a wonderful father, Ray."

"Yeah?"  
  
"Most definitely."  
  
"It's a mute point. Not going to happen."

"You mean moot?"  
  
"Mute, moot, you know what I'm saying." 

"I do, yes." 

Ray slipped down in the bed under the covers and tugged Ben down with him so they lay face-to-face. Ray's right foot came up and dragged along Ben's lower leg under the blanket. "Doesnt matter. I'm with you and that's where I want to be."  
  
Ben reached over and caressed Ray's face as he whispered, "I feel the same way, Ray."

Kissing Ben softly, Ray shifted over to lie against him, soaking up the incredible body heat. "It's still dark out and I'm still pretty whipped. Let's get a little more shuteye. We've got plenty of time to talk about all this stuff later."  
  
"Then sleep, Ray. I'll wake you in plenty of time to get breakfast."  
  
Ray slid a hand along Ben's waist and hip before slipping it between their bodies to tease the tip of Ben's cock through his briefs. "Make it an hour earlier."

Ben moaned low in his throat, his eyes squeezed shut. "With pleasure."

* * *

Curled on his side, Ray slept soundly throughout the rest of the night, not moving much at all. Ben didn't know why that surprised him so much, other than the fact that when awake, Ray never really settled or relaxed much. The tension and harsh experiences of the job often twisted the way Ray saw the world and his place in it. In his sleep, Ray's restful face looked at least ten years younger, the stresses of Ray's waking life somehow washed away. Ben hoped that in some small way he made Ray's life easier, or less twitchy as Ray would call it.

Watching Ray sleep calmed him, swelled Ben's heart with a love and affection he never remembered experiencing before. Nothing he'd ever had with previous lovers compared to this feeling for Ray. The intensity of it nearly overwhelmed him sometimes, caused a tiny flutter of panic just under the breastbone. Despite that, he found he adored the sleeping man more than he ever dreamed possible. Ben craved his touch, his voice, every part of him that made him the unique person who never ceased to amaze and surprise Ben so many times.

Ben finished lacing and tying his right boot and stood up from the chair. Then he stepped to the bed and leaned over, gently kissing Ray's cheek. He'd put a note on the pillow beside Ray's head in case he should wake before Ben returned from his morning walk. As he left the room, Ben locked the door behind him and realized that he missed having Diefenbaker by his side. Despite the wolf's chronic complaining, Ben knew his arctic companion would likely enjoy romping in the new snow. 

Outside, it was barely light, but he made his way along the path and away from the lodge to a trail leading down toward the river. Still sleeping or staying inside, no one else moved around the park and that suited him, the solitude, the impression that he had the world to himself for a while. The cold wind and crunch of snow under Ben's feet soothed his homesickness, let him imagine for a brief moment that he tracked across his own world instead of this one.

"There's no mistaking this for home, Son. Don't delude yourself."  
  
Ben didn't bother to turn, but continued walking, oddly unperturbed by his father's unexpected intrusion. "What are you doing here, Dad?"  
  
"Even the dead get a vacation from time to time."  
  
"Why in the world would you need a vacation?"

"The same reason the living do, rest and relaxation, to visit family and friends. That brings me to you. Do you really know what you're doing with the Yank, Son? I thought you were over this phase?"  
  
"Phase?"  
  
"I'd think your time with the Aboriginal boy and that hockey hooligan would've been enough to put you off men for a lifetime."  
  
Ben didn't have to ask whom his father meant. His affairs with Innusiq and Mark had ended rather badly. His father had apparently known about his orientation for some time, but they'd never really discussed it openly while he was alive. His father's disapproval came as no surprise and he accepted it like so many other things about the man who never understood him. "It's not a phase. It's who I am."  
  
"What about finding a sturdy woman and giving me grandchildren, carrying on the Fraser name?"  
  
"You don't need grandchildren. You're dead."

His father huffed in irritation as he walked by his side. "So you keep reminding me, far too often and with much glee I might add."  
  
"I love Ray."  
  
Bob Fraser's voice softened. "Son, when I said partnership was like a marriage, I didn't mean for you to take it literally."  
  
"How did you mean for me to take it?"  
  
"Buck and I never misconstrued our relationship. We were best friends and partners, but we never got confused, not even during that two week blizzard when we were trapped in a tent outside Inuvik and had nothing to drink but melted snow and whiskey. We never let it go too far."  
  
"Too far?"  
  
Bob stopped walking and Ben did the same as he studied his father's serious expression. "We were freezing. As you know standard procedure is to conserve body heat with skin-to-skin contact. We did what we had to in order to survive."  
  
Ben held up a hand to halt any further revelations. "Enough. I get the picture."  
  
"I'm not sure you do. Buck and I were close, very close, but we never once stepped over that line, Son, not once despite the temptation to do so. I loved your mother and Buck respected that."  
  
Ben's mouth opened and then he closed it as he processed what he'd just heard. After a few more moments, he asked, "Are you saying that Buck wanted more than just a partnership and you turned him down?"  
  
Bob shook his head several times and waved a hand of dismissal. "It was a long time ago, Son, a mere lapse in judgment. It's something Buck and I never talk about. Even long after your mother died, he never suggested anything untoward again. We remained friends even until the end." 

His father intense eyes met his gaze. "Sleeping with your partner, Son, that's over the line, thats something that shows you're not thinking clearly. It's understandable. You're lonely and you've simply confused your dedication to duty and your affection for the Yank for something else. It happens to the best of men sometimes. It doesn't mean you have to throw away our future because of it."  
  
Hands behind his back, Ben stood straighter and shook his head. "I'm not confused, Dad, and it's my future, not yours. For the first time in my life I know exactly what I want, and that's Ray by my side forever. This is not just a partnership for the benefit of serving the public. It's much more than that. It's a real marriage, heart and soul, like you and Mom, only I don't plan to spend most of my marriage away from the person I love because of some compulsive and self-sacrificing devotion to duty."  
  
Ben never saw a ghost flush so quickly before, but that's what his father did, became suddenly beet red. "You're comparing what you have with the Yank to your mother and me?"  
  
"Yes, I am."

"I didn't raise you to be so disrespectful."  
  
"You didn't raise me at all."  
  
His father stood very still, but then slowly nodded, his voice more calm. "I deserved that." Ben didn't argue, but began walking again. His father moved to keep up. "Is there nothing I can say to dissuade you from this self-destructive course of action, Son?"  
  
"I don't see it as self-destructive."  
  
"Oh, you never do, you never do. This is that Victoria woman all over again."  
  
Anger hit him like a fist. Ben stopped and turned, his words tight. "Don't **ever** say that again. Ray is nothing like Victoria. He's my friend, my partner, my lover, the man who would die for me, has risked his life for me countless times. I never had anything like that with Victoria."  
  
"But you said you loved her, too."  
  
"That's true, I did, but I had no way of knowing what love is until I met Ray."  
  
"Now you're just being melodramatic and overly romantic."  
  
"Im being honest. Now, you can accept this or not, that's up to you. It won't change how I feel about Ray. He's in my life for as long as he'll have me."  
  
"You're being incredibly selfish, Son."  
  
"Perhaps, but you can't run my life from the grave even though you never fail to try."  
  
His father shook his head in utter frustration. "This is very unsettling. I had such high hopes for grandchildren, bouncing them on my knee, telling them stories of great adventures. Your mother will be very disappointed."

Ben stopped in his tracks. "You've seen Mom?"

"No, but when I do, I'm sure she'll be as upset about this as I am."  
  
"Mom would want me to be happy. If she knew my heart, she'd know that can only happen with Ray."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Positive."  
  
"Stubborn as a wolf with a fresh carcass, just like your mother."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Oh, that wasn't a compliment, Son."  
  
"It was to me."  
  
"You're as perverse, obstinate, and contentious as ever. We could never really talk, could we? We just never could find common ground."  
  
"When you were alive, no. I was hoping for better now."  
  
Bob lifted a finger and shook his head. "No promises. I'll consider what you've said, but don't expect me to accept it so easily. We'll see what the Yank has to say after he's put up with you for a few more years."  
  
"Let's hope it's for many years to come."  
  
Ben heard an eagle's call and he jerked his head toward the river. In the stretch of distance he saw the great bird soar, his wings spread as he hunted for breakfast. The vision stirred up jealousy, made Ben think about how eagles mated for life and flew free in an open expanse of air. Endangered or not, Ben envied the primal simplicity and freedom of such an existence.

Ben turned back, but his father's spirit no longer stood by his side. The white puffs of his own breath accentuated his deep sigh. Ben always lived for his father's approval for as far back as he could remember, from the time he was just a little boy. Nothing he ever did came close to reaching the impossibly high bar of expectation that his father raised. Even after his death, it seemed Ben would never please the one man that mattered in his life up until now. Somehow the weight of that realization didn't press him down nearly as much as it used to. Now that he had Ray, he didn't much care what his father said or did. The world filled with possibilities that he never knew existed before, hopes and promises he always believed came only to others and never to himself. The world seemed bigger and smaller all at the same time, bigger with desire and yet smaller and safer because of the intimacies he shared with Ray. 

The sun rose and the light reflected off the snow like a kiss as Ben smiled and headed back to the room to wake Ray. 

* * *

Ray lay on the bed staring sleepily at the fire, wondering if he should get up and add another log or two, when the door opened. He grinned, happy to see the return of his partner. "Hey."  
  
"Hey." Ben came in and took off his coat and hat, shaking off the bits of snow that still lingered. He came around to the side of the bed and leaned over for a quick kiss. The fresh smell of snow mixed with the distinctive scent of Ben gave Ray a little shiver all over. 

As he pulled away, Ray patted Ben's face. "Get undressed and come back to bed. You're cold and we've still got another hour to kill before breakfast."  
  
Ben smiled and nodded, quickly taking off his boots and then stripping down to just his underwear. He slipped under the covers and snuggled up next to Ray, not saying a word, just resting his face against Ray's chest.  
  
Ray frowned and rubbed his hand up and down Ben's back. "You okay?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"You sure? Something happen on the walk I should know about?"  
  
Instead of answering, Ben lifted his head and kissed Ray's chin and then captured his mouth. Ray fell back against the pillow, drinking in the sensation of that glorious tongue taking its sweet time to say good morning. When Ben eased back, he relaxed again against Ray. Wrapping his arms around Ben, Ray waited. He could always tell when Ben had something on his mind. He got real quiet and thoughtful, like he couldn't figure out just how to say what he wanted to say. Ray hoped to hell Ben wasn't having second thoughts about the relationship. He didn't know if he could stand that, to give up something that he wanted and needed so much. After Ben remained silent for a while, Ray pushed a little harder. "So, what'd you do on your walk?"  
  
"I was just thinking, trying to clear my head."  
  
"Clear your head about what?"  
  
"About us, about what this all means."  
  
Ray stiffened and took a deep breath, bracing himself for what might be coming. "Just say it. You want out? You want to call it quits?"  
  
Ben lifted his head and met Ray's worried gaze. "I love you. I never want this to end."  
  
Relieved, Ray nodded, but then frowned. "So what were you thinking about then?"  
  
Relaxing into Ray's embrace, Ben shut his eyes. "Does your family know about you?"  
  
"Know what about me?"  
  
"About you being a bisexual."  
  
"Is that what I am? Bi?"  
  
"Aren't you?"  
  
"I suppose. I guess I never really thought about it. I just fall for the person. Stella, you, that's pretty much it."  
  
"I know, but"  
  
"But you're wondering if Mum ever suspected I was more flexible about what I wanted?"  
  
"Yes, something like that, only I was more curious about your father. I mean, you said he rejected you for being a police officer. How do you suppose he'd receive the news if he should ever discover you've chosen a same-sex partner?"  
  
"Wow."  
  
Ben opened his eyes and turned around to see Ray staring at him. "What?"  
  
"That must have been some walk."  
  
Sheepishly, Ben shifted and leaned back on the pillow so he could easily watch Ray as they spoke. "I'll confess my own father wouldn't be pleased."  
  
"And that matters to you a lot, huh?"  
  
"Not really?"  
  
"Not really? This is the guy who was pretty much your hero your whole life, Ben. You can't tell me it wouldn't bother you if he got upset about this."  
  
"In case it's escaped your notice, my father's dead, Ray."  
  
"I know that, Mr. Smart Guy. I'm just saying"

"It honestly doesnt matter to me what my father might think."

Ray ran a hand through his unruly hair and then scratched his head. "Did he know about you, about you and guys?"  
  
"Apparently."  
  
"Apparently? What's that mean?"  
  
"We never discussed it openly, but he knew. He didn't approve. In fact, he never approved of any of my liaisons, women included." Ben put his hands behind his head as he lay on his back. The position stretched his muscles and showed off his chest in the best way possible. Ray's mouth went dry, but he kept his hands to himself. They needed to hash this out, figure out where things stood on the parental approval front.  
  
"Kind of a prude, huh? What, did he think you should be married first before you slept with somebody or something?"

"He wanted me to have children so he could have grandchildren. It didn't matter that he never took the time to raise the one son he did have."  
  
"Selfish old fart."  
  
"That would be my estimation as well, Ray." Ben paused and then added, "What about your father? You never answered my question about his reaction."  
  
Ray lay down and stretched out beside Ben, his hand resting on his flat belly, petting it nervously. Talking about his father wasn't exactly how he'd pictured starting the morning. Nothing wilted a morning hard on faster than talking about his parents finding out about him being gay. "My mum, she'll be okay after she gets over the shock. My dad, well, I figure Arizona might get him back for a few more years."  
  
Ben caught Ray's hand on his stomach and held it still. "And that doesn't bother you, losing your father again after reconciling so recently?"  
  
Ray squeezed his hand and shook his head. "I'd be lying if I said it didn't bug me, but fuck that. My father is a guy who thinks the world should be run his way, a real tough guy who's set in his ways, old ways, ways that say what we're doing is wrong. I never believed that. Even when I was a kid and had to go to church, I hated hearing that shit. It didn't make any sense then and it sure as hell doesn't make any sense now. How can loving someone be wrong?"  
  
"I don't believe it is."  
  
"Me, either." Ray shifted closer, his body suddenly in the mood again. "So, we done talking about this or can we move on to something a lot more fun?"  
  
Ben teased him. "What exactly did you have in mind?"  
  
Ray leaned in close, his lips just brushing Ben's as he whispered, "Something that would make both our dad's blow a gasket. You with me?"  
  
"Absolutely." Ray slid a hand down under the covers and stroked through the thin cotton of his briefs. Ben's erection made a huge comeback as he stretched and moaned in approval at the touch. "Ray"  
  
"What? What do you want?"  
  
Eyes squeezed shut, face red, Ben bucked up against Ray's hand. "Good Lord, just that."  
  
Nodding, Ray grinned wickedly as he stopped just long enough to push the briefs out of the way. His hand fisted around Ben's thick cock, the wiry, dark pubic hair tickling against his skin. He loved watching Ben bite his lower lip as he writhed on the bed. Ray varied the pressure as he jerked Ben off, watching the progression as Ben got closer and closer to getting off. Ben's fucked his grip, his hips pushing along with the rhythm Ray started.  
  
Ben's dick burned his hand, twitched and exploded all in a matter of a few minutes. The deep, gut-wrenching cry nearly made Ray stop, but he didn't, knowing that Ben called out like he was in pain when he came. Still milking until the last spasm passed, Ray leaned over and kissed Ben thoroughly, fucking his mouth with his tongue. As he pulled back, Ben opened his eyes, dark with just a thin ring of blue around the black. "Ray"  
  
"Yeah, I know. You're welcome."  
  
Working hard to catch his breath, Ben smiled. "I love you. That was amazing. You have remarkable hands, Ray, incredible. I've always thought so."  
  
"Thanks. It's always better to have a helping hand than do it yourself, especially first thing in the morning." Ray laughed as Ben got even redder. "Come on, Ben, we all do it. 

"I know, but"  
  
"But you don't talk about it. I get that." Ray kissed him again, their teeth clicking before he pulled back. "I've got my hand on your dick, Ben. We can talk about anything. Nothing's off limits, okay?"  
  
Ben took an extra second and then nodded in agreement. "Okay."  
  
Ray reached over and got a couple of tissues from the bedside table. He cleaned off his hand and then snuggled down in close to Ben, his own dick in need of attention. He licked Ben's nipple through the thin cloth of the undershirt and whispered, "I love your hands, too."

No moss grew on the Mountie. Ben turned on his side, his eyes trained on Ray as his hand found its way between Ray's legs. Squeezing his eyes shut, Ray groaned in pleasure, thrilled that Ben's hand knew just want to do, not too hard, not too soft. He gripped his dick just right, with this thumb teasing the slit at the tip, playing with it as he stroked and set up the rhythm. So many times Ray fantasized about this, about Ben reaching down and jerking him off, making him come with just the right touch. Now it was happening, Ben giving him a hand job, making him tingle and spark all over. His balls and belly ached as the deep need to come continued to build. Like a flash, Ray arched up, his backbone bent as the release hit him like a blast of nothing but toe-curling delight. He jerked several times and each time flashes went off in his head, bright and all different colors, better than fireworks. Breathless, the air thinned, his lungs ached. Ben still touched him, fondled his balls before stroking him just a few more times for good measure. 

Eyes still shut, Ray's voice failed him. Instead, he whimpered as Ben leaned in and kissed him. His head swimmy, Ray soaked up all the heat, all the contact as Ben took his time to kiss him to within an inch of consciousness. Ages later, Ben pulled him into a close hug, licking and nipping the side of his neck. "I love you."  
  
Smiling, Ray nodded, eyes shut, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and wake up again in Ben's arms. "Same here."  
  
Drifting, his mind floating on a bed of good feeling, Ray nearly dropped off, but found Ben sucking on his shoulder and reminding him of their duty. "Ray, we have to get up. We need to shower before breakfast."  
  
After no supper the night before, just the word breakfast made his stomach growl. Eat or go to sleep, it was a hard choice to make at that point. "Do we have to?"  
  
"Shower or go to breakfast?"  
  
"Either, both."  
  
"Both would be preferable." Ben nipped the skin and then attacked Ray's ear. "I'm hungry and we both would likely offend the olfactory senses of the other members of our group."  
  
"Is that your weird Canadian way of saying we stink?"  
  
"I think we smell marvelous, but"  
  
"But you're a freak."  
  
"So it's been said, yes."  
  
Sighing, Ray relented. "Okay, shower, then breakfast, but today we're showering together."  
  
Ben stopped using Ray's ear for an appetizer. "Are you sure that's wise, Ray?"  
  
"I'm still weak in the knees. I don't trust myself to not end up doing a header in the shower."  
  
Slapping his shoulder, cheery as all get out, Ben nodded. "Right you are then. We'll shower together, but nothing untoward, Ray. We have a schedule and, quite frankly, if I don't get something nutritious soon, I might do a bit of fainting myself."  
  
"Nothing untoward?" Ray snorted. "I think we're past the point of untoward, Ben, way past."  
  
"Perhaps, but you take my meaning." 

"Yeah, yeah, no fooling around with the soap."  
  
Ben's eyes widened and then he pursed his lips as he reconsidered his position. "You know, Ray, I can eat in less than ten minutes given the proper motivation."  
  
"Proper motivation, huh, sort of like maybe a little slip and slide and have a good time kind of thing?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
Ben didn't give Ray a chance to move first. Instead, he was out of the bed and had the shower running before Ray said, "You're on." 

* * *

Thanks to the snow and the delayed arrival of two of the facilitators who'd gone into town the night before, breakfast lasted longer than ten minutes. Ray stuffed another half pancake in his mouth and washed it down with his third cup of coffee. Ben raised an eyebrow and cocked his head in amusement. "Hungry?"  
  
Ray talked while he still had food in his mouth. "Starved. I don't usually do breakfast, but this stuff is really good."  
  
"It must be, considering the way you're devouring it."  
  
Ray aimed his fork at Ben and complained. "It's your fault I'm eating like a pig."  
  
"My fault? I do believe I suggested we get supper last night, but you're the one who decided sleeping took precedence."  
  
Ray didn't argue or mention that being wiped out from sex was Ben's fault, too. Instead, he just shrugged and attacked his huge stack of blueberry flapjacks, pecan waffles, and bacon smothered in real maple syrup. When all that sugar and caffeine hit his system, he'd be good to go again, ready to take on a workshop or ten.

Across the table, Ben sipped his tea and worked on finishing his more conservative plate of ham and eggs with biscuit and milk gravy. After a few minutes, he asked, "Ray?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you know what's on the schedule for the day?"  
  
"More bullshit probably."  
  
"Ray"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know. No cussing at the table." Ray wiped his mouth and leaned in a little closer. "It's just that there are things I'd much rather be doing than sitting in a room full of strangers."  
  
Ben blushed and nodded with a small grin. "I agree."  
  
Laughing, Ray shook his head and went right on eating.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yeah, I love the way you turn all red sometimes."  
  
Ben didn't smile back, his voice more tight and little pissy. "I'm glad **you** like it."  
  
Putting his fork down, Ray frowned. He was seeing a whole new side of his partner, more open, more vulnerable. In some ways he liked it, but they still didn't have all the ground rules laid out yet and he sure didn't want to fuck it up by being an asshole and stepping on Mountie toes with his heavy boots on. "Don't get mad. I just think it's kind of cute, that's all."  
  
"It's embarrassing."  
  
"Since when?"  
  
"Since always. Ever since I was a child, I blushed at the most inopportune times." Ben fiddled with his napkin and shook his head. "I can't tell you how many times I wished for a much darker complexion, one that didn't make me appear like some awkward teenager throughout most of my life."

Ray sat back and studied Ben for a second, imagining what it must have been like to be so pale with all those tanned Inuit around, Ben's skin giving away his secrets when he least wanted it to. Bet he took a hell of a lot of ribbing, which probably only made things worse. Ben liked control, but his own body didn't play along and that bugged him, made him even more shy and self-conscious. Here he was grown and the whole blushing thing still messed with his head. It was a shame, too, because fuss all he wanted, Ben looked damn fine in red. Blush, serge, it didn't much matter. Red suited him whether he wanted to believe it or not. "You know what I think?"  
  
"I hate to imagine."  
  
Ray ignored the sarcasm and went on to explain. "I envy the way you get all flustered sometimes, the way you pink up when I talk even a little bit dirty."  
  
Ben shook his head in surprise. "You envy me?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I do. When was the last time you saw me blush outside the bedroom when I wasn't all sweaty?"  
  
Eyes narrowed, Ray watched as Ben combed back through his memories and then frowned. "I think it was when Stella responded to your suggestions about eggnog and trimming the tree by telling you she would rather shoot moonbeams out her"

Ray lifted a hand quickly to stop the last word, his face hotter. He recalled how Stella shot him down in front of everybody only to be shut down by Welsh. The lieutenant watched his back. Good thing, too, because even now, he still let her get away with murder. "You remember that, huh?"  
  
"Yes. She was uncharacteristically unprofessional and rather crass in her comment."  
  
"Well, she's like that sometimes when it comes to me."  
  
"So I've noticed. I've also observed that you allow such liberties to no one else."  
  
Ray held up a hand, his eyes squeezed shut to close off the flood of bad memories. "Let's not go there, okay?"  
  
"Understood."  
  
Opening his eyes, Ray saw the hurt, the pinch around the eyes. "I said we can talk about anything, and I meant it, but I'd rather not talk about Stella right now, not on a full stomach. Let's save it for when we've got plenty of time and maybe some popcorn."  
  
"Popcorn?"  
  
"Hey, every good drama deserves popcorn." Ben nodded, a weak smile on his lips that showed he got it. Ray decided to head back to safer waters. "Look, we were talking about the blushing thing. My point is, I don't blush much, hardly ever. Why? Because unlike you, I don't keep everything all bottled up. You pretty much know what I'm feeling from the get go."

"That's very true, Ray. However mercurial and volatile you might be, one is rarely confused about your emotional state." 

Ray let the volatile slam slide, knowing Ben did that, threw that personal shit out to distract him. It wouldn't work this time. "You, on the other hand, keep yourself buttoned down so tight, you need a pick ax to dig out what's going on inside."

"Are you suggesting that my tendency to blush is directly linked to my tendency to be emotionally contained?"

"I think the word you're looking for here is repressed, Ben."  
  
"Repressed? You think I'm repressed?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, especially when it comes to emotions and sex."

Ben's frown deepened as he stared at Ray like he'd lost his mind. "That's absurd. You of all people know I'm not sexually repressed."  
  
"Not once you get going, no, but talk about it, and it's glow in the dark time." Before Ben got a chance to respond, Ray continued to make his point. "Me, I don't care that you blush like an innocent school boy. Hell, if you want to know the truth, it kind of turns my crank when you get like that. It's a real turn on."

"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, really. I'm just saying that if it bothers you that much, maybe you should trying letting go more, blow off some steam so it doesn't come out when you don't want it to." 

Ben didn't answer right away, but then met Ray's gaze as he spoke quietly. "I still don't believe I'm sexually repressed, not to the level you're suggesting. However, I will admit that the rest of your commentary actually makes a lot of sense, Ray. I've never really considered such a connection."  
  
"Sometimes it's easier to see stuff like that when somebody else sees it first."  
  
"True enough." Ben's eyes suddenly narrowed as he focused on something behind Ray. "Oh, dear."  
  
"What?" Ray turned around and saw Wendy and Suzanne heading in their direction, smiling and all made up for a new day of trying their luck and taking their chances. "Fuck."  
  
"Ray"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, no cussing in front of the ladies."

Before either man had a chance to get up, the two women stood by the table. Wendy spoke first. "Morning, guys. Mind if we join you?"  
  
Hell, no, he didn't want them joining them, but Ray knew better than to say that out loud. He cleared his throat instead and tried to sound pleasant. "We were just finishing up."  
  
"That's okay. We've already eaten. We just wanted some company while we wait for the session to start. Seems our guy Clemens went into town last night and is having some trouble getting back. I mean, it snows a few inches and they practically shut down the highway out here." 

Wendy grinned, her lipstick not too red, but just red enough to make her lips look sexy as hell. She wore a blue velour sweat suit and her blond hair fell down around her face. She looked pastel and petite next to Suzanne. A much sturdier, darker breed of woman, Suzanne wore tight jeans and sweater stretched way too tight over breasts most women had to pay for. Hell, Ray wasn't sure if she hadn't shelled out some cash for those babies, either. Frankly, he didn't much care. He was too busy watching Suzanne smiling wide and aiming her charms at Ben.  
  
Ray leaned back, trying not to let the fact that Suzanne had moved her chair even closer to Ben bother him. Ben stared over at Ray, his eyes wide like they got when Frannie came on too fast and too hard and wearing that tight black mini-skirt she had when she had a lot of bending over to do. Ray got the message loud and clear. Ben wanted out of there, the sooner the better. Ray stood up. "If this thing's delayed, then Fraser and I are going back to the room for a little bit. I still haven't listened to those CDs I won yesterday. I figure Clemens might ask, so I should probably listen to a few tunes just to know what's what."  
  
"But they said to stay here until they call us."  
  
"Tell you what, Wendy, you can give us a call when he gets here. You know the room number. Meanwhile, we're going to head out. See you girls later." Ray motioned to Ben, who stood up and followed him out of the room and down the hallway before either woman had a chance to get a word out.

Safely out of earshot, Ben shook his head in amazement. "Ray, that was very abrupt even for you."  
  
"You want to go back?"  
  
"Not unless you've got handcuffs."  
  
"For you or Suzanne?"  
  
Ben chuckled, but didn't pink up, didn't even blush just a little bit. "I think you right about one thing."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Suzanne definitely has designs on my person."  
  
"Well, she'd better start aiming those designs in another direction. She and Wendy are starting to get on my nerves with this whole come on thing. They're cops. You'd think they'd take the hint."  
  
"That we're not interested?"  
  
Ray grinned as he put the key in the lock. "Not in them anyway." Ben hurried him inside and locked the door behind them before he did one of the things Ray liked best, kissed him until time became a faint and fuzzy memory.

* * *

"You've all got pads and pencils. I want you to look around the room and see how many brown things you can find. After three minutes, you'll jot them down, as many as you can remember. Okay, go. Start looking."  
  
Ray figured if nothing else this was more in line with doing what a cop does, observing, checking out the scene. He scanned the surroundings and starting mentally logging all the brown in the room. Brown being a neutral color and an earth tone, there was plenty of stuff to choose from. When Clemens called time, Ray wrote a list of about twenty items before the facilitator told them to stop. 

"All right. How many of you got ten items?" Everyone in the room raised their hands. "Twenty?" Fewer hands went up. "Thirty?" Only three people, including Ben raised their hands. "Forty?" Ben lifted his arm solo. Ray glanced over at his partner's paper and smiled when he saw the long list. Clemens asked, "So, Fraser, how many words did you write?"  
  
"Fifty-five, sir."  
  
"Impressive."  
  
"Thank you kindly."  
  
Clemens smiled and then raised a finger. "Now, without looking, I want everyone to flip to the back of your papers and write all the things in the room that are blue."  
  
Ray frowned as he tried to remember blue things in a world of brown. He only wrote down twelve words before Clemens told them to stop. "Now, how many of you wrote at least ten things?"  
  
Only half the people lifted their arms this time. "Twenty?" Ben raised his arm alone. Clemens sighed and smiled indulgently, obviously getting used to Ben's freakish and unique ways. "Okay, how many did you write this time, Fraser?"  
  
"I only wrote forty-three, sir, but that's because brown seems to be the predominant color in the lodge's design palette. There were far few objects to observe."  
  
"That's true." Clemens turned his attention back to the whole audience. "However, can someone suggest another reason for the difficulty in writing a list of blue things after being told ahead of time to only focus on the brown?"  
  
Ray groaned and shook his head, realizing the answer. Ben glanced over, concerned with Ray's odd behavior. Before Ben asked him what was wrong, Ray raised his arm to be recognized. "Yes, Ray?"  
  
"We were told to focus only on the brown and so we only saw what we were looking for. It's a rookie mistake."  
  
"A rookie mistake? How so?"  
  
"Well, it's like you go to a crime scene already thinking what you should look for. You do that, you miss the other clues that might be there. You focus too hard, get a little tunnel vision, you don't see the whole picture. Like I said, a rookie mistake."  
  
"So you're saying veteran cops don't do that, don't focus too hard?"  
  
"I'm not saying that we don't, just that we shouldn't."  
  
Clemens nodded with approval. "That's a very astute observation and actually the point of the exercise. If one only looks for the brown stuff, a metaphor for other brown stuff in the world, then that's what one sees, nothing but brown stuff. One misses the blues, the greens, all the other things the world has to offer. Ray has just used a more job-specific example. Very good, Ray." Clemens paused and then turned to Ben. "So, why do you suppose Fraser here didn't fall into the same trap the rest of you did?"  
  
Ray grinned and slapped Ben on the shoulder. "Because he sees and hears everything."

On cue, Ben pinked up. "That's not necessarily so, Ray. I, too, can be duped or distracted on occasion."  
  
"Yeah, right."  
  
Clemens chimed in. "I have to agree with Ray here. I've done this workshop many times and you're the only one so far who didn't fall for the focus ploy."  
  
The praise straightened Ben's posture and made him redder than ever. "Thank you, sir."  
  
"Don't mention it." Clemens turned back to the group. "Are there any reactions to what we just did? How did you feel when you realized the twist of the exercise?"  
  
Wendy spoke up first and she didn't look happy. "It was a trick, a way to make us feel stupid."  
  
Clemens lost his smile. "Not at all. It's merely a way to illustrate the point that it's easy to lose sight of the whole picture if you focus on just one thing. As a police officer, it's important that things are put into perspective. If that perspective is skewed or narrowed in some way, that can diminish your ability to do the job you're so well-trained to do."  
  
Ray had to admit that for the first time since they got there, the guy made some sense. He got what he was saying, and figured that maybe all the other stuff they'd sat through was just the warm up. Maybe now they would talk about something useful. His hopes got dashed when he heard the next question.

"Okay, what we're going to do now is talk about what if. For example, what if you couldn't be a police officer? What would you do with your life?"  
  
Ray shook his head and spoke without thinking. "What's that got to do with anything? How can talking about what we'd do instead of being a cop help us be better cops?" 

"I think it helps us be better people, and therefore better officers, to think about options. Anyone of us here knows that a split second can end a career. A bullet, a crash, any number of things could keep you off the streets. Also, talking about alternatives can also help us value even more what we have at this moment and reduce personal stress in the long run."  
  
Ray thought the whole thing was bullshit. He didn't want to think about not wearing the badge, about walking off the job, or worse, being lame and not walking anywhere. Deskwork wouldn't cut it, so he'd have to quit. It wasn't something he really wanted to think about.  
  
Clemens threw another wrench into the works. "I'd like everyone to get into small groups of four and chat about it, talk to each other about the question. After that, I've got one more what if that I'll give you a bit later."

Wendy and her partner Jim sat closest and Clemens directed them to team up with Ben and Ray. Moving their chairs around one of the round tables, the four just sat there staring. After a long, very awkward pause, Wendy broke the ice. "I guess I should go first."  
  
Jim complained. "This is bullshit. What's the damn point of this kind of stuff?"  
  
Ray hated agreeing with Jim of all people. He leaned in, hands fisted on the table. "Yeah, well, I guess if we have to do it, might as well get to it." He motioned to Wendy. "You start."  
  
Awkwardly, Wendy took a deep breath. "I love being a cop. I've never wanted to be anything else."  
  
Ben asked, "Never?"  
  
"Never. Even when I was a little girl, I always played cops and robbers. My dad was a cop, so was my granddad and my two uncles. I was an only kid, but my dad didn't want me to join the force when I got old enough. He said it was too hard for a woman. In some ways he's right. It is tougher." She held up a hand before Jim interrupted. "Shut up, Jim. You know what I'm saying's the truth. Sure, it's better now, but it's not a bed of roses. We still get the short end of the stick sometimes. You know that."  
  
Grumpy Jim crossed his arms and grudgingly nodded. "Yeah, well, that's true."  
  
Ben's voice softened. "I, too, have seen that phenomenon. Gender discrimination also occurs in the RMCP. We have rules against it, but it's difficult to change years of reinforced behavior."

Ray threw in his two cents. "Yeah, the old boy's club thing. I've seen it, too. It's better though."  
  
Wendy nodded. "Yeah, some. Anyway, getting back to the original question, what if I couldnt be a cop? Personally, I'd probably be a social worker."  
  
Jim turned in his seat and stared at his partner, obviously surprised by the choice. "Social worker? How come?"  
  
"You've seen what I've seen, Jim, battered kids and women. I figure if I can't arrest the sons of bitches who do that shit, the least I can do is help the victims find shelter and jobs. If I couldn't be a social worker, then I'd be a lawyer, anything that would help the people who can't help themselves. I guess that's why I became a cop in the first place, not just because of my dad, but because it helps people."  
  
Jim reached over and took her hand briefly, squeezing it and then letting go. "You act like a tough broad, but you've got a good heart."  
  
Wendy snorted and smiled as she smacked him in the shoulder. "Same to you, Jim."  
  
Jim shook his head, his eyes focused entirely on Wendy. Ray knew without a doubt, Jim still had it bad for his partner. He wasn't even trying to hide it. Jim snorted, suddenly making a fist that he banged once on the table. "Yeah, well, if I couldn't be a cop, I'd be a bounty hunter. Hunt the fuckers down and make bigger bucks than what I'm making now."  
  
Jim turned his attention not to Ray, but to Ben. "How about you, Fraser? Would you go back to Canada or what?"  
  
Ben looked first at Ray and then back at the others. "At the moment, that's not an option. Like Wendy here, I've never considered being anything but a law enforcement officer. My father, too, was a Mountie."  
  
"Super Mountie."  
  
Ben smiled at Ray's interruption. "Perhaps super Mountie is a bit of exaggeration, Ray, but he was rather formidable. At any rate, the idea of not serving just wasn't something I ever considered from a very young age. I'd find it difficult to even contemplate doing something different now."

Ray leaned in a little closer, suddenly more interested, wanting to know what Ben really would do in such a situation. "But if you had to, what would you do?"  
  
"I supposed if I were forced to consider my options, I'd do something to protect the environment."  
  
Ray tilted his head as he studied his partner. This was new, something he'd not really heard Ben talk much about even though he knew that Ben had a passion for the wild lands of Canada. "You mean, like work for the government to keep the water clean and stuff?"  
  
"No, more likely work with watch guard organizations that monitor the government and industries so that the environment won't be so negatively impacted by their often short-sighted and political decisions."  
  
Ray could see that, Ben fighting the environmental bad asses who didnt care if they fucked up the world to get the big bucks. Yeah, that suited his partner. "That sounds like a good plan. I'm surprised you havent done it by now."  
  
"I do what I can while serving at the same time, Ray. My first priority is to serve justice."  
  
Jim barked a short laugh. "You really believe in justice?"  
  
Ben turned his gaze to Jim. "Don't you?"  
  
"I've humped this job too long to believe in that shit. The law and justice don't seem to have much in common anymore."  
  
"Such a cynical attitude seems contrary to the purpose of being a police officer."  
  
Jim shook his head and looked at Ray. "Does he talk like that all the time?"  
  
"Pretty much, but I'm with him on this one. I used to think justice was just a pipedream, too. Working with Fraser's made a difference. I guess all that dreamer stuff rubs off."  
  
Ben cocked his head and asked, "Dreamer stuff, Ray?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, the high ideals, doing the job so people can sleep safe in their houses stuff. You know what I'm saying."  
  
"I think so, yes, but I dont see it so much as a dream as a reality."  
  
Jim snorted. "In your world, maybe, not mine."  
  
Wendy interrupted. "Look, we can talk philosophy later, guys. We still haven't heard what Ray would do."  
  
"I was hoping you'd skip me."  
  
"No such luck, buddy." Wendy smiled as she leaned in closer to the table. "If we have to spill our guts, so do you. What would you do if you couldn't be a cop?"  
  
Ray scrubbed his face a couple of times before he finally answered. "I always wanted to be a dancer." He held up a hand before Jim could give him any more shit or call him a sissy. "Look, I know you think it's stupid, but I'm good at it. I thought about it growing up, but it just wasn't practical. My dad wanted me to go to school and do something with my life, something professional, something for money. My wife," Ray stumbled and then looked over at Ben before he corrected himself. "My ex-wife, that is, she's a state's attorney. She wanted me to think about being a lawyer, too, but I'm not good at book stuff. Plus, I didn't have the stomach for it, for all the shit you have to pull. So, I quit and became a cop." Ray didn't talk about his father's reaction, how he'd told him about the stink being a cop would leave all over him. Instead, he swallowed hard and continued. "There were other reasons I chose being a cop, but dancing just sort of went out the window. Now, I'm too old."  
  
Ben touched his arm briefly, his hand warm through the sweatshirt. "Ray, that's not true. You dance beautifully. You could easily be a professional dancer if you chose to be."  
  
"Thanks, but that's never going to happen, not with my back and lousy knees. So, I guess if I had to pick something practical, something I know I could do and make a go out of it if I ever had to leave the job, I'd pick being a mechanic."  
  
Jim butted in. "A mechanic, huh? You know about cars?"  
  
"Yeah, my dad taught me. I can make an engine hum, no problem. You need bodywork? I can do that, too. So, yeah, if I left cop work, I'd open a garage or something."

Arms still crossed, Jim nodded, his voice more civil and less challenging. "Hey, you ever do that, send me your card. I'm always looking for a good grease monkey."  
  
"Sure, no problem, except I doubt I'd open a place in Peoria."  
  
"Yeah, well, it's just a thought."  
  
Before anyone could say anything else, Clemens interrupted. "We're going to take a quick break, fifteen minutes. When we get back, we'll do the other what ifof the morning."  
  
Ray called out. "Give us a preview. Let us think about it before we come back."

Clemens hesitated, but then relented. "Okay. The question will be, what if you could change just one thing about your life, what would it be and why?"  
  
Jim mumbled under his breath. "Jesus, don't make it too easy or nothing. Shit."

Ray agreed. It was a hard question, one he didn't like any better than the last one.

* * *

Instead of taking a break with coffee and tea, Ben and Ray headed to their room for a few minutes. Ben went to the bathroom and Ray dropped back across the bed, his feet still on the floor. Doing all that thinking and talking about stuff wore him out. Give him a crime and some scumbags to bust any old day. 

When Ben walked back in, he sat on the bed beside Ray, his face more serious than it should be. Ray ran a hand up along Ben's back. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I'm just tired. I find all this discussion unsettling."  
  
"You, too, huh?"  
  
Ben stretched out on his side, his feet dangling off the edge bed, his hand resting on Ray's belly. "I believe I'm beginning to understand your resistance to this kind of training. It seems rather intrusive, a bit more personal than I expected it to be. I fail to see how it actually relates to professional development."  
  
"Told you so."  
  
Ben smiled and smacked Ray's chest playfully before he sat up. "That kind of superior attitude is really beneath you, Ray."  
  
"Feels good though." Ray grinned and forced himself to get up, too. "You think if we ducked out and played hooky, anyone would notice?"  
  
"Unfortunately, we're duty-bound to continue our attendance. And, yes, Ray, I think they would notice."

"Only because you're such a standout."

"I think your absence would be noticed as well, especially by your friend Wendy."  
  
"I'm sure Jim can take up the slack. He's got an attitude almost as bad as I've got."  
  
"Worse."  
  
"You think so?"  
  
"Yes, I do. I find his overall attitude rather unpleasant."

"You think I'm unpleasant?"  
  
Ben's face brightened and he answered with a kiss. Ray didn't want to start anything he didn't have time to finish, so he cut Ben short before they both got too worked up. "Look, as soon as they call lunch, I'm grabbing a sandwich and heading back here. You with me? You up for a quickie, a little hanky-panky?"

"I only regret that we have to wait until lunch." Ben gripped the back of Ray's neck, not letting him pull away too far. He kissed him again, his tongue taking its time, sweet and hot and just the Ray loved to tongue wrestle. Ben finally ended the kiss, but as he pulled back, he whispered, "I love you."  
  
Ray never got tired of hearing those words, words Stella rarely said. "I love you, too."  
  
They got up and headed out to the session, Ray locking the door. As Ben lagged behind, Ray stopped and complained. "Come on. We have to get this over with."  
  
"I understand that. I just don't feel overly inclined to rush back."  
  
"Me, either, but the sooner we're there, the sooner we can finish this stuff and get back to the room." Ray motioned to hurry again. "Pitter patter, let's get at her."

Ben reluctantly agreed. He squared his shoulders and kept pace with Ray as they returned to the session. Once again they were paired off with Jim and Wendy. From the looks of things, the two cops from Peoria were pissed off about something. Being a cop, Ray was dying to ask, but he kept his mouth shut when it came to prying into what he figured was a private affair thing. Instead, he said, "Hey, Wendy, why don't you start?"  
  
She snapped back. "Why don't you fuck off?"  
  
Ray sat back, surprised at the venom. "Oookay."

Jim leaned in, his face redder than before the break. Ray got a good whiff of whiskey and figured Jim had paid the bar a visit or had a bottle stashed away somewhere. "Don't mind her. She's just pissed at me."

Wendy didn't let that pass. "Damn right I'm pissed at you, but that's got nothing to do with it. Ray's not in charge and I don't feel like going first this time."  
  
Ray made a T with his hands. "Time out, folks. We can leave, go to another table, if you two want to be alone."  
  
"Fuck that." Jim ran a hand through his dark hair. "Look, I'll start. If I could change one thing about my life, I'd make it work out between Wendy and me."  
  
"Shut up, Jim." Wendy crossed her arms, her mouth tight and her eyes full of fire. "We're done with that and these two don't need to hear our dirty laundry."  
  
"Why?" Jim motioned toward Ray, his voice louder and more harsh. "You think this guy's better than me? You think fucking him will make you forget that I offered to move to a different shift so we could stay together. What's he got that I haven't got besides the hair and the good looks?"  
  
Everyone in the room went dead quiet. Mortified, Wendy stood up and left. Jim didn't hesitate, but got up and followed. Arms crossed tightly, Ben leaned over. "I don't think that went well, Ray."  
  
"No shit."  
  
Clemens stepped over to the table. "Emotions run high during these sessions sometimes. We'll just let those two sort things out and cool off. Meanwhile, why don't you two either discuss the question on your own or join another group?" 

Ray glanced over at Ben and answered for both of them. "We're fine on our own. Not a problem."  
  
As Clemens walked off, Ray shook his head. "I hate that."  
  
"Hate what?"  
  
"Arguing in public."  
  
"Such public displays are rather disconcerting."  
  
"They suck. It's bad enough to fight in private, but when everybody hears all that shit, well, it's just fucked up."  
  
Ben's voice got softer. "I hated when we fought before, Ray."  
  
"I know. Me, too." Ray met Ben's eyes and smiled, glad they were on the same page about that fighting stuff. "So, I guess we're stuck with doing this on our own. Want to start?"

"Actually, I was hoping you'd go first, Ray."  
  
"Okay, sure, I can do that except I've got such a long list, it's hard to pick just one."  
  
"You'd really change a lot of your life?"  
  
"Sure, wouldn't you?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
Intrigued, Ray turned in his chair facing Ben. "Okay, what would you change then?"  
  
"Actually, I wouldn't want to change anything."  
  
"Nothing?"  
  
"Don't confuse that with not having any regrets. I have many regrets, but that doesnt mean I'd want to change my life. Theoretically, if you change even one thing, the end result might differ." Ben paused, his eyes aimed directly at Ray as he flicked his lower lip with his tongue. "I would never want to risk that."  
  
Ray smiled, getting the point. He nodded as he rocked a little in his chair, wishing like hell this session would end soon. "I get that. Me, too. But, what if you could change something and you'd still end up where you are? What if you could end up here, but not go through all the grief it took to get here? What would you change then?"  
  
Ben tugged at his ear as he reconsidered the question. Ray thought he might not answer until he finally spoke softly. "I'd want my mother to have lived. I wish I'd actually known her instead of just having a vague memory of her."  
  
Ray's throat went dry and his eyes stung. Just the way Ben said it like that, so sad and heartfelt made his gut hurt. "Yeah, you were just a kid when she died, huh?"  
  
"I was six. It was probably the most profound thing that's ever happened to me. My life changed so drastically when she died, that it's hard to imagine how my life would've been had I not been raised by my grandparents."  
  
"What about your dad? I mean, I know you said he wasn't around much, but is that what happened? You mum died and then he just dropped you off with your grandparents and took off?"

"Succinctly put, but accurate." Ben sighed deeply, his eyes staring off into space, seeing things in his past Ray couldn't fathom. As much as he and his parents fought, Ray always knew they'd be there for him when he was growing up. Ben never had that, not with his mum and dad anyway. From what Ray gathered, the grandparents were pretty conservative, so that explained a hell of a lot about his partner. "My father did come by for occasional visits, but they were never frequent or extended."  
  
"That was big of him."  
  
"He had his duty."  
  
"Don't make excuses for the guy. Mountie or not, he had a kid and he fucked it up. Family comes first."  
  
"Not for him."  
  
"Then he's messed up."  
  
"He's dead, Ray."  
  
Shaking his head, Ray touched Ben's shoulder. "Doesnt let him off the hook. He should've been there, no excuses."  
  
Ben swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes brighter than before. Ray squeezed his shoulder and then released it. "So, is that the only thing you'd change, having your mum around?"  
  
Ben shrugged, struggling to keep his emotions in check as his throat choked the words just a little. "In hindsight, I'd probably have handled Victoria Metcalfe differently."  
  
"Yeah, which might have kept you from getting shot in the back."  
  
"I deserved whatever I got, Ray."  
  
Stunned, Ray sat back as if slapped. "What?"  
  
"I said"

"I heard what you said. I just couldn't believe you said it. You didn't deserve that. Why would you even say shit like that?"  
  
"Because I betrayed a friend, ignored every principle I live by, all in order to be with a woman, someone whom I knew was a thief and quite possibly a murderer."  
  
"But you loved her, right?"  
  
Ben made that stubborn face he sometimes got when he took a stand opposed to whatever Ray said. "Does that make a difference? Love isn't a defense for breaking the law."  
  
"Maybe not legally, but it's understandable. It doesn't get you a bull's eye on your back just because you had shitty judgment in the romance department. We all make mistakes and fall for the wrong person sometimes. Doesnt make you a bad person. If you're lucky, it makes you a better person."

Ben sat a little straighter, nodding, smiling again. "That's quite profound, Ray. I never really thought about it like that."  
  
"Every now and then I come up with something good."  
  
"You do, indeed." Ben paused before he asked, "So, what would you change if you could do it with no adverse effect on the outcome of your life?"  
  
"It's hard to pick one. I couldn't pick Stella, because even though she's a pain now, I did love her. The good times outweighed the bad, you know?"  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"So, I guess if I had to just pick one thing, I'd probably change the whole Beth Botrelle disaster."  
  
Ben's face got serious again. "Beth Botrelle doesn't blame you, Ray."  
  
"I blame me. I was stupid and young and I fucked it up."  
  
"You made some procedural errors, yes, but nothing that couldn't be corrected if you hadn't been manipulated and betrayed by Inspector Franklin. He's responsible, not you."  
  
"I got a promotion off that case, Ben. I went on with my life, got to be a detective, and this woman went to prison for killing her husband because I was too gullible and trusting to follow up. She was a victim, too, and she deserved better."  
  
"You can't shoulder the blame for that all on your own. It's self-indulgent and serves no real purpose."  
  
Ray's shoulder's sagged and he took a long breath. "Yeah, well, it's done. What ifs don't count in real life. You don't get a do-over no matter how bad you fuck up. Whatever happens, happens. You've just got to live with it and move on."  
  
"Frankly, that's probably a good thing."  
  
"Why's that?"

"Can you imagine the chaos created if everyone could literally change history? The mind boggles."  
  
Rubbing his forehead, Ray nodded. "Maybe that's why I've got a headache."  
  
"It's probably all that sugar you had at breakfast."  
  
"Dont start."  
  
"Start what?"  
  
"With the anti-sugar campaign. A skinny guy like me, I need my sugar." Ray patted his belly, which actually growled on command.  
  
Ben laughed out loud at the sound effects. "Then perhaps we should forego the trip back to the room this time and actually eat a full lunch."  
  
Ray pursed his lips, leaned in and whispered so no one else could hear. "Not everything sweet is on a plate. You and me in the room, that's a done deal. Got it?"  
  
Cheeks and ears turned red, but Ben nodded with an expectant grin. "Got it."

* * *

Sleepy, Ray lay in Ben's arms, snuggled in close and not the least bit inclined to go anywhere soon. Ben floored him with how fast he went, zero to liftoff in a matter of seconds. With Stella every time together had to have a big build up. Ben, on the other hand, truly appreciated the value of a quick payoff when there wasn't much time to spare for the foreplay. He was good at it, too, damn good. Ray had no complaints

Idly, Ray played with Ben's hair. He loved the way it moved through his fingers, thick and silky at the same time, almost like fur. Ben nuzzled his neck. "Ray, Ray, Ray"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"We have to get up and get dressed."  
  
"Who says? What law says we can't skip this afternoon and take a snow day?"  
  
Resting his head on Ray's chest, Ben sighed deeply. "I fully understand your reluctance to return. Still, we've made a commitment and, after all, the program is paying for our stay here in exchange for our participation."

Ray complained. "Yeah, I know, but nobody told me we'd be stuck doing what ifs and dealing with cops from Peoria having a lover's spat."

"Regardless, we've got ten minutes to get ourselves sorted and back to a presentable state before the afternoon session begins. I believe Mr. Clemens said something about role-playing."  
  
Groaning, Ray squeezed his eyes shut. He had even less motivation to go when he thought about that, acting in front of a group, doing the whole pretending thing. He'd done it a few times before and never liked it, always felt dumb afterwards. "You ever done the role-playing thing before?"  
  
Ben sat up, still naked, and put his legs over the side of the bed. He ran a hand through his mussed hair and then did a quick snap of his neck, the crack loud in the room. "I'm not unfamiliar with the concept and theories of role-playing. However, I've never actually done exercises or participated in a workshop like this one. I would imagine it'd be no different than going undercover as a woman in an all girl's school or any other assignment where one has to draw on one's creative skills in order to be successful in completing a task."  
  
"Think again."  
  
Ben turned his head and stared at Ray. "You're saying it's not?"  
  
"Not a bit. I mean, I've had to do it before when I was in the academy and again when I took some special training before doing undercover. It didn't really help me much when I had to go under as a drug addict or some hired muscle like I was in the Lady Shoes case. They call it playing for a reason. It's stupid."

Frowning, Ben shook his head. "I don't understand."  
  
"It's just a mind game, something to mess with your head."

"I see." Ben didn't lose the glum expression. "Regardless, I think we should get dressed."  
  
"No time for a shower, huh?"  
  
"Not this time, no."  
  
Ray rubbed his hand up Ben's naked back lovingly, thinking of how Ben sucked him off earlier, making sure that not a drop got spilled. "Thanks."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For your no mess approach to the afternoon quickie."  
  
Ben grinned, his face only slightly redder. "It was my pleasure I assure you."  
  
"Mine, too." Ray threw back the covers and grabbed up his briefs and then his jeans. While he dressed, he watched Ben do the same, the marks of their lovemaking vivid on such pale skin. Grinning, Ray looked down at his own chest, noting the bruises and bites. He enjoyed how his skin tingled with residual heat from all the kissing and licking. Just thinking about it made his dick happy and trying to make a comeback.  
  
Ben glanced over and smiled as he shook his head in amusement. He finished buttoning his flannel shirt as he teased. "Ray, we really dont have time for that."

"I know. I know. Can't blame a guy for getting turned on watching you, though. You've got an ass like nobody's business." Ray motioned to the beginning of his own erection and grinned. "It's one of those whatayacallit things, you know, where you see something you like or you're used to and you react without thinking about it?"  
  
"A conditioned response?"  
  
"Yeah, that, a conditioned response. I see your face or your ass or any part of that good looking body and I know you're mine, but then my dick gets a mind of its own and wants to do something about it right that minute." Ray zipped up, again grateful for loose-fitting jeans. He willed his greedy cock to behave. "I don't think I've messed around this much since, well, you know."

"Since you left Stella?"

"Yeah, so I guess it's just making up for lost time."  
  
Ben stepped closer and pulled Ray into a hug, kissing him sweetly, slow and easy, with plenty of lazy tongue. Ray moaned into his mouth and pulled away. "You're not making things easier, kissing me like that. Jeez." 

"It's not my intention to make the situation easier, Ray. I'm simply reinforcing the conditioning."  
  
Ray got it and smiled, going in for another kiss, making sure that he got to return the favor. After a minute, Ben broke it off, his breathing a little ragged. "I suggest we go to the session, Ray, before neither of us has the capacity to move."  
  
"Yeah, it's hard to walk with a hard on."  
  
Ben nodded, reaching over to pick up the last item of clothing still left on the bed. He pitched it to Ray. "Thank goodness for long sweaters."  
  
Ray didn't argue, but put it on. He checked his pockets for his wallet and keys. "Okay, let's get this show on the road."  
  
Walking out together, Ben ran a quick comb through his hair. Ray had to laugh at the stubborn cowlick in the back. He reached over and slicked it down himself, petting it a few times to get it to stay put.  
  
"Thank you kindly, Ray. My unruly hair gets the best of me sometimes."  
  
"Naw, I get the best of you."  
  
Ben stopped, his eyes flashing with excitement. "Ray, I think we have to calm down. We're going to a meeting full of trained observers."  
  
"I'll calm down if you will."  
  
"I promise to be the epitome of propriety, Ray, well, until we're in private."  
  
"Then all bets are off, right?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Done."  
  
"Good. I plan to hold you to your agreement to be on your most appropriate and discreet behavior." 

As they walked again, Ray cocked an eyebrow as he grinned. "Or what?"  
  
"Or there will be consequences."  
  
"Consequences? Like what? You going to punish me for being a bad boy or something?"  
  
Ben stopped short and turned, his words soft, but forceful enough that Ray knew he meant it. "Perhaps. Or perhaps I'll use an alternative method by using rewards for proper behavior."  
  
Ray gulped, his eyes wide and his cock still raging at his zipper. "You serious?"  
  
"Absolutely."

Ben turned and headed to the conference room while Ray stood stock still, unable to move a muscle, his mind reeling with all the sexy possibilities. Rewards and Ben in the same sentence made his head swim. Ben called his name over his shoulder. "Ray, we'll be late."

Shaking himself all over as if waking from a really great dream, Ray grinned wide and then stepped on it. The session couldnt get over fast enough to suit Ray.

* * *

"What we're doing this afternoon is role-playing. As police officers, you're all aware of the importance of being able to think on your feet, to respond quickly when different, often extremely emotional, situations arise. You're also aware that there are different pressures that occur within your partnerships which need to be addressed in order for you to effectively do your jobs. What I'd like for each of us to do is to work with your partners and act out some of these different scenarios. This will give you a chance to improve your improvisational skills. After each role-play, we'll evaluate the performance and our reactions to it." Clemens looked all around and then added, "Let me assure you, that there's no right or wrong here. It's just a way to perhaps walk in another person's shoes, to develop some empathy for what others go through. Plus, if we're lucky, we'll get to explore different ways to handle the same situation. Any questions?"

Nobody raised a hand or asked anything, so Clemens nodded in approval as he picked up a box off the table. "All right then. I've got different scenarios in here. I'll ask one person from each partnership to come down and draw one out. We'll take about five minutes to discuss it before we start presenting them to the group. Who wants to go first?" When no one volunteered, Clemens looked over at Ben. "How about you, Fraser? Come pick one and then we'll go from there."  
  
Ben got up, went to the front, and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. As he returned to his seat, others did the same thing until all the partnerships had their roles. Ben unfolded his paper, frowned, and then cleared his throat. "Oh, dear."

Ray reached over and took it out of his hand before he read it. "Shit."  
  
"Language. Ray."  
  
"Language my ass." Ray shook his head, worry wrinkling his forehead. "This sucks."  
  
"I agree."  
  
Ray swallowed hard and looked at Ben, his lover's face tight and unhappy. "You going to be okay with this?"  
  
"It doesn't appear that we have much choice."  
  
"We always have a choice. I can ask Mr. Dan there if we can get something else and if not, we'll just play it off."  
  
"Play it off?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, pretend it doesn't bother us that we've got something so close to home."  
  
Ben rubbed his forehead with his right hand and then shut his eyes. "No, Ray, that's all right. We can do this. After all, it's not like we don't have personal experience on which to draw."

"That's not the fucking point."

"I think it is the point."  
  
Ray carefully read the paper again. **One of you thinks your partner is bossy and wants to make all the decisions, that he/she doesnt listen or trust your judgment. How do you resolve the issue without getting a new partner?**

After he finished convincing himself that it really said what he thought it said, Ray glanced over at Ben. "Hey, you think we should mention the boat?"  
  
"Ship, and, no, I don't think so."  
  
"You want to be the bossy one or be me?"  
  
Ben cracked a smile. "You really think I should pretend to be you rather than, as you say, be the **bossy one**?" 

"Nah, might strain your brain. Besides, I doubt if you could pull it off."  
  
"Is that a challenge?"  
  
"You mean like a dare? You really want me to dare you to be me and let me be you?"  
  
Ben licked his lower lip, his eyes sparkling. "I think a better question might be, could you emulate me as well as I could represent you?"

Ray shook his head, all revved up, a huge grin on his face. He could get into this, play off of whatever Ben came up with. "Okay, okay, Mr. Smarty pants, you're on. What are we betting?"  
  
"Betting?"  
  
"Yeah, if we're going to do this, see who's got the other guy's number, it's got to be worth something."  
  
"You know I don't wager."  
  
"Do, too."  
  
"Ray"  
  
"You still owe me a whole ton of air from the last bet. Don't think you're off the hook for that. You're only half paid up."  
  
Ben studied him briefly and then nodded. "What about double or nothing?"  
  
"Double or nothing of what, air?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
"That's stupid."  
  
"That's the deal."  
  
Ray held up a hand, figuring that was the best he could do at the moment. "Okay, okay, but if I win, I want to start collecting as soon as we get back to the room."  
  
Ben's eyes twinkled, understanding fully how Ray intended to collect his winnings in kisses. "Done."  
  
"Good. Okay, so how do we do this?"  
  
"Well, we could model it after an actual case."  
  
"I'm not jumping off the roof again, no way." Ray frowned and shook his head, remembering the punch that came after they'd climbed out of the water. "I don't want to think about that part."  
  
"Very well. We could do what came after, the actual homicide investigation."  
  
"That takes us to the boat."  
  
"Ship, and I see your point."  
  
"What about the time you went after Warfield on your own and got your ass kicked?"  
  
Ben tugged at his ear. "Well, if we do that scenario, Ray, you'd be the one getting your ass kicked as it were."  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
Ben suggested an alternative. "We could use the Orsini case instead."  
  
"Ouch. No can do. Don't want to deal with _The Stella_ part of that whole business."  
  
"Understood."  
  
Ray scratched his head and took a deep breath. Might as well go with the truth, the story where it all came to a head. "Okay, let's go with the Harry Allen."  
  
"Henry Allen."  
  
"It was pretty hairy to me."

"True enough." Ben paused, his face lined with worry. "Are you sure about this?"  
  
"Not really. Tell you what, why don't we just wing it?" 

"Wing it?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, play it by ear, do it off the cuff, off the top of our heads. We'll do a made up case about what it was like before when we were stale and not working like a team."

"Made up case?"  
  
"Yeah, like just make one up."  
  
"As in pretend there's a case?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Ben didn't look all that convinced, but he gave in. "I suppose we could do that."

"Good."

"What kind of case should it be, Ray?"  
  
"I don't know, robbery, murder, spy rings. Pick one."  
  
"Let's go with the robbery. Should it be a personal robbery or a bank, perhaps?"  
  
"Bank's good." Ray leaned over and whispered. "Stall him. I'll be right back."  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Hey, if I'm going to be a Mountie, I need a prop."  
  
"Prop?"  
  
"Your hat."  
  
Ben nearly choked with laughter as Ray hurried out to go fetch the Stetson.

* * *

Later, after the end of the session, Ray made it back to the room, more than a little pleased with himself. He put the Stetson on the side table and then sat on the edge of the bed before falling back, his arms above his head. Ben came in and shut the door as Ray stared at him before laughing out loud.  
  
"What's so funny, Ray?"  
  
"You, me, this whole business. You look hot, by the way. Love the hair."  
  
Ben's lips thinned into a grin as he first got the fire going before switching off the overhead lights. He stepped to the bed, but didn't bother to smooth down the messy hairstyle he'd tried to make to imitate Ray's. "You don't think it looked silly?"  
  
Reaching out a hand, Ray shook his head. "Not a bit. You look great. Come here."  
  
Ben took his hand and sat down on the bed before stretching out beside Ray. Turning on his side, Ray lay face-to-face and leaned in for a quick kiss. When he pulled back, he complained. "You had me nailed, Ben, right on the money, even down to the voice. I mean, it was your voice, but it sounded all scratchy like me, sort of."  
  
Ben teased his thumb along Ray's lower lip. "You did an excellent imitation as well, Ray. You could easily pass for Canadian should you ever take a notion to do so."  
  
"Thanks. I think we were a hit, too."

"So it would seem since we actually got a standing ovation when we finished."  
  
"Too bad we didn't get it on tape. Might be something to look back on, you know, to show us how stupid we used to be before we saw the light."

"Saw the light?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, realized that logic and instinct are both fine and dandy on their own, but they work better as a team."  
  
"Indeed."

Ray took a deep breath, soaking in the delicious sensation of Ben's light touches to his face, determined not to give in to his desire just yet. "You know, I didn't realized I bitched so much."

"Nor was I aware that you saw me as so cold and inflexible."  
  
"I don't, or at least not like I used to."  
  
"But you still think I'm dispassionate and rigid?"  
  
Ray grabbed Ben's hand and drew it to his mouth, kissing the palm. "You're a logical guy on the job, but there's nobody in this bed who thinks you're dispassionate."  
  
Ben shifted in closer, his body lined up against Ray's, his face only a few inches away. "I'm happy to hear that, Ray, because I'm not always calm and controlled, not about you."  
  
"Same here." Ray paused, still holding Ben's hand, almost afraid to say anything else, even though he knew he had to. He cleared his throat and asked, "So, you think I'm a wild card, huh, a kooky guy who does everything on the fly?"  
  
"From the very first time we met, yes. However, your impulsive and instinctual style complements my rather more mundane, logical approach rather nicely."  
  
"You think so, huh? So, none of that stuff you said or did was a big putdown or anything?"  
  
Ben stared deeply into his eyes. "I love you, but I'll admit that in the beginning it took a period of adjustment to accept your rather unique style both on and off the job."  
  
"And now?"  
  
"Now I fully appreciate what a gift you are, what a wonderful and delightfully fulfilling part you are in my life, especially now that we've taken our partnership to higher level of intimacy."  
  
Ray shoved his hips forward, his erection making a comeback. "Higher level of intimacy. I like that." He closed his eyes and rolled on his back as Ben moved over him, licking and kissing his neck. Ray groaned and bucked. "Wait. Clothes."  
  
Already breathing heavy, Ben lifted his head, his eyes glassy and wild. "Clothes?"  
  
"I don't want to ruin these jeans. I only have one pair left for tomorrow and Sunday unless you want to do laundry between now and then."  
  
"Ah. Understood." Reluctantly, Ben rolled off and fumbled at Ray's button and zipper to get him undressed. 

Ray laughed and sat up. "Let me. It'll be faster."  
  
"Right you are, Ray." Ben shook his head enough to clear it so he could sit up and follow Ray's example. They quickly got naked and under the covers, flesh against flesh, their dicks both awake and happy to see one another. 

Ray sighed heavily, enjoying and soaking up the contact. It'd been so long since he'd actually had a steady supply of touch, of holding, of just being with someone. He really hadn't realized how much he'd missed it, that close, one-on-one contact. With Ben in his arms, he wallowed in it, never wanted it to end. 

Ben buried his face in the curve of Ray's neck and shoulder, his beard rough and prickly against the skin, rubbing a slow burn tendered by the lapping of tongue. Ray drifted in a fog of arousal, but managed to ask a simple question. "So, who won the bet?"  
  
Lifting his head, his lips already swollen, Ben whispered, "I think it's a draw, Ray. You and I both did an excellent job."  
  
"A draw, huh?"  
  
"You don't think so?"  
  
"No, that's fine. A draw's good." Ray cupped the back of Ben's head, his fingers fanning through the thick dark waves. "Just greedy for air, that's all."  
  
"Then allow me to relinquish more of your winnings." Ben lowered his mouth to Ray's, probing first with his tongue and then gently blowing in. Ray shuddered, remembering the first time Ben had done that, slid a tongue between his lips and blew in a life-saving breath of air. He ached all over from a mix of memory and need. In his mind, he recalled freezing, the icy water leaching away his strength, being light-headed and graying out only to have Ben bring him back from the edge of death. He knew without a doubt even then that Ben saved his life, kept him alive when anyone else would've left him to die in a watery grave, his worse fear ever. Since then Ben had saved him in so many ways, it didn't bear thinking about. 

Ben stopped kissing him and pulled back, his face etched with concern. "Ray?"

Swallowing hard, Ray shook his head. "Sorry. Just drifted for minute."  
  
"Drifted?" Eyebrows furrowed as Ben studied him. "Were you thinking about the Henry Allen again?"  
  
Ray closed his eyes and nodded. "Yeah. Sometimes it just kind of catches me off guard. Sorry."  
  
"Don't be. You have a morbid fear of drowning and after what happened, it's understandable."  
  
Ray opened his eyes again and met Ben's serious gaze. "It's not that. I was thinking about what I would've done if you hadn't been there."  
  
"But I was there."  
  
"I know, but"  
  
Ben put a finger to Ray's lips to shush him. "Ray, if you'll remember, you wouldn't even have been in that position if it weren't for me. So, I have to take some of the accountability for it."  
  
"Anybody else would've saved his own skin, but not you."  
  
Blue eyes got even darker as Ben took a very long breath. "I couldn't let you die, Ray. I couldn't bear to lose you." His head dropped and Ben rested his forehead against Ray's, their lips just inches apart. "I loved you even then, but I felt powerless to say so."  
  
"So you copped a kiss and passed it off as no big deal?"  
  
"I plead guilty."  
  
Ray pulled Ben closer to finish the kiss and then rolled him over, so that now Ray lay on top. Their bodies stretched out under the sheet and wool blanket, chest-to-chest, dick-to-dick. Ray studied those handsome features and wondered how the hell he got so damn lucky. "You know, you're a good looking guy, right?"  
  
"Ray"  
  
"No, I mean it, but you don't really believe me when I say that, do you?"  
  
"I realize that many people find me attractive. I can't really take credit for genetics, Ray. I had no part in it."

"You exercise and eat right, that's something."  
  
"Yes, but"

"But what? Why's it bug you so much when people give you a compliment about how good you look?"  
  
Ben rubbed his hands up and down Ray's side as he talked, his voice still husky from being turned on. "Well, I like to think that there's more to a person than one's physical appearance."  
  
"Well, yeah, but?"  
  
"But it seems that many times people only look at the surface. They react to my physical form and don't take the time to know the real me."  
  
"And you think if you were ugly as an old shoe, that would be different?"  
  
"I don't know. I've never really looked like an old shoe."  
  
Ray shook his head with a grin. "I get that. You can't really judge what it's like to be so damn good looking because you've never been anything else. Bet you were a cute kid, too."  
  
"But aren't all children naturally cute, Ray? Isn't that the nature of children to be attractive so that adults will care for them more? I read a study once that said offspring"  
  
Ray laughed and leaned in, shutting off the words with his mouth. He took his time, tasting the tea from lunch, the lingering chocolate from an earlier break. He put everything into it before he pulled back and sat up. Ben's dreamy expression gave him a whole new surge of adrenaline and desire. "We'll talk about the cute kid study later, okay? Right now, I've got other plans." He shoved his hips forward, his dick rubbing, making contact with the other erection. Ben moaned and nodded in easy agreement. 

Ray decided to take his time, straddling Ben's legs, he dipped his head to lick and nibble hard nipples. Ben once again moaned loudly, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. He squirmed and wiggled making all kinds of do-me-now noises as Ray used his mouth to tease his body, up and down the middle and further south. As Ray scooted back, he shoved the covers out of the way so he could get a better view. Ben's cock jutted out from the dark bush, leaking and inviting. 

Once again, Ray went for one of his favorite things, sucking cock. All his life, he'd been on the receiving end until Ben. He never really thought it'd be that great, but he was wrong. He loved taking that hot pulsing thing in his mouth, sucking on it, making it twitch, making the man he loved come. Ray pushed Ben's legs apart so he could kneel between them. Using one hand, he held the dick and then used the other to roll and fondle the balls gently. Ben had impressive balls, too, big and firm, rolling in his hand like a new toy. On the bed, Ben groaned loudly, chanting his name, his hips thrusting up trying to get a rhythm going. 

Ray controlled all that, made Ben lose it and beg. He never before understood the power and the pleasure that came from giving a blowjob. Stella never once mentioned how great it was to make a guy go nuts like that. Just one more thing he regretted not knowing before.  
  
His mind back on the task at hand, Ray whispered, "Slow down, Ben. Enjoy it."  
  
"Dear God, Ray, what you do to me."  
  
Ray stroked Ben's cock as he rolled his balls in his hand. Conversation stopped and Ben's breathing shifted from ragged to a full pant. Ray figured he'd teased enough and got down to business. Holding the dick steady, he licked the tip several times and then all around the base before dragging his tongue up along the bottom side. Once again Ben moaned and bucked on the bed. Ray answered by taking the dick in his mouth and then bobbing his head up and down, keeping the pressure steady with his lips and tongue. It took only a matter of about thirty seconds before Ben roared and jerked up, his whole body violently shaking several times and then settling down to a deep shudder. Ray's mouth flooded with bitter cream, but this time he was ready, catching it all, delighting in the tangy taste and slippery texture. He sucked a few more times until Ben's hand settled on the top of his head and then he lifted his face to see blue eyes staring at him with wonder.

"You like that, huh?"  
  
"Like is far too mild a word, Ray."  
  
Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Ray stretched up and over Ben. Sweat made them slide a little as he once again kissed the man he loved. Ben pulled back and licked his own lips. "That's an interesting flavor."  
  
"It's Canadian. Like it?"  
  
"Very much so, yes, but I think I might try the American brand."  
  
Ray grinned widely. "You do, huh?"  
  
"Yes, indeed. Just give me a moment to recoup. I feel a bit done in."

"Done in or blown away?"  
  
Ben's face got even redder as he laughed. He hugged Ray tightly against his chest and kissed the top of his hair, still sounding winded. "I love you so much, Ray."  
  
"Same here. Feel free to put your money where your mouth is when you're up to it. I'm all about that rewards thing."

Less than a minute later, Ray was on his back, legs in the air. Ben took the idea of returning the favor to a whole new level and Ray realized that as much as he loved sucking cock, getting his dick sucked by Ben won the grand prize of greatness.

* * *

Ray lay on his side, the pounding at the door persistent. He reached over to check out the bed beside him and found it empty. He sat up and saw the note saying Ben would be back soon. Another series of knocks got his attention, and he called out. "Who is it?"  
  
"It's me, Wendy. I need to talk."  
  
Ray cursed under his breath and threw back the covers. "Hold up. Give me a minute." The knocking stopped and Ray pulled on his clothes quickly. He went to the door, but didn't open it wide enough to let the woman in. No way did he want her there when Ben got back. When he saw her face, tear-streaked and puffy, his resolve to get rid of her as fast as he could softened. "What the fuck happened?"  
  
"May I come in? I don't want to talk about this out here."  
  
Reluctantly, Ray let her in and shut the door. He watched as she took in the scene, the single king-sized, unmade bed, the strong smell of lovemaking mixed with wood smoke. He really didn't care what she thought about him and Ben, but he didn't want her blabbing all over. Still, what was done, was done. He prompted her to talk. "So, what's going on? Something else happen between you and Jim?"  
  
"This is a great room. You've even got a fireplace."  
  
"Yeah, it's great, but you didn't come here to talk about the accommodations. What's up?"  
  
"Where's Fraser?"  
  
"Don't know. He'll be back soon, though."  
  
Wendy nodded, pushing back her hair before crossing her arms and then pacing the room. "First of all, I'm sorry for telling you to fuck off this morning. I was pissed at Jim, not you."  
  
"It's okay. I've heard worse."  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure, it's just that I like you." She stopped by the window and stared out. "I mean, I know you're not interested. You've made that clear enough, but I thought maybe if I could get with you, I'd forget about Jim." She lifted a hand to stall any comment. "It's stupid, I know. It's just that Suzanne liked Fraser and I liked you, so I thought I'd go for it, take a chance, maybe hook up on a double date."  
  
Ray cleared his throat. "Look, like I said, I'm flattered and so is Fraser, but Suzanne isn't exactly his type."  
  
Wendy laughed, but not in a good way, like the joke was on her. "Oh, I know that." She waved a hand at the bed. "It doesn't take a detective to figure out that you two are more than just partners on the job."  
  
Ray crossed his arms tightly around this chest, his hands tucked up under his armpits. "So? You got a problem with that?"  
  
"Me? No, not really. I just wish you'd been upfront from the beginning." Before Ray could defend his actions, she shook her head. "Though to be fair, you were, kind of. You said it was complicated. I should've taken the hint."  
  
"I don't know what to say."  
  
"Doesn't matter. I've got more troubles than worrying about falling for a gay cop. I've still got Jim to worry about. The guy won't leave me alone. I hate to say it, but I'm probably going to end up losing my job over this."  
  
"Losing your job? How come? Has that bozo threatened to make trouble?"  
  
"He already has. He asked me to marry him."  
  
"That bastard."  
  
Wendy laughed and met his serious gaze. "Yeah, I know. The nerve of the guy after I slept with him and told him I loved him and all. Don't know where he gets off thinking that means anything."  
  
Ray sat down on the side of the bed and motioned for her to sit in the chair. Once she settled into it, he asked, "Did you really do that, tell him you loved him?"  
  
"It was a weak moment."  
  
"Yeah, well, you can understand why he might take it the wrong way, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I can, but now he won't leave me alone."  
  
"I know the feeling."  
  
Wendy sat up straighter, suddenly defensive. "Look, I'm sorry about that. I'm not a stalker."  
  
"I wasn't talking about you."  
  
Frowning, she shook her head, confused. "I don't get it."  
  
"My ex-wife and me. Once we were divorced, I kind of went a little off the deep end."  
  
"How do you go a **little** off the deep end?"  
  
"You don't. I was trying to make it sound better than it was. I lost it."

"Lost it how?"

"I kind of kept tabs on her."  
  
"You stalked her?"  
  
"Not stalked, not really. I was worried about her."  
  
"You stalked."  
  
"Yeah, well, it's over now."  
  
"Now that you've got Fraser?"  
  
Ray nodded sheepishly. "You're the first one who knows."  
  
"No, I'm not."  
  
"You're not?"  
  
"No. Don't get mad, but I sort of heard some others in the group talking about it after the role-playing today."  
  
Fuck, that didnt sound good. "What'd they say?"  
  
"A couple of the guys said something stupid, but the others think it's fine. It's not as bad as it used to be. I mean, you still have Neanderthal cops, but most of us don't really care that much one way or the other as long as you're good cops."  
  
Relieved, Ray nodded. "Thanks. That's good to know. But what about Jim? What's he think?"

"He's just glad you're not competition anymore. Asshole."  
  
"So, what are you going to do about him?"  
  
Wendy shook her head and sighed heavily. "I don't know. I dont want to leave Peoria, but I might have to. I can't have him making scenes like he's been doing and then there's the drinking." She waved her hand over her head in a cut off motion and added, "I've had it up to here with that shit."  
  
"Couldn't you just transfer to another shift?"  
  
"It's not that easy. I'd have to tell my boss why I wanted to move and why I want another partner."  
  
"You could always marry the guy." Ray didn't really mean it, but thought he'd throw it out there for consideration.  
  
Sitting back, she shrugged. "I've thought about it."

"You have?"  
  
"I like Jim, a lot. I mean, I did sleep with him and though I came onto you like a ho in heat, I don't really sleep around that much. He's not a bad guy. I could do a lot worse."  
  
"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?"  
  
"I'm just saying, it's something I've thought about."  
  
Ray studied her serious features, the way she wasn't looking at him anymore, but was more likely thinking about the future. "So what's stopping you?"

"I don't really love him, not like that, not the way you're supposed to love somebody when you want to commit your whole life to him. I mean, when I finally do it, I want it to last, to be the one and only."  
  
"Yeah, I get that."  
  
She lifted her head, her blue eyes searching for something. "You wanted that with your wife?"  
  
"Sure. For a long time I thought I had it. I was wrong."  
  
Nodding, she seemed to understand, but then asked, "Do you have it with Fraser?"  
  
Ray grinned and nodded, the answer easy, not even a question in his mind. "Yeah, yeah, I do. Surprised the hell of me, too, but it works."  
  
"You don't have any doubts?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Not even a little?"  
  
"Not even a little. He's the one for me."  
  
Wendy sagged back in the chair. "You're lucky."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"I just don't know what I'm going to do about Jim. I'm not getting any younger. He might be the only guy who'll ever ask me. He wants a lot of the same things I do, a house, kids, a whole happily ever after thing. Plus, he's a cop, so he knows the pressures of the job."  
  
Ray knew he shouldnt say it. It was really none of his business, but she'd opened the door to his opinions when she'd walked into the room looking for advice about her love life. "Look, if you want my two cents, you'll tell him what you told me, that you love him, but not the way you need to. Sure, he'll be hurt, but not as bad as if you string him along and get his hopes up. Take it from me, marriage ain't easy even when both of you want it to work more than anything. It'll tear your heart out when it ends bad like mine did. I thought we had it all going on, but we didn't, not even close the last couple of years. Just let the guy down gently and either move to another shift or quit. Go to another city if you have to. Do yourself a favor and don't settle. When the right guy comes along, you'll know it."

"You really think so?"  
  
"Wouldn't say it if I didn't."  
  
Wendy stood up and nodded, her face finally less strained. "That's sort of what I was thinking, too. It's just good to hear someone else say it." 

Ray got up and walked her to the door. "Good luck with whatever you decide to do, okay?"  
  
"Thanks." She reached up and touched Ray's cheek, whispering, "Man, I wish you weren't already taken." Her eyes locked with his as she edged in to plant one on him.  
  
A key fiddled in the lock and the door came open quickly. Ben stood there, a bag in his hand, confused about what he saw. "Ray?"  
  
Wendy answered before Ray did. "I was just leaving. Ray was helping me figure out what to do about Jim."  
  
Taking in the whole scene, Ben looked first at Wendy and then at Ray before he nodded. "Understood."  
  
She patted Ray's face and headed out the door, pulling it shut behind her. Ben put the bag on the table and sat in the chair she just left. "So, did you have a nice visit?"  
  
"It's not what you think, Ben. She just wanted to talk."  
  
"I doubt that Wendy ever **just** wants to talk, Ray, not when it comes to you."  
  
"It wasn't like that." Ray sat on the edge of the bed, still wound up about the conversation and all the feelings it stirred up about losing Stella and the life he now had with Ben. "It's like she said, she's messed up because of this thing with her partner."  
  
"And she thought you, a virtual stranger, might help her with that problem?"  
  
"I guess she thought we were kinder spirits or something."  
  
"Kinder? You mean kindred?"  
  
"Kinder, kindred, same difference. The point is, I love you and a hundred or a thousand visits from Wendy won't change that."  
  
"I know that, Ray."  
  
"So, if you know that, why the long face?"  
  
"It's just difficult sometimes not to be wary of women who obviously mean to seduce you."  
  
"Seduce me, huh?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Ray tilted his head, wondering what the hell went on in his partner's head sometimes. "I thought we were through with this jealous routine?"  
  
"I'm not jealous. I just, well, that is to say, I wasn't prepared to see her in our room, that's all."  
  
"You were jealous, admit it."  
  
"I will not."  
  
"Better."  
  
Ben studied him a moment before he asked, "And if I don't?"  
  
"Then I won't tell you a secret."  
  
"Secret?"  
  
"Yeah, Wendy told me something. I think you might like to hear it."  
  
Tugging at his ear as he considered Ray's proposal, he reluctantly surrendered. "Very well, I was jealous, but just for a brief moment before I understood the full situation."  
  
Triumphant, Ray raised and shook his fists. "Thank you. I told you so."  
  
Ben smiled and shook his head in amusement. "Ray, I never realized how much you enjoyed that expression."  
  
"It's one of my top ten."  
  
"So, what's the secret?"  
  
Ray glanced over at the bag, his own curiosity growing. "First tell me where you went and what's in the bag?"  
  
"On the contrary, we had a deal. You first. What's the secret?" Ignoring the question, Ray sniffed and grinned. He reached for the bag only to have his hand slapped. " **Ray** , focus. Tell me."  
  
Ray rubbed the top of his hand, but smiled even wider. "I smell chocolate."  
  
"Perhaps, but you'll never know for sure unless you fulfill your part of the bargain."  
  
Staring at Ben, he couldnt keep a straight face. "You bought me chocolate. Cool."  
  
" **Ray** "

"All right, all right, hold your horses." Ray got himself more comfortable on the bed, stalling a little bit so he could figure out exactly how to say it. "Wendy told me that she knows about us."  
  
Ben's expression darkened. "She knows? Did you tell her?"  
  
"Didnt have to. She said she's not the only one, either. Apparently, our little show today kind of gave the game away."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Beats me, but she said that others were saying they knew we were together as more than just partners. For her, I think seeing the one bed gave it away."  
  
Ben leaned forward, anxious. "Did she say how these others she referred to reacted to this belief about our relationship?"  
  
"She said a couple acted like jerks, but the others were cool."  
  
Ben shook his head, gnawing on his lower lip as he considered the news. "I'm concerned, Ray. We really havent discussed how we're going to deal with our changed status."  
  
"Status?"  
  
"We've never discussed whether we should be open about the relationship or not."  
  
"In or out, huh?"  
  
"I believe that's the common vernacular, yes."  
  
Ray leaned back on the bed, supporting himself with his elbows. "Well, I told you before what I think. I don't care who knows."  
  
"That's fine here, perhaps, but what about when we go back to Chicago?"  
  
"Don't care about that, either."  
  
Ben frowned as he stood up and walked over to the bed to sit beside Ray. "There are so many factors to consider."  
  
Ray's stomach twisted. He didn't really want to hear about all the problems, all the complications that came with being a gay cop in a big city. He'd already thought about all that and figured he'd deal with it. He hadn't counted on worrying about whether Ben was up for it, too. He swallowed several times before he got enough spit to talk. "Look, I know it won't be easy. There are jerks like Dewey who'll give us a hard time, but I can handle it. The question is, can you?"  
  
Ben reached over and caressed his face. "I have no problem with being in this relationship openly, Ray. It's just that I worry about the fact that you're undercover. Won't what we have compromise that situation?"  
  
"Why should it?"  
  
"Ray Vecchio's not gay."  
  
"Yeah, well, now he is."  
  
"Just like that?"  
  
"Just like that, warm for your form. Go figure."  
  
Ben smiled and then shook his head in amusement. "Ray will be more than bit miffed when he returns."  
  
"Suits me." Ray dropped flat on his back and captured Ben's hand on his face. He reached up and pulled Ben down into a brief kiss. Ray grinned as he pulled back, his voice teasing. "You've been eating chocolate."  
  
Smiling, Ben nodded. "Only one piece, Ray. I hope you don't mind."  
  
"As long as there's plenty more."  
  
"Oh, there should be. I got two pounds each of milk chocolate, chocolate walnut, and chocolate pecan."  
  
Shocked, Ray did the math. "Two pounds each? Are you saying you bought six pounds of chocolate fudge?"  
  
"Not bought, exactly."  
  
"Then what exactly?"  
  
"It seems Suzanne got a certificate for free fudge when she drew her prize. I traded her my massage"  
  
"For the chocolate." Ray laughed, pleased as could be. The image of chocolate covered Mountie popped into his head. "Good thinking. Want to try it out?"  
  
"Try it out?"  
  
Ray reached over and worked Ben's zipper, his grin big and his mouth watering. Ben got the picture and turned bright red, but his embarrassment didn't keep him from helping Ray get him naked in a hurry.

* * *

The next morning Ray sat back in the chair in the conference room as they waited for Dan to arrive. He rubbed his belly, still a bit queasy from finishing off over half the fudge the night before and again this morning. "I think I overdid it."

"For which I'm entirely grateful."  
  
Ray chuckled as he remembered Ben stretched out on the bed, his legs spread wide and his dick and balls coated with chocolate. God, messy or not, it was so hot and sexy, so much like eating candy, he could still taste it. His mouth watered and figured he'd stop at the gift shop for more before they headed back to the city on Sunday. The lodge had fifteen different flavors and he was geared up and ready to try out each and every one. "Yeah, I've always had kind of a sweet tooth."  
  
"I believe, Ray, that qualifies for what's generally known as an understatement." 

Ray's grin widened, but before he managed a smart comeback, Dan walked in and started talking. "All right, people, listen up. Throughout most of this workshop, we've focused on how to reduce our stress and improve our partnerships. However, no matter how strong your partnerships might be, you dont work alone. Many times when you get a case, you've got two, three, sometimes even four pairs of people working together as a team. Individual personalities can either mesh well to get the job done or there can be conflicts which hinder and make the work miserable. I'm sure you've all had associates who rub you the wrong way. So how do you deal with that? How do you put personalities aside and be professional enough to get the job done?" Ben raised his hand and Dan nodded in his direction. "Fraser."

"Usually there's a chain of command and a division of labor. Once everyone is aware of their individual directives, they find it easier to achieve positive results."  
  
"Let me play devil's advocate for a moment. Suppose there is no designated leader to the group? Who decides what will be done?"  
  
Ray didn't wait to be recognized. "In cop work, you always know who's the boss."  
  
"But even so, out in the field there is still a team dynamic that plays out, Ray. What do you do when you have to work with someone who doesn't understand the meaning of cooperation?"  
  
Ray didn't even stop to think. "Kick him in the head?" Everyone laughed and even Ben smiled, but Ray kept his face straight as he tried to make a point. "Look, I know I'm not the only cop here who wants to do that when I'm working with a jerk."  
  
Dan's voice remained steady, even though Ray could tell he wanted to laugh, too. "But you don't kick the jerk in the head, Ray, no matter how much you might want to. Why not? Is it only because it's against the rules or is it because it doesn't help get the case solved?"  
  
Ray shrugged. "A little bit of both, I guess."  
  
"Exactly. So, what we're going to do today is practice working in small groups. I'm going to divide you up and you'll have a task to complete. How you complete it is up to you. You'll have to work out your own division of labor. Later today, when all the groups have finished, we'll discuss what behaviors aided in finishing the work and what didn't." 

"By the way, this is our last major assignment. The scavenger hunt scheduled for this afternoon has been cancelled because of the bad weather that appears to be headed this way. When everyone's finished with this exercise, we'll get together for our final wrap up session with all the other groups. Your rooms are paid up for the night. However, you're also free to leave early if you're worried about bad roads in the morning. According to the reports we might get as much as a foot by daybreak. That on top of what we've already gotten might make for some interesting drive time. Any questions?" When nobody said anything, he summed up his directions. "All right then, let's get into our groups and get started."

Ray and Ben got around the table with Wendy and Jim. Ray didn't know if Dan had it in for him or if it was just the luck of the draw, but he was tired of always working with these two. Once settled down, Dan put two numbered envelopes in the center of the table. "You can start whenever you want."

Ben nodded and reached for the envelopes only to have his arm caught by Jim. "We need to decide who's running the show first."  
  
Ray snarled. "Get your hand off. **Now** , jerkoff, before I break it."  
  
Jim released Fraser, but still argued. "Look, I'm just saying we need to set the ground rules."  
  
Like the diplomat he was, Ben suggested, "Perhaps we should read the assignment first. That might make a difference in who takes charge."  
  
Jim cocked an eyebrow, but agreed that it made sense to do it that way. "Okay, but I'll read it."  
  
Motioning for him to do so, Ben pushed the first envelope a little closer to Jim. Ray didn't like the whole set up. Wendy sat there, arms crossed, all closed off, looking like she was about ready to bust a gut or something. Jim's bloodshot eyes and the lingering stench of stale whiskey told a different story, one that said the guy had a hangover the size of Utah. Ray wouldnt want either of these people on his team when they were so distracted with other stuff. He hated getting shot and with these two at his back, he might end up with a bullet between his ears if this were the real thing and not some playtime knockoff. Thank god, he still had Ben on his team.  
  
Jim pulled out a map of the park along with a paper and read it out loud. "Dress warmly. Imagine you've received a report of illegal activity. You're going to Lonetree Canyon to investigate. Take the other envelope with you. When you arrive at the designated area, open envelope 2."

Ray glanced over at the map, not happy with X marks the spot halfway across the page away from the lodge. "Shit. That's almost a mile and a half from here and there's like a ton of snow out."  
  
Ben tried to make it sound easy as pie, no big deal. "The paths are fairly well-marked, Ray. It shouldn't be that difficult to get there."  
  
Jim complained. "But it's colder than fuck out. They expect us to go traipsing through the snow for this shit? Can they do that?"  
  
"Come on, Jim." Wendy spoke for the first time. "It's not like we've never seen snow before. It might be fun."  
  
Still not happy, Jim shrugged and gave in. "Guess we should go get our coats first. Who wants to carry the other envelope?" Jim looked over at Fraser. "You do it. I've got no problem with that."

"Thank you kindly." Ben got the envelope, but didn't get up right away. "We should probably also decide on appropriate gear. We don't know if we'll be asked to simply observe said illegal activity or engage in something more strenuous. What should we take with us?"  
  
Ray chimed in. "A rifle, but I didn't bring one of those. I could take my handgun. That's back in the room."  
  
Ben rolled his eyes. "Ray"

"What? What's wrong with bringing a rifle?"

Wendy interrupted and asked, "What about binoculars and a cell phone to call for back up?" 

"Good idea." Ben nodded in approval at her suggestion. "Since the directions aren't specific about what kind of illegal activity we might encounter, might I add that we should take a flashlight in case we stay longer than the morning session."  
  
Jim cursed. "Fuck. You think we'll be stuck out there longer than a couple of hours?"  
  
"We might be. There's no way of knowing. I would also suggest we bring blankets in case we're there for an extended period and need temporary shelter."  
  
Ray made a face and then added his own items to the list. "We need to take something to eat then. We might get stranded or something."  
  
"Ray, we'll only be a mile and a half away from the lodge in a public park. I doubt seriously we're going to starve before we get back."  
  
"But we might get hungry. Might need to take something hot to drink, too."  
  
Ben didn't dismiss the idea completely. "We don't really need food, Ray, however, if you feel the need to bring something, please do. Also, should we get thirsty, we can always eat some snow."  
  
"Eat snow?"  
  
"Yes, at home we often eat snow to fight off dehydration."  
  
"Are you forgetting we're not in the Yukon here? All that snow out there came down through US air, dirty, nasty, thick US air. I ain't eating snow unless I'm desperate."  
  
"Me, neither." Jim sided with Ray. "Besides, if we're lucky, we'll get out there, do what we have to do, and be back in less than an hour, two at the most."

Wendy stood up first. "Well, if we're going to do this, let's do it. I'll go get my coat and meet you guys at the front door. I'm sure glad I brought boots. Nobody said we'd be hiking in the snow."

Ray nodded and stood up, too. "Done. Ten minutes."  
  
As they all headed back to their rooms to get their gear, Ray shook his head. "I don't like this, Ben."  
  
"This?"  
  
"Yeah, this, this going out into the wilderness stuff, not knowing what we're going to have to do when we get there."

"A state park hardly qualifies for wilderness, Ray."

"For you, yeah, but for me, I'm feeling the beginning of a rash already." Ray didn't stop when Ben grinned as his reference to his alleged allergy to nature. Instead, he just kept complaining. "Sure, it's fine to walk around with a blindfold when there's not snow up to your ass, but this is nuts."  
  
"Actually, I'm rather looking forward to being outside for a change. Besides, there's not snow up to your ass, as you put it. There are only six inches."  
  
"Six inches too much and from the looks of things, more to come."  
  
"A foot more would be a significant amount for this area, that's true."  
  
Ray added, "Plus, I don't like doing this with Jim and Wendy, either. Those two are an accident waiting to happen."  
  
"Are you referring to the obvious sexual tension between them?"  
  
"Yeah." Ray lowered his voice to a whisper. "Did you know he asked her to marry him?"  
  
"No, but I can surmise by their behavior that she said no."  
  
"You surmise correctly." Heading down the hallway to their room, Ray asked, "So, what do you think is in the other envelope?"  
  
"I don't know. We'll find out when we get to our destination."  
  
"We could open it and see." Ben stopped in his tracks, staring at Ray with that look, that one he got when Ray surprised him, but not in a good way. Ray halted, too. "What? I'm just saying we could take a peek, that's all."  
  
"Ray, that would be cheating."  
  
"No, it wouldn't. It would be that proper preparation thing you do."  
  
Ben shook his head and then continued walking to the room. "We're not peeking, Ray."  
  
"Party pooper."  
  
"Cheater."  
  
"Spoil sport."  
  
"Cheater."  
  
Ray caught up, exasperated. "Okay, okay, have it your way. I'm a cheater. So sue me. Let's look anyway."  
  
"No."  
  
"You know you want to."  
  
Ben fought hard not to grin, but failed. Ray pointed accusingly, knowing he almost had it. "See, see, I'm right. You want to look as bad as I do."  
  
As they reached the room, Ben opened the door and stepped inside. Once they were alone, Ben took Ray into his arms and kissed him, hard, not sweet. Their teeth clicked and his lips hurt, but Ray didn't care, didn't mind a bit. When Ben pulled back, he smiled even bigger. "So, I want to look, Ray, that doesn't mean I should just give in. I can't just **give** **in** every time I want something."  
  
Ray studied him for a moment. "Are we still talking about the envelope here or something else?"  
  
"Something else." Ben kissed him again, this time a little less forcefully. When he pulled back, his face red, Ben whispered, "I find myself increasingly distracted, Ray. I want to give in to the temptation to ravish you at every turn."  
  
"And that's a bad thing?"  
  
"It is when we have a job to do."  
  
"You call playing games in the snow a job?"  
  
"For now, yes." Ben face grew more serious. "And what about when we return to Chicago? What then? What if I have an overwhelming urge to do something entirely inappropriate?"  
  
Ray ran his fingers through Ben's hair, sorry as hell they had no time to follow through with what Ben started with all the forceful kissing. "I guess it all depends."  
  
"On what?"  
  
"On what overwhelming urges I've got, too."  
  
Ben gobbled up Ray's mouth, his tongue pushing in and taking advantage until they both ran out of air. When Ben finally pulled back, he closed his eyes and moaned, his head resting on Ray's shoulder. "It's shamefully self-indulgent, I know, but I wish we could just stay here and not do this exercise."  
  
"I hear that." Ray patted Ben on the head and then lifted his face to his. He kissed him and then pushed him away. "Let's get our coats and get going before we find out what it feels like to play in the snow with a hard on."  
  
"Too late, I'm afraid."  
  
Ray was half-hard himself, but not as bad off as Ben. A terrible notion overtook Ray's reason. "Let me take care of that."  
  
"We dont have time."  
  
Ray cocked his head and noted the strain against Ben's zipper. "Oh, I don't know. From the looks of things, it shouldn't take that long."  
  
Scandalized, Ben shook his head, but he didn't walk away and head for the closet, just stood very still, his breathing faster than it should be. That gave Ray an open invitation. He grabbed Ben by his shirt and spun him around, Ben's back to the wall. Dropping to his knees, Ray quickly reached up to undo the belt and then to slide the zipper down along with the elastic to Ben's boxer briefs. Ben's dick bobbed out right away, grateful and leaking. With no time to lose, Ray went to work, licking and then sucking. Ben's hand gripped his hair, yanking hard, but not too hard, as he pumped into Ray's mouth. Release happened so fast, it took Ray by surprise. He knew Ben had a quick trigger sometimes, but this was great, having him come so fast without reservation or holding back. He loved that Ben trusted him that much. 

By the time Ben finished coming, Ray sat back on his heels as he wiped his mouth. He looked up into blue eyes that stared down, all soft and relaxed. It was a look he wanted to see on Ben's face as often as he could put it there. "Guess we should get our coats now."  
  
As he got up, Ben grabbed him and kissed him, hard like before. When he pulled back, he whispered, "Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome. You can return the favor when we get back."  
  
Ben nodded with a smile. "With pleasure."  
  
"You better believe it."

* * *

Cloudy skies mixed with all the white stuff on the ground and made it difficult to see the landmarks. Ray studied the map and then scanned the area ahead of him, all of it kind of blurry and out of focus. He regretted not bringing his glasses along, but considering how they fogged up and got all spotty in the winter, he doubted if they'd have made much difference. He handed the map over to Ben. "Here. I can't make heads or tails of this."  
  
Ben took it, but slipped it into his pocket. "We're almost there, Ray. No need for a map."  
  
Jim kept pace with both men and Wendy brought up the rear. Jim asked, "How can you not need a map? All these trails look the same to me."

"My mentor, an Aboriginal guide name Quinn, taught me to track and to read trails at an early age."  
  
"Aboriginal?"

Ray answered for Ben. "That's Canadian for Indian."  
  
"Inuit, Ray."  
  
"Whatever." Irritated and freezing his ass off, Ray rubbed his hands together. Even with gloves, his fingers always got numb when he stayed outside too long during the winter. He'd already slipped on ice a couple of times, but didn't go all the way down. Still, he'd twisted his right knee and it gave him little spikes and twinges with every uneven step just to remind him that he wasn't as young as he used to be, like he didn't already fucking know that. The snow-covered trails gave Jim and Wendy fits, too, but neither said anything about it, just kept prodding along looking about as happy as a guy who found a bunch of hair in his meat loaf. Ray moved in closer to Ben. "How much further?"  
  
Ben lifted his arm and pointed to a spot ahead of them. "Just over this hill, I believe." 

They all walked along, not saying anything else until they reached the spot. A frozen pillar formed from the canyon top to the floor below, like a waterfall captured mid-spill. Ray whistled in appreciation. "Wow. That's kind of pretty for an icefall."  
  
"It's beautiful, Ray. I would imagine it's even more lovely in spring, when it thaws and the water runs freely again."  
  
Jim butted in. "Okay, okay, enough chit chat about the beauty of nature and all that shit. Read the other envelope before I freeze my balls off."  
  
Wendy taunted. "Like you've got balls to freeze."  
  
Ray pointed a finger, pissed off that Wendy would be the one to start something. "Shut it. I don't want to hear that shit. Save it for later when I don't have to listen."  
  
Shrugging, Wendy nodded. "Sorry."  
  
Jim took the apology for himself and once again directed Ben to read their directions. Ben pulled out the envelope, opened it, and then read it. "Oh, dear."  
  
Ray snatched the paper for himself. "Oh, dear? Don't oh, dear me here, Fraser. It's too fucking cold for oh, dears." As soon as he read it, Ray shook his head in disbelief. "You know, these people are sick, wacko, off their nuts. Who comes up with this shit anyway?"  
  
Wendy and Jim huddled in closer. Jim spoke first. "What is it?"  
  
Ben explained. "Well, according to our instructions, we're supposed to simulate that one of us is wounded and must be rescued by the other three."

"Wounded how?" Wendy frowned and obviously didn't like this thing better than Ray did.

"It doesn't say, but apparently, we're supposed to randomly select the member and work together as a team to bring him or her back to the lodge as safely and as quickly as possible. I assume the objective is to evaluate the quality of our teamwork. By the way, we're not allowed to use the cell phone or other means to call for help. We can only use our own resources." Ben rubbed his eyebrow and refolded the paper. "I suggest we first select the member of the team to act as the injured party."  
  
Wendy smiled sweetly. "I volunteer. I'm the lightest."  
  
Ben shook his head, a stickler for rules to the end. "It says the selection should be random. I suggest we draw straws or toss a coin as a process of elimination."  
  
Jim lifted his hand. "Hold on. You carried the envelope and guided us here, but that doesn't make you head honcho."  
  
Tired of Jim being an idiot, Ray laid down the law. "Listen, if we were doing a drug raid or something, fine, you lead the show, but out here, Fraser's in charge. Trust me, he knows what he's doing."  
  
Wendy agreed. "Yeah, Jim. This isn't some pissing contest at a street corner bust. Just shut up and let's get this done so we can get back where it's warm. You're not the only one freezing shit off out here."  
  
Outnumbered, Jim reluctantly went along. "Okay, but I think it's stupid to waste time drawing straws and shit. Let's just make it Wendy. She'd be the easiest to carry."  
  
Ben once again shook his head, stubborn as ever. Ray knew what he was going to say before he even said it. "That would be cheating."  
  
Ray knew from experience it didn't do any good to argue, so he went to a nearby fallen branch jutting out of the snow and pulled off two skinny twigs, breaking them into three long and one short piece. He handed them to Ben. "Here, you do it. Short straw is the one who has to be rescued."

Ben took the twigs and put them behind his back to shuffle and arrange their position in his gloved hand. Then he held them out to Wendy, Jim, and Ray. All three drew at the same time, Jim and Wendy both getting a long straw, while Ray pulled out the short one. Ray cursed when he saw it and Jim did the same. "Damn it. Now we've got to carry you back a mile and a half."  
  
Ray snapped back. "At least we dont have to carry your sorry ass, all two hundred pounds of it."  
  
Jim settled down and nodded, not happy, but realizing what Ray said was true. Jim was the heaviest of the four people and Ben would've been close to that. Ray was only about thirty pounds heavier than Wendy. Ray looked over at Ben. "Now what? We do piggyback or what?"

"You're supposed to be injured, Ray, unconscious as it were. That means, you're not allowed to help in your own rescue."  
  
"Fuck."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"So, how are we going to do this?" Ray trusted Ben with his life, but right at the moment he wanted to know what indignity he'd have to endure to get through this.

Ben dropped his pack in the snow and unrolled his blanket. "I suggest we find two sturdy fallen branches. About two meters in length should be sufficient."  
  
Jim scratched his head. "Two meters? What's that in real measurements?"  
  
Ben translated. "Approximately seven feet. That allows for Ray's height and for the grips." 

Ray turned his attention back to Ben. "What do you have in mind?"  
  
"I'm thinking we can make a stretcher using the blanket and the branches. Jim and I could then carry you much more easily than trying to alternate carrying you individually."

"Individually? You mean like over your shoulder?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"Ouch, indeed, Ray. However, that wouldn't be very efficient and if you were seriously wounded, as might be indicated by your lack of consciousness, such mode of transport might even aggravate the injury and do more harm than good."

Relieved he wasn't going to be carried with his butt in the air all the way back to the lodge, Ray agreed. "Yeah, that makes sense."

As Wendy and Jim walked away to start the search for the branches, Ben cleared off a rock to serve as a seat. "Rest here while we fetch the necessary materials."  
  
"I can help."  
  
"Ray, you're injured."  
  
"That's just pretend."  
  
"Then pretend you're injured and you can't help with your own rescue."  
  
Ray crossed his arms. He hated being the one who couldn't do anything but sit and wait. "This sucks."  
  
"I agree, but it's part of the exercise, so just try to go along with it." Ben hesitated before he added, "Please, Ray. This isn't my favorite scenario, either, but let's get this over with as smoothly as possible so we can return to more interesting inside activities."

"Well, since you said please and all, I guess I'll stop bitching."  
  
"Thank you kindly. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated."  
  
"Right. Now, go fetch." Ray laughed when he said it, figuring that'd be the only chance he'd ever have to say that unless he was talking to Dief. Ben just rolled his eyes and went to join the others. Ray just figured the cold did something wonky with Ben's sense of humor, because that fetch line was pretty damn funny.

Trying to find branches that weren't still attached to a tree wasn't as easy a job as Ray first thought. The snow didn't help much. It took Jim, Wendy, and Ben close to ten minutes to find the right ones. When they did and Ben had tested them carefully for strength, he laid out the blanket and then lined the branches at both the edges. Jim asked, "How's this work?"  
  
"You roll the branches inward with the blanket, similar to how you might scroll paper, leaving just enough width for the body." Ben demonstrated and made the stretcher. "Ray's weight will keep the material taut enough that they shouldn't unroll or slip."  
  
Jim nodded, obviously impressed by the Moutie's ingenuity. "Clever."  
  
"Why thank you."  
  
Wendy stepped up and asked, "What about me? I can trade off carrying him, too, you know. I lift weights."  
  
Ben nodded in agreement. "Yes, I'm sure you're more than capable, but you'd be more helpful if you carried the other gear and walked the trail in front of us to make sure there aren't any unforeseen hazards beneath the snow."  
  
"Sort of like a scout, you mean?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Pleased with her role, Wendy went along. "I can do that."  
  
Ray got up, but Ben stepped over and pushed him back down. "Stay put, Ray."  
  
"I was just going to get on the stretcher."  
  
"You can't do that on your own."  
  
Ray studied Ben for an extra second and then shook his head in surrender. Ben never gave an inch. "Okay, okay. You going to carry me or roll me over there, smart guy?"  
  
"I believe with Jim's help, we can manage. Now, from this point on, you're in our hands, Ray. Relax."  
  
"Easy for you to say, Mr. Control Freak."  
  
Ben took the name-calling in stride and motioned for Jim to join him. Between the two of them, they got Ray on the stretcher. The cold, hard ground pushed into his back, but not for long. Ben called to Jim. "On the count of three, Jim. One. Two. Three." With a heave, both men lifted at the same time. 

Ray watched Ben's back at his feet as they headed down the path with Jim carrying his head and following Ben. Ray would've preferred seeing Ben's face all the way home, but he figured it made sense for Ben to lead. Ray held onto the edge of the stretcher with both hands, the ride already a little bumpy. Thank god, this wasn't for real, that he wasn't really injured. Still, it felt weird not to be the one up and moving, helping to do the rescue. 

Ray discovered that he really, **really** didn't like being the one stuck on the stretcher. It made him remember too much, like the time he got shot in the warehouse. Time passed as they trudged on in the cold, the air spitting icy rain mixed with snow. Ray closed his eyes tightly and shivered. Thinking back, he'd been crazy wild, going in guns blazing. Sure he saved the kid and he'd do it again in a heartbeat, but that didn't mean he didn't realize how stupid he'd been, how close he came to checking out.  
  
The movement stopped and the stretcher jerked hard to the right. He heard Jim cuss. Before he could ask what was going on, Ben gave encouragement to their teammate. "That's okay, Jim. You're doing fine. Do you need to rest?"  
  
"No, I'm okay. Just hit an icy patch."  
  
"Then let's continue." Ben started out and Jim kept up. 

Wendy called out. "We're just past Basswood Canyon. Do you two want to take the river or the bluff trail?"  
  
Ben answered first. "The bluff trail is how we came and it's shorter than the river trail."  
  
Jim gave his vote. "Bluff trail it is."

They started out again, Ray's head dipping a little lower than his feet. The freezing rain turned into snow, big flakes covering his body as they kept moving. Ben called back to Jim. "We need to stop for a moment while I check on Ray."  
  
Ray shook his head. "No we don't. Ray's fine."  
  
"Ray's supposed to be unconscious. I need to check to make sure you're warm enough."  
  
"Jesus, are you always such a stickler for this shit?" Jim complained and put down the stretcher on cue.

Ray didn't get a chance to commiserate with Jim. Instead, he worried about the block of ice shoving a hole through his back. He shivered and his teeth chattered in the cold. Ben leaned down and took his coat off to drape over Ray. "This should keep you warmer."  
  
"Are you crazy? Put your coat back on."  
  
"I'm warm enough, Ray. I'm moving and you're not. Besides, I'm used to far greater extremes in temperature than you and have a higher degree of body fat for insulation. Back home, this weather would be considered quite mild."  
  
Jim shook his head and said it before Ray could. "You're a nut, you know that?"  
  
Ben grinned good-naturedly as he stood up, coat-free and more comfortable than any of them. He dusted the snow off his jeans an then took his place back at the end of the stretcher. "On three."  
  
As they headed out again, Ray snuggled as best he could in the rich wool of Ben's winter coat, the scent of his partner lingering there, a mix of pine, leather, and sweat, a heady mix that made Ray's head swim. Despite the sharp wind and increase in snowfall, Ray stopped shaking and relaxed, the movement almost like being in a swing. Eyes closed, he decided if he couldn't do anything else, he might as well take advantage of being on his back and catch up on some lost sleep. The next thing he knew, Ben shook him and called his name. "Ray?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're here."  
  
"Already?"

Jim slapped his hands together against the cold and teased. "Already? Doesn't feel like already when I've been carrying your ass forever, up hill and down."  
  
Wendy moved beside Jim, her face red from the wind. "You must have fallen asleep."  
  
Sheepishly, Ray accepted Ben's hand to help him up. A little stiff, he couldn't believe he'd dropped off like that. "Yeah, sorry."  
  
"No need to apologize, Ray. The activity was a success. We safely transported you back with no additional injuries."  
  
Jim interrupted. "Unless you count my sore back."  
  
Ben smiled and kept his attention on Ray. "I suppose we should now stow our gear and go inside to see Dan. We should report and ask about details of the closing session."  
  
"Yeah, sure." Ray handed Ben back his coat. "Thanks."  
  
"You're more than welcome, Ray."  
  
Ben bent down and broke apart the makeshift stretcher, folding the blanket and then putting the branches next to the entrance of the lodge. "Later in the day, I'll return those to where we found them."  
  
Wendy couldn't believe her ears. "What? They're just sticks. Why bother?"  
  
Shaking his head, Ben disagreed. "One should never disturb a natural ecosystem if there's an alternative."  
  
Ray held his hand out, the flakes sticking to his gloved hand. "But it's snowing to beat the band. Let somebody else take them back or just use them for firewood."  
  
Stubbornly, Ben resisted. "We moved them, therefore, it's our responsibility to return them."  
  
"And by we you mean me, too, right? Figures. The one time I get a free ride back and now I'm taking another walk in the snow."  
  
"You're not required to come, Ray. I can return them on my own."  
  
Jim jumped in. "Look, you two work it out. Wendy and me, we're heading inside where it's warm. We're going to have a drink. You can join us later if you want."  
  
As the two left, Ray rubbed his eyes to make sure he saw what he thought he saw. Obviously, Wendy wasn't taking his advice about not stringing the guy along. "Are those two holding hands?"  
  
"It would appear so, yes."  
  
"What'd I miss?"

"Nothing but the walk, Ray. I have no idea what transpired that would make her change her mind about accepting his advances."  
  
"No, huh?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Maybe she just decided she liked a guy who could carry his own weight."  
  
"Perhaps. I've stopped trying to figure out the dynamics of romantic relationships other than my own. I find it does little good and it's very confusing."  
  
"Hell, it's more confusing when it's your own."

Ben turned to him and studied him for an extra instant. "Are you referring to us as confusing?"  
  
"Sort of."  
  
"I see."

"No, you don't. I was talking about in the beginning. I don't know about you, but I was confused as hell about what was going on between us. I couldn't figure out if I wanted to pop you one or kiss you."  
  
Ben's eyebrow went up and he finally smiled. "I'm glad you chose the latter over the former."  
  
"Yeah, me, too." Ray shivered again as a wind about blew him sideways. "I think we should head inside and talk about this later."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
Ben picked up his gear and headed inside, Ray beside him. Once there, Ray asked, "So, you want to stow this stuff away first or go see Dan?"  
  
"I suggest we see Dan first and report that we're back."  
  
"Why don't you do that? I'll take the stuff back to the room and wait for you there."

"By wait do you mean wait as in simply waiting, Ray, or wait with intent?"

"Intent is a good thing in the right hands."  
  
"I see." Ben's eyes sparkled with anticipation of ending that wait.  
  
Ray grabbed the blanket, coat, and bag. "See you in a minute, okay?"  
  
"I'll be there shortly."  
  
"I'll start the fire."  
  
"I believe you've already done that, Ray."  
  
Ray chuckled to himself as he walked away, knowing full well Ben didn't take his eyes off him until he was around the corner. It made him hard just to think about what Ben would do once he got through reporting in and doing his duty. Ray realized Ben's company was addictive, something he needed and craved more than anything. Somehow that thought both scared and thrilled him, a combination that made his whole body tingle and his dick weep for the Mountie's undivided attention.

* * *

The fire crackled softly with a kind of calming, jazzy rhythm. Even with the quick nap earlier, Ray was way behind on his shuteye. The last few days and nights with Ben had changed his life and played havoc with getting enough sleep, not that he was complaining. Still, watching the fire as he waited made him sleepy.

When Ben finally came through the door, Ray kept his eyes shut as he spoke quietly. "How'd it go?"  
  
"Fairly well. Unfortunately, we're supposed to all meet in the main conference room in about an hour for closing out the program."  
  
Ray woke up for that. "An hour? Damn, and here I am all naked."  
  
Feigning shock, Ben fought off a grin. "Naked, Ray? It's the middle of the day?"  
  
"Yeah, but I was waiting with intent. I think that's a class B felony or something."  
  
Ben gave up his pretense and grinned as he unbuttoned his flannel shirt. "I know of no such classification, Ray."  
  
"Well, there should be, because what I'm thinking about is downright criminal." Ray lay on his back, his hands behind his head as he watched Ben strip off, enjoying the show immensely. "I thought we only had an hour?"  
  
"Experience tells me that we can do quite a bit in an hour's time."  
  
"That's a fact, though it'd be nice if they made it a little later."  
  
Ben locked eyes with Ray as he slipped off his Henley and then his boxer briefs. Standing there naked, already half hard, Ben moved around to the other side of the bed and slipped under the covers. Ray turned over and wrapped him up in his arms, kissing the side of his neck, breathing in the rich scent of sweat and pure Fraser, a great mix. "You smell great."  
  
"As do you."  
  
"Not as good as you."  
  
Ben rubbed his whiskers against Ray's shoulder, his body shifting in even closer to Ray. A leg pushed between Ray's thighs and a hand slipped down between them. Ray jumped a little bit, not expecting the touch, but moaning as Ben stroked him, getting him good and hard in a hurry. Ben whispered into his ear. "I love you."  
  
"Me, too."  
  
Ben pushed Ray on his back, sliding over him, his weight a delicious pressure up and down Ray's body. He kissed Ray's eyes, his nose, and then devoured his mouth, Ben's tongue strong and urgent. Lining up their dicks, Ben shoved against him, the whole time keeping the kiss going. Light dimmed around him as Ray worked hard to keep breathing, the pleasure of having Ben thrust against him like a witness to their love, to their connection. Hands gripped Ray's head and held it steady as Ben delved even deeper with his tongue, swabbing the back, sucking and licking. All the while, Ben never let up, pushed and shoved against Ray, changing the angle, grinding his hips, making just the right contact.  
  
Ray's body took off without him, flying high and burning into dust. His cock shot its load before he could catch it, not that he wanted to stop it, not a bit. It was just so damn fast, his head spinning and sparkly behind his eyelids. Even as he shuddered with coming, Ben still kept moving, not quite there yet. Grunting in frustration, Ben humped into him, sweating and panting, no longer kissing, just damn determined to get off.

Grabbing Ben's ass with both hands, Ray pulled him forward suddenly, lifting his own hips to push against Ben's crotch. Ben roared as he jerked and shuddered, his head up and his back arched with the painful pleasure of coming harder than he ever expected. That image of Ben coming, not thinking of anybody but himself in just that instant, turned Ray's crank something awful.

Breathing again, but deadweight, Ben draped himself over Ray. The words came out raw and raspy. "Dear Lord."  
  
"Yeah, I hear ya." Ray kissed the side of Ben's sweaty face. "Seems like when we don't think we can get any better, we get better. Go figure."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Ray enjoyed lying under Ben's body, the pressure like a really heavy security blanket, but after a few minutes his whiny lungs complained about needing air. He shifted a bit and Ben took the hint, rolling to the side, his head still resting on Ray's chest. They snuggled there together. Ray in a million years would never have pegged Ben for a guy who liked to cuddle, but he'd have been wrong, dead wrong, about as wrong as a guy could get. Ben should win an award for cuddling, get a trophy, wear the blue ribbon. Ray tightened his hold on Ben and kissed the top of his head.

"Ray?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I like this."  
  
"Yeah, me, too." When Ben didn't say anything, but his breathing got a little uneven, Ray prompted. "What are you thinking?"  
  
After a brief hesitation and a longer, deeper breath, Ben lifted his head. "I don't want this to end."  
  
"Me, either. So, like are you worried that something might happen to make it end?"  
  
Ben dropped his head back to Ray's chest again, his voice almost wistful. "This has been like a dream, Ray, a very romantic dream in a very idealistic setting. I fear that when we return to Chicago that the pressures and the reality of our situation will cause problems."  
  
"Not unless you start acting all nutty again, running into buildings on your own and stuff."  
  
"I promised to endeavor not to do that."  
  
"Good." 

"However, the fact remains that on our return, we will be back in an environment that will likely be hostile to our relationship."  
  
"Only if we let it."  
  
"Ray"  
  
"No, listen. I've got a plan."  
  
"A plan?"  
  
"Yeah, I get plans from time to time, too, you know. You're not the only guy on the planet who can plan stuff."  
  
Ben lifted his head, his lips thinned into a patient smile. "I'm well aware of your ability to form a plan, Ray. What plan do you have in mind?"  
  
Biting his lower lip, almost afraid to say it, Ray blurted it out before he lost his nerve. "I want you to move in with me."  
  
Shock flickered through Ben's eyes at first, but then the blue softened. "Are you sure, Ray? It would be quite an adjustment for both of us. Your apartment is rather small for two men."  
  
"Not as small as that closet you call a home and an office at your place."  
  
"True enough. Still"  
  
"Look, we can always get another place if you want, something bigger, more rooms, maybe a doggie door for Dief. The point is, where we live doesn't really matter. I just want us to live together." Before Ben had a chance to say no, Ray kept talking, trying to delay something he might not want to hear. "Now, the question is, can you handle that or not? If not, I need to know why. If you can, then we'll pack your stuff as soon as we get back and I'll get another key made."  
  
Ben's hand fanned on Ray's bare chest, petting the soft golden hair as he considered Ray's plan. Ray worried that he'd gone too far, that he'd ruined it, making it too real for Ben to handle. Finally, Ben nodded. "If you're sure, Ray, I'd love to move in with you." Before Ray could say greatness, Ben added, "On one condition."  
  
Damn. Leave it to Ben to throw a wrench in the works. "What condition?"  
  
"I want to pay half the expenses."  
  
Relieved, Ray smiled, grateful that Ben wanted things to be equal between them, no lop-sided partnership that might fall on its head. "Sure, okay, that works. I can live with that. I thought you were going to say something else."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"I don't know. I thought maybe you might want something like separate beds or rooms or something so people wouldn't know."  
  
Ben drew him in for an embrace and brief kiss. He rested cheek-to-cheek as he whispered, "That would defeat the purpose of living together, would it not?"  
  
"Yeah, it would, but"  
  
"But what? Did you think I would insist on some kind of artifice in our own home?"  
  
"Artifice?"

"Pretense, ruse, lie, something to fool the neighbors as it were."  
  
"Kind of stupid, huh?"  
  
"Not at all." Ben pulled back, his hand on Ray's chin as he lifted it to look directly into his eyes. "You made your position clear earlier. You said you didn't care who knew. I feel the same way."

Still worried and unsure, Ray sat back against the pillow. "What if Thatcher gives you grief?"  
  
"No need to worry on that account, Ray. Inspector Thatcher and I have an unspoken agreement. She doesnt comment on my personal affairs and I don't mention her numerous trysts with some rather important foreign dignitaries, liaisons that might prove embarrassing should they come to light."  
  
Ray's eyes widened in shock. "You blackmailed the Ice Queen?"  
  
"Of course not, Ray. As you well know, extortion's illegal. It's just that we both fully appreciate the importance of the boundary between duty and one's personal affairs. I assure you, Inspector Thatcher won't be a problem."  
  
Snorting in amusement, Ray realized that all those times he thought the Inspector had the upper hand, she had nothing on Fraser. "What about Turnbull?"  
  
This time Ben laughed and scooted in to sit closer to Ray as they talked. "Turnbull will more likely want to cater a reception in our honor."  
  
Ray had to admit Ben had a point. Turnbull wouldn't be the type of guy to throw any stones about gay relationships. "So, what about the guys at the 2-7? You ready to take them on?"  
  
Ben lost his smile, his face suddenly more serious. "I will admit that the homophobia runs a bit deeper than I ever anticipated when I first came here. I hear anti-gay epithets on a daily basis, some even directed at myself."  
  
"Directed at you?"  
  
"I'm sure you're aware of Detective Dewey's comments about my orientation, Ray. I assume that's part of the reason you and he are at loggerheads so often."  
  
Slack-jawed, Ray turned and stared. How could Ben know something like that and be so calm, act like it didn't matter? "You knew about that?"  
  
"Of course, I knew, Ray. You dont call me bat ears for no reason."  
  
"Why didn't you say something?"  
  
"What should I say? He is, after all, essentially correct. I am gay."  
  
"But not the way he says it, the way he makes it sound dirty."  
  
Ben reached down and took Ray's hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing gently. "Unfortunately, men like Dewey are not a rarity. When we reveal our current status, I fear we'll find out just how prevalent such an attitude happens to be."

"Believe me, Ben, I've thought about all that. Fuck 'em."  
  
"Ray"  
  
"No, I mean it. Fuck 'em. I don't care what they think. I really don't.  
  
Ben saved the best for last and hit him with something Ray didn't expect, but should've. "What about your parents, Ray? I know you said before that you didn't care what they think, but are you absolutely sure about that? They are, after all, still your parents. You've only recently reconciled. Are you sure you want to risk losing them again?"  
  
Dropping his head back against the headboard, Ray closed his eyes. Of all the things he most didn't want to think about while he sat naked and holding hands with Ben, it was his parents. "I do care what they think, but I can't control what they think or how they'll react. I'm not going to make myself crazy worrying about it. Life's too fucking short."

Ben squeezed his hand again in sympathy. "I'm sorry."

Ray opened his eyes and turned his head to stare at the man he loved more than anything or anyone. "If they can't handle us being together, that's their problem, not mine."  
  
"It translates to the same thing, Ray."  
  
"Maybe, but I don't care. I'm not giving you up because my parents are hung up on ideas from the stone age. Besides, like I said, Mum will probably get used to it if I give her enough time. Hell, before it's over, she might even knit you a sweater and iron your shirts."

"Which would be a lovely gesture. I'd like to think she'll someday come to think of me as her son-in-law."  
  
"Son-in-law, huh?"  
  
"Something to that effect, yes."  
  
Ray turned on his side and slid down in the bed, pulling Ben with him. He kissed that tasty mouth and then teased Ben's lower lip with his thumb. "You know, we haven't talked about it, but things are changing in the world, especially in your neck of the woods. One of these days we might even have a chance to get married. Would you be into that, you know, the whole I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband thing, in sickness and in health, forever and ever?"  
  
Ben's eyes softened to a shade of blue Ray had never seen before, sort of like a silvery blue mist full of sparkle. "Are you asking me to marry you, Ray?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess I am, sort of."  
  
"Sort of?"  
  
"Nothat is, I mean, yeah, I am. Will you marry me? I know we can't go to the church or the Justice of the Peace or anything, but we could do something, exchange rings or exchange vows or something." Ray stole another kiss and waited, holding his breath, hoping like hell Ben loved him enough to say yes.

"I'd love to marry you, Ray."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes. We can plan a ceremony if you like for later in the year, perhaps in this spring or early summer. We could come back here for the honeymoon."  
  
"Honeymoon?"  
  
"I do believe it's customary for those taking such a life-altering step to take a conjugal vacation for the express purpose of consummating their marriage."  
  
Overjoyed, Ray laughed and shook his head, teasing Ben's hair with his fingers. "I think it's a little late for the consummation part."  
  
"On the contrary, Ray. In modern times, it's not unheard of for partners to engage in sexual relations before the actual event. That being said, that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the romantic ideal of taking time to celebrate our union in a way that enhances our commitment."  
  
"God, I love the way you talk." Ray sealed their decision with another long kiss, his head and dick just full of ideas about consummating their love later on that evening.

* * *

The closing meeting didn't last long and the only surprise happened when Jim stood up and gave a testimonial, saying how much he learned about good team building working with Fraser. Ray beamed with pride as Ben turned red as a beet when asked to stand and give a bow as an outstanding team leader. 

When they adjourned, Jim and Wendy hurried up beside them before they could get away. Jim held out his hand to Ray first. "I just wanted to say thanks."  
  
Ray shook hands and nodded. "Not a problem."  
  
"You know, I thought you were a first class asshole to start out with, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I sort of had the same impression of you, too."  
  
"Just shows, you can't judge a book by it's cover. Or maybe you can, but that doesnt mean that that's all there is." Jim turned to Ben. "And you, Fraser, you're the biggest surprise. I never expected to like somebody like you, but I do. You're okay in my book."  
  
Shaking Jim's hand, Ben didn't quite get Jim's meaning. "Somebody like me? In what context are you referring?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, Canadian."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"And gay."  
  
"I see." Ben's mouth tightened up and Ray stood up straighter, getting ready to step up if he needed to say something or punch the guy's lights out.  
  
Jim lifted his hand to stall any bad reaction and shook his head. "Don't take that the wrong way." 

Wendy put a cautionary hand on Jim's arm before he put his other foot in his mouth. "Jim, I think you've said enough."  
  
"No, Im serious. I not trying to be a jerk here, honest. I think we need to see more guys like you two, guys who might be queer but who can do the job without that getting in the way."  
  
Instead of being insulted, Ben nodded. "We appreciate that, Jim. Too many times people rush to judgment with preconceived notions."  
  
"That's a fact. Anyway, I just wanted you two to know how I felt." He turned and took Wendy by the arm, all smiles. "While we're at it, I want you guys to be the first to know something else."  
  
Ray didn't want to hear what he thought was coming, but he asked anyway. "The first to know what?"  
  
"Wendy and me, we're going to get married. I asked her and she finally said yes."  
  
Wendy avoided looking straight at Ray, doing a piss-poor job of pretending to be as thrilled about the announcement as Jim was. She knew damn well what Ray thought about their chances. Despite that, Ray pulled out his best I can fake it with the best of them grin. "Congratulations. Hope you guys will be happy."  
  
Nodding, oblivious to Wendy's less than enthused reaction, Jim added, "You guys want to join us for a drink? We're going to have one to celebrate and then pack. We're going to head home tonight before the roads get too bad."  
  
Ben answered first. "Let me add congratulations about your good news and we appreciate the invitation. However, I don't drink and we've got a few more things to do as well."  
  
"That's too bad." Jim held up a hand to say so long. "Well, it was nice meeting you. You guys ever get to Peoria, you look us up."  
  
"Sure thing." Ray watched as they walked away, making sure they were out of earshot before he turned to Ben. "They don't have a chance in hell."  
  
"Now, you don't **know** that, Ray."

As they walked back to their room, Ray disagreed. "Oh, I know it all right, deep down in my gut, just like I know most when a perp's lying his ass off."  
  
"How can you be so sure?"  
  
"She doesn't love him, or not the way you need to love somebody to spend your whole life with a guy."  
  
Ben stopped walking, frowning. "How do you know that?"  
  
"She told me."  
  
"She **told** you?"

"Yeah, she did, when she came by before."  
  
"Then why" Ben raised a hand to stop his own words. "Never mind. It's not our business, Ray. Wendy's made her own choice."  
  
"A really bad choice. The guy's going to get his heart stomped."  
  
"If what you say is true, then, yes, that's quite likely. Still, there's little to be gained by discussing a relationship between two people we hardly know."  
  
Ray shrugged and they continued to walk. "Yeah, I know. It's just weird. I mean, I didn't ask for her to tell me all that personal stuff. She just did."  
  
"That's because she trusted you."  
  
"Beats me why, though. She didnt know me from Adam. I was just some guy who shared a drink when she was looking for a pickup. I don't think that qualifies me as best friend, tell me all your secrets material."  
  
"Perhaps she has instincts, too."  
  
"What's that got to do with it?"  
  
"Well, instinctively she knew she could trust you as a confidante."  
  
"Ben, she wanted to fuck me. How's that make me trustworthy?"  
  
"I suppose the fact that you didn't accept her proposal gave her the confidence she needed to see you as more than just a possible sexual encounter. She extrapolated your potential for fidelity from that."  
  
"Yeah, maybe. I hope it works out, but I'm not going to hold my breath."  
  
They didn't say anything else until they got back to the room. Once there, Ray flopped down and fell back on the bed. "So, school's out and it looks like we got a snow day after all. What do you want to do with it?"  
  
Ben moved around the room, sort of restless, avoiding Ray's gaze. "We still have the room until tomorrow at noon."  
  
"True, but if we stay, there's a chance we'll get snowed in."  
  
"And it's likely that our services will be needed in the city if there's extreme weather."  
  
Ray put his hands behind his head, studying Ben who busied himself straightening things that didn't really need straightening. "Hey, Ben, why do I get the feeling you don't want to head back today?"  
  
"Because you're a very good detective."  
  
Ray reached out a hand. "Come sit down." Ben took his hand and as soon as he settled down, Ray pulled him in to lie beside him. They lay quietly for a few moments, both men stretched across the bed, their feet off the edge. Heaving a sigh, Ben relaxed against Ray's body. "Tell me what you want, Ben. What are you thinking?"  
  
"I know it's selfish. The sensible thing would be to pack and head back to Chicago today, but"  
  
"But you want this to last as long as we can string it out, right?"  
  
"Yes." Ben snuggled in closer, his eyes squeezed shut. "I want just one more night here alone, just us, no other responsibilities."  
  
"I get that." Ray teased Ben's hair with his fingers and then kissed the top of his head. 

"What is it you get, Ray?"  
  
"I get that sensible is a pain in the ass sometimes. I get that we just got engaged and I'm thinking it'd be nice to just hang around, maybe go see the eagles, have dinner later. Might even light a fire and have a hot and heavy roll in the hay before we take off tomorrow."  
  
Ben chuckled, the vibrations tickling Ray's chest. "That sounds like a lovely plan."

"Yeah. I think I'm getting the hang of this making a plan stuff."  
  
"Indeed." Ben hesitated before he added, "Still, the roads might be more treacherous tomorrow."

"I've got chains in the trunk. In fact, if we're staying the night, we should probably clear off the car and put those on before we return those sticks we borrowed that you want us to lug back. I mean, what's a few snowflakes to a Canadian raised in the middle of an iceberg?"

"It wasn't an iceberg, Ray."  
  
"Iceberg, icebox, you know what I'm saying. It was cold and snowy. A few inches of white stuff isn't a big deal when you're used to mountains of the stuff."

Ben sat up, staring into Ray's eyes, his hand on his chest. "Thank you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For understanding."  
  
Ray lifted his arm and caressed Ben's cheek. "Hey, I'm in no hurry to get back to the big city, especially if nature's going to dump a foot of snow on the streets. Besides, we've got a right to celebrate. It's not everyday a guy gets engaged."  
  
Capturing Ray's hand at his face, Ben kissed the palm. "I've never been engaged, Ray, never been married. I've never even been in what might be considered a stable, long-term relationship."  
  
"Yeah? So what? I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Doesn't mean I know any more than you do about what makes it work. I just know that I'm bound and determined to do whatever I have to make this one work."  
  
"Me, too."  
  
"Then we're on the same page here and that's all that matters."  
  
Ben leaned over and kissed him, lightly at first and then deeper. When he pulled back, Ben's eyes gleamed and he smiled wider than when he spoke of Canada and the Queen, which was pretty damn wide. "I love you, Ray."  
  
Ray answered that with a kiss, thinking love didn't even begin to cover how much he felt for this man.

* * *

After they cleaned off the GTO and put the chains on the tires, Ray started the car and let it run for a while to make sure the battery charged. Then he turned off the engine, climbed out, and slammed the door shut. "Bunch of wimps can't take a little snow."  
  
"Ray, they're being more practical than we are."  
  
"Practical's no fun. I'd rather do what feels right." Ray stretched and then smacked his gloved hands together to dust off the grime and ice. He smiled as he checked out the nearly deserted parking lot. "Looks like we're going to have the place pretty much to ourselves for the night. Works for me."  
  
"That should also allow us a great deal more freedom on the trails as well." Ben picked up the two wooden poles they'd used to transport Ray back earlier that morning and handed one to Ray. "Right now we need to return these. When we've done that, I thought we could take the river trail back to see if we can do some eagle spotting."

Ray looked at the poles and shook his head in reluctant acceptance of the fact that he was going to marry a freak, a guy who would walk over a mile and a half in the snow just to return a piece of wood to where he got it. When he grinned for no apparent reason, Ben noticed.  
  
"What's so funny, Ray?"

"I was just thinking to myself that you're a freak for wanting to go out of your way to do this but then I figured that made me as much of a freak because I'm right beside you."  
  
"I appreciate the fact that not everyone would be so accepting of my feelings about our responsibility to the ecosystem. Thank you for, as you would say, getting it."  
  
"What I get is that it's important to you, so it's important to me, too." Ray stabbed the pole at the snow, making little holes all around his boots. "Let's hit the road or snowy trails or whatever."

Ben reached out and grabbed Ray's arm. "Thank you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For what you just said. I feel the same way. If something is important to you, then it will also be important to me as well."  
  
"I think that just goes along with the territory, Ben. It's called being partners."  
  
Considering that carefully, Ben added his own two cents. "That certainly would explain why I'm thinking more and more about chocolate of late."  
  
Ray laughed out loud and slapped Ben on the shoulder. "Let's get this done and when we get back, we can finish off that fudge you got."  
  
"Not before dinner, Ray."  
  
"It's supper, and, okay, after we eat then."  
  
Nodding in both agreement and approval, Ben headed out, going pretty fast considering all the snow coming down. Ray kept up, but he used the wood pole to maintain his balance. He found it a lot easier going back to the canyon, like he weighed a lot less without all the worry he'd had before. Now he knew Ben wanted him for more than just sex and for doing the job. He wanted Ray for a lifetime. That put a spring back in Ray's step he thought he'd lost forever. 

Beside him Ben hummed and Ray listened, trying to name that tune. By the fourth chorus, Ray gave up and asked, "What is that?"  
  
"What's what?"  
  
"That song you're humming. What is it?" Ben didn't stop walking, but thought for a moment before he answered. He said a few words Ray couldn't make out, all choppy and foreign. "Speak English."  
  
"Actually, I don't think there is an English translation for the title. It's an Inuit song I used to hear when I was growing up."  
  
"Inuit, huh? It's nice, different, but nice."  
  
"I agree. The melody came to me as we were walking. Now that I think about it, it makes sense."  
  
"What does?"  
  
"That I'd hum this particular song. It's a love song."  
  
Ray stopped and grinned ear-to-ear. "A love song?"  
  
"Yes, it tells a story of two young people who fight and win against all odds to be together."  
  
"Do you know the words?"  
  
"Not enough to really sing it in a fashion to do it justice, no. It was a long time ago and I was quite young. Still, the tune is rather memorable."  
  
"Yeah, it is. Hum some more."  
  
As they walked again, Ben hummed, the soothing sound of his voice mixing in with the winter's wind. It made Ray shiver and not from the cold, but from the knowledge that the song sort of symbolized how he felt about Ben. What he felt didn't really need words, didn't translate into any kind of language other than how his body ached for the man. 

By the time they reached the hill from that morning, all their earlier tracks were snow-covered. Ben put the poles right back in position against the other fallen branches and then turned to Ray. "We should hurry. The snowfall is increasing."  
  
"What about the eagles?"  
  
"We can still take the river route, but we might not see many eagles. They don't usually fly when there's this much wind or snow. Still, we might see their nests if we go up to the overlook."  
  
"Sure, okay."  
  
They hurried together, Ben no longer humming, and Ray working to keep up. The wind lashed at his face as the snow spit in his eyes. Ray pulled his wool cap down further to cover his ears and wrapped his arms around himself to keep warm. Heading back got tougher as they worked their way uphill. By the time they got to the upper ridge, Ray had to struggle to catch his breath. Ben locked his right arm with Ray's left and held him steady as they looked out over the river, the trees edging the high embankment all laced in white.  
  
Ben held out his free arm, pointing. "There, Ray, out on Plum Island. Do you see it? There's a nest, just to the right along the tree line."  
  
Ray scanned the distance, but he only saw a bunch of blurry trees. The wind stung his eyes as he shook his head. "I should've brought my glasses. I don't see anything."  
  
Releasing him for a moment, Ben reached into his pocket and pulled out his spyglass. He peered through it and lined up the view before he handed it to Ray. "Here. Look through this."  
  
Ray did that, finally seeing not one, but two eagles. One perched in a nest, the other gripping the limb beside it. Each bird appeared hunched and hunkered down, ready to weather the coming storm. "Wow, that's cool."  
  
Ray handed back the spyglass. As Ben slipped it into his pocket, Ray asked, "How could you see that so far away?"  
  
"I've got good eyesight."  
  
"I know, but"  
  
"And I know where to look. In weather like this, the pair will stay put until conditions improve."  
  
"The pair?"  
  
"Yes. Eagles mate for life, Ray."  
  
"Yeah? So, those two are like an old married couple, huh?"  
  
Ben turned, meeting Ray's heated gaze. "Yes."  
  
"Sort of like us, then?"  
  
"Exactly like us."

"Mated for life?"

"Forever, Ray."

Ray reached up, cupped Ben's face with his gloved hand. He leaned in and kissed him, snowflakes sprinkled on the hot skin, melting when their mouths met. When he pulled back, Ray whispered, "Let's go back to the lodge and get warm."  
  
"An excellent idea."  
  
Ben wrapped Ray in his arms, the embrace strangely muted because of the bulky coats between them. Ben squeezed him and then released before he held out his arm in the old courting gesture. "Would you do me the honor of walking me back, Ray?"  
  
Smiling and happy, Ray took his arm and together they headed back to the lodge. Sure there weren't many people around, but Ray knew that it didn't matter. In the future they'd go arm-in-arm through life no matter what other people thought.

* * *

With only four other couples eating supper, Ray glanced around at all the empty tables in the dining room. "Feels weird."  
  
"What's that, Ray?"  
  
"This place is usually packed and there's hardly anybody here."  
  
"Does it bother you that we seem to be one of the few who stayed for the night?"  
  
"No, it just feels weird, that's all." Ben didn't say anything else, but sipped his tea as they waited for their meals. Ray drank some of his beer and noted that look, that kind of pinched, constipated look Ben got when he disapproved of something. "What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Not nothing. What are you thinking?"  
  
"You know I don't drink. I've just never really understood the need in others to do so."  
  
"There's no **need** to drink here. I just like beer with my dinner sometimes, that's all."  
  
"I see."  
  
Just the snippy tone tripped a trigger in Ray's brain, made him pissed. It was like Ben didn't believe him. "You don't want me to drink?"  
  
"It's not what I want or don't want, Ray. It's up to you."  
  
"It's just a beer."  
  
"I understand that. It's justwell, that is to say"  
  
"What?"  
  
"We never really discussed what happened the first night we were here."  
  
Ray put down the beer and closed his eyes for a moment to get a grip. He should've figured Ben would bring that up eventually. When he opened his eyes again, Ben watched him, just waiting patiently for what he might say in his defense. "Do we really need to discuss it?"

"I think we do, yes."

"Okay, here it is. It happened. I drank too much and got sick. Call me stupid, but it's done, it's over, and hopefully it won't happen again. Doesn't mean I don't want to have a beer or a drink now and then."  
  
"As long as there's moderation, there shouldn't be a problem. It's just, well, sometimes, Ray, I worry."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"The other night wasn't exactly an isolated incident. There have been other times when you drank to excess and suffered the consequences."  
  
Ray frowned and shook his head, wondering what the fuck Ben was talking about. No way could he know about the bender after Ben nearly got himself killed for no good reason a few weeks ago when they split up. "Like when?"  
  
"Well, the pattern seems to be when you get upset about something."  
  
Fuck. Ray remembered how Ben had shown up at the bar to drive him home when he got seriously ploughed after finally arresting that bastard who raped his twelve-year-old daughter. "Like the McCoy case?"

"Yes, as well as when Alfred Bailey was released on bail."  
  
"And the fucker skipped. Yeah, I remember." Leave it to Ben to bring up some of the worst cases ever. Bailey had killed his wife and child and still got out on bail before he flew off to who knows where. He hated the judicial system sometimes, how it fucked up and let people get away when they should never see the light of day again much less wander the streets free as a bird.  
  
Ben repeated himself. "It's just that I worry, that's all."

Ray sat back in seat, shocked. He hadn't realized Ben truly thought he had a problem. "You really worry about me drinking too much?"  
  
"Sometimes, yes."  
  
"Then stop. I don't have a problem. I'll admit that sometimes I might get drunk because things get too tough, too hard to handle, but it's not an everyday thing or something that's out of hand. A lot of people do that. You take long walks, I knock back a few extra. It's not a big deal."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
Before Ray answered, the waitress served their meals, broiled Salmon with dill sauce for Ben and a T-bone steak, well done, for Ray. As soon as she left, Ray cleared his throat, ignoring his food. He had a theory and needed to test it. "Let me ask you something first before I answer that."  
  
Ben put down his fork and waited. "What would you like to ask?"  
  
"You ever have somebody in your family who drank too much on a regular basis, someone you'd label an alcoholic maybe?"  
  
Ben hesitated before he answered, his voice tight over the words. "Not someone in my family, no. However, I had a friend who was a habitual drinker."  
  
"A friend? Was this a **friend** friend or a friend like in a lover?"  
  
Ben pinked up a little before he finally got the words out. "It was Innusiq. He was my closest childhood friend before he became something more."  
  
Ray's mouth fell open in shock before he snapped his jaw shut. He processed that bit of information, something he hadn't known. Ben mentioned Innusiq several times as his childhood buddy, but Ray had no idea it had been more than that. The fact that the guy had a drinking problem put Ben's reaction to his occasionally getting drunk in a whole new light. "So you're saying this Innusiq guy was an alcoholic?"  
  
"I considered it to be the case. He didn't."  
  
"Is that why you two broke up?"  
  
Ben raised his eyes to meet Ray's questioning gaze and shook his head. "Not entirely. It was one of many factors."  
  
"Yeah? Not a good break up?"  
  
"No. It ended badly."  
  
No way did Ray want to wade into all that history right at that moment, so he didn't go down that road. Instead, he focused on reassuring Ben that he didn't have to worry about a repeat of that chapter in his life. "I'm sorry about that."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"But I'm not Innusiq. I think the fact that you went through all that stuff before might be making you a little gun shy."  
  
"Gun shy?"  
  
"Yeah, afraid that it's going to happen again, but it won't, not with me. You don't have to worry about me having a problem, because I don't." Ray leaned in a little closer and lowered his voice. Sure there were only a handful of others in the room, but he didn't want anybody getting a free show. "The other night, I was upset. I thought I'd lost you over something stupid. After you took off, I kind of lost it. It was dumb. If I'd been at home, maybe I would've gone to the gym and boxed a few rounds, or maybe gone to the station and worked a case or something. The thing was, I was stuck here and so I kind of took advantage of the bottle." 

"Or it took advantage of you."  
  
Ray grinned and shrugged at the truth. "That's a fact. The point is, don't worry about it."  
  
"I can't help it, Ray. I want to believe you, and I do believe that you think that it's not an issue."  
  
"But your gut says different?"  
  
"It's my nature to see the full range of possibilities."

"Okay, fair enough. Why don't we just say this? If I start going off the deep end, tying one on and getting shit-faced for no reason, then you have the right to tell me to knock it off. I promise I'll listen."  
  
Ben's expression lightened a little. "That seems reasonable."

"Good. Meanwhile, I'll do the whole moderation thing, a drink or two and no more. Will that make you happy?"  
  
This time Ben's smile reached his eyes. "Extremely."  
  
"Good. Now, let's dig in before the chow gets too cold to chew." Ray picked up his knife and fork to slice his steak. He glanced up to see Ben staring at him with that I love you look, the one he'd seen before but could never translate before a few days ago. If Ben never said the words out loud again, Ray knew he'd always know the truth about what Ben felt by just reading it in his eyes, eyes that told him everything he needed to know about Ben's devotion. Ray grinned and nodded. "Yeah, me, too."  
  
"Me, too, what, Ray?"  
  
"Love you."  
  
"Ah." Ben smiled wider as he finally started in on the Salmon.

  
Ray knew he wouldn't need to order dessert from the menu because once he got Ben back to the room, it'd be hot and sweet enough to die for.

* * *

His belly full, Ray walked into the room, putting his key on the table. He sat down on the edge of the bed, watching as Ben kneeled on the hearth, working to get the fire just right. As Ben did that, Ray got his boots off and slipped off his sweater, the room already warmer than it had been. When Ben stood and turned around, he stopped and just stood there, watching. "What?"  
  
"You're a beautiful man, Ray. I'm very lucky."  
  
It was Ray's turn to blush. He wasn't used to anyone calling him beautiful, not even Stella, and certainly no one else since then. "Come on, stop. You know next to you, I look like some skinny punk."  
  
Shaking his head, Ben sat down beside him. "On the contrary, Ray. I find your tough and wiry physique quite attractive." Ben ran his fingers through Ray's hair as Ray closed his eyes to drink in the touch. "I love every part of your appearance, Ray, every part of you. You're like sunlight on a dark day, golden and bright, something to see when all light fails, a beacon as it were."

Ray dropped his head forward as Ben ran his hand gently up and down the back of his neck. "God, Ben, who knew you were such a romantic?"  
  
"I'm not with most people, but with you, it's how I feel. My love for you is sometimes overwhelming. I've never felt anything like this before." 

Ben's shaky voice brought Ray's head up as he met Ben's gaze, the blue eyes dark and misty. "Yeah? You mean that? Are you saying you didn't love those other guys, those other people you were with?"  
  
"I thought I loved them, but I had no real appreciation for the power of the emotion, no way to truly gauge what real love is. Even when I wanted to sacrifice my life for Victoria, I never felt like this. That came from a darkness inside myself, something I couldnt explain. This is totally different. You bring warmth and sunshine to a once very cold place which is now bathed by your glorious presence in my life."

Ben had never spoken about Victoria before. Ray had read the file, had been baffled by the details, completely confused about what motivated the Fraser he knew to act like a crazy fool in love. Now he knew. Ben thought he'd found the one and only, but now realized that the destructive power he felt had nothing to do with the real blasting force of true love. It knocked a guy on his ass just so he could get up and beg for more. Ray knew all about that with Stella, but he also knew that what he felt for Ben made what he had with her seem puny, downright scrawny and underfed.

Ray took Ben's hand in his own and held it up to his chest over his heart. "I get that, Ben, I really do, but let's not get too carried away here. Don't try to make me better than I am. You do that and you'll end up waking up one morning thinking what the hell you did to end up with such a secondhand loser. I've got my faults."  
  
Ben chuckled and shook his head in amusement. His eyes sparkled in the low light of the room, his face partly in the shadows, but Ray still saw the wonderful smile. "Ray, I'm in love, but I'm not blind and I certainly haven't completely lost my sense of reason. I know you're not perfect, but by the same token, neither am I. That's what I'm trying to say in my inept, rather obtuse, way. I love you despite your failings or mine and that's the wonder of it, the sheer joy I feel in knowing that we can still love one another regardless of our differences and failings."

"Damn, and here I thought you thought I was the dream guy, the perfect catch." Ray teased Ben's face with his free hand, his other still holding Ben's.  
  
"You are my dream guy, Ray. I've been dreaming of finding you since as far back as I can remember. I just never thought I'd find you outside the fantasy."  
  
"Fooled you."  
  
"Yes, yes, you did." Ben leaned in and kissed him, gently at first and then with more force. When he pulled back, he whispered, "Let's get undressed and under the covers, Ray."  
  
"You got plans?"  
  
"Several, all of them carnal. You?"  
  
"Oh, yeah." 

Both men stood and got naked, Ray hitting the bed first since he'd already taken his boots off. As he crawled under the covers, he watched in fascination as Ben finished stripping down. Even in the half-light of the fire, he saw the stretch of all those defined muscles under pale skin. Ben could be a model, have his picture taken and every woman in the world and most of the men would want some. They'd never get it though, not if Ray had anything to say about it. The Mountie belonged to him, all of him, every Canadian bit from the rocks in his head to his crooked, little toes. Ray lifted the cover and let Ben slide in beside him, the heat rolling off his body. 

Kisses started first on Ray's face, his eyes, his nose, even his ears before Ben decided to meet mouth-to-mouth. Sliding up and over, Ben weighed him down as he rediscovered the joys of kissing Ray, exploring his mouth like it was the first time they'd ever kissed. Ray joined in the fun, his hands roaming up along Ben's sides and over the top of his ass. Shudders answered Ray's touches whenever he came close to stroking Ben's backside. Ray loved doing that, making Ben shake and moan as he got more and more turned on.

Ben pulled his head back, his eyes nearly black. "Ray, I want to do something."  
  
"I think we're doing something."  
  
"No, I mean, something we haven't done before."  
  
"No chocolate?"  
  
Ben smiled, his breathing still a little winded. "No, no chocolate."  
  
"Rats."  
  
"Perhaps later."  
  
Appeased by that, Ray nodded, his dick getting impatient to get back to business. Ray spoke between his kisses to Ben's shoulder. "Okay, sure. So, what do you want to do that you have to ask permission for?"

"I think you'll enjoy it, but you have to trust me."  
  
Ray stopped kissing all that hot Ben skin and met worried eyes. "We're dick-to-dick here, Ben. I couldn't trust you much more than that."  
  
"I know, but, well, we've never discussed anything before we've done it. For this particular practice, I feel the need to ask first."  
  
Ray swallowed hard, not sure if he was ready for what he thought might be coming. Sure, he'd read about it and seen pictures, even had Stella do him lots of times with a strap on, but he wasn't sure about doing it with Ben yet, not bareback without the stuff to do it right. "Ben, I don't know. I think maybe we should wait for a big jump like that, not go hog wild until we get home. We don't even have any condoms or anything for slick."  
  
"Slick?"  
  
"You know, lubrication, KY Jelly, slick."  
  
"Ah." Ben smiled and shook his head. "I wasn't asking about anal intercourse, Ray, though I really would like to discuss that at a later time."  
  
Ray relaxed. "Yeah?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Because I really do want to do that, but just not right now."  
  
"I understand. That's a big step and we didn't actually bring the right accoutrements. You'd need to wear a condom and I'd need to properly prepare myself."  
  
Ray's eyes widened and he held up a hand. "Hold on. You're saying you'd be expecting me to do you?"  
  
"Do me?"  
  
"Yeah, me do you instead of you doing me?"  
  
Ben frowned and then his face turned a bright red and he chuckled. "Oh, dear. Ray, I'm sorry. I just assumed you'd be more comfortable if I took the receptive position."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"I suppose because I've always been the receptive partner."  
  
"Get out." Ben's face darkened as he started to pull away before Ray snatched him back. "I don't mean **get out** get out, I mean, I'm stunned, shocked, finding it hard to believe you're always the catcher."

"Why would that be such a surprise, Ray?" Ben slid sideways and Ray turned enough to keep him wrapped in his embrace. 

"Because it is."  
  
"That doesn't really explain why you'd believe I wouldn't be the receptive partner."  
  
"I guess it's because you're such a control freak. I just thought you'd be he top, not the bottom."  
  
"Does it bother you that I'd prefer that?"  
  
"No, I guess. I just thought we'd sort of share it."  
  
Ben perked up, like he'd just heard about inside plumbing after a very long winter. "Share it?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, switch off. I kind of like the idea of being on the bottom sometimes, too."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Sure, why not?"  
  
Ben shook his head like he couldn't quite take it all in. "It honestly just never occurred to me. You've never been with a man, so I just assumed, well, that is to say, I thought that you'd be opposed to trying it like that."  
  
Ray turned on his side, his arms around Ben, his voice soft. "Look, you can do the backdoor thing with a woman, just like a man."  
  
"I understand that part, but"  
  
"And there are toys that let the woman be the top. I don't like to talk about what Stella and I did together. That's kind of private. I will say that if Stella had been a guy, she would've been a top, no problem. As it was, she liked using toys and I didn't mind, either, if you get what I'm saying."  
  
Ray could actually feel the extra heat of Ben's skin as he blushed scarlet. "Ray, that's extraordinary."  
  
"Is it?"  
  
"Well, for me it is. I never imagined you'd be so open to experiences like that, trusting so much, giving up control."  
  
"I give up control to you all the time, and, Jesus, Ben, you've met Stella. How can you say I don't give up control?"  
  
"I guess I wasnt thinking of any of that in a sexual context."  
  
"Well, now you know. I like it both ways." Ray cupped Ben's face, stroking it gently. "And what about you? You want to try doing me when we get home and get all the right stuff?"  
  
"I'd be honored."  
  
"Cool." Ray kissed him, but remembered he needed to ask another question. "So, what is it you wanted to do before?"

"Well, actually, now that I know you're open to anal stimulation, I'd rather just show you."  
  
"Show me what?"  
  
"Turn over, Ray."

Mouth suddenly dry, his dick harder than ever, Ray hoped and prayed that he knew what Ben had in mind. He nodded and then flipped over. Ben moved his body up and over his, his mouth latching on to the back of Ray's neck. He spread Ray's legs to position his knees on the mattress between them. Then slowly, ever so carefully, Ben kissed his spine, all up and down his backbone as he made his way south. Once there, little bites nipped Ray's ass as Ben pulled his cheeks apart, his tongue suddenly flicking out and touching just the right spot. Ray jumped and cried out as Ben's bearded cheeks scraped the sensitive skin, his tongue lapping at his hole just before his spit-slick finger slipped inside. Ray called out Ben's name over and over, chanting it, wanting more as he lifted his hips. He shoved back as Ben alternated between finger-fucking and using his tongue to drive him crazy, to make his whole body tremble with pleasure.

Ray shook all over as the pressure built inside him. He slipped his hand down between his legs to stroke his own dick and pump his hips as Ben worked him into a frenzy. Sweat dripped into Ray's eyes just as his whole body whipped with release, the bright flashes quick like wildfire over dry grass. Even after he came, Ray shivered and shook as Ben eased up, using only his mouth, teeth, and tongue around Ray's ass. Groaning, Ray collapsed and Ben eased back, licking his way up, his body pressing Ray down into the mattress. Kisses covered Ray's shoulders and then stopped as Ben got up and left.  
  
Ray lay there, his eyes shut, his whole body still wracked with aftershocks. He heard running water, but his mind hadn't returned from coming. Everything buzzed, his ears, his skin, his belly, everything. After a few moments, the water stopped and the mattress dipped. A warm cloth wiped first his back and shoulders and then his ass. Ben didn't say a word, but turned him over. Using a second wet cloth, he cleaned Ray's crotch, carefully and with a love that curled Ray's toes. Nobody had ever cared for him that way, took the time to clean up like that. Ben stood up and left again for just a few moments and then returned to get under the covers. Ben drew him in close, the hug strong and just what Ray needed. 

Ray swallowed hard, his throat a little sore from holding back his own screams when he came. "Thank you."  
  
"No, thank you. I've wanted to do that for quite some time."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But what about you?"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"Don't you need to get off, too?" Ray reached down and found Ben's dick, only to be shocked by its spent condition. "You came?"  
  
"Indeed, I did, thank you kindly."  
  
"I don't get it? How could you come just by doing that?"  
  
"Because it's something I enjoy immensely."  
  
"Yeah, me, too. Feel free to enjoy all you want, anytime, any place."  
  
"I appreciate the sentiment, Ray, but somehow, I fear Lt. Welsh might be adverse to such behavior at the station."  
  
"His loss." Eyes still closed, still basking in the afterglow, Ray laughed. "You been thinking about doing that to me in the station?"  
  
Ben cleared his throat. "I must confess to having some rather explicit fantasies, yes."  
  
"Yeah, like what?"  
  
Ben kissed the side of his throat, his voice husky and raw. "After we rest and recover, perhaps I can demonstrate a few."  
  
"Like a hands on demonstration type of thing?"  
  
"Something like that, yes."  
  
"Sounds right up my alley."  
  
"I've thought about those as well, Ray."  
  
"You've thought about alleys?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"As in?"  
  
"As in you pushed against a wall with your jeans down, me on my knees, my mouth"  
  
"Jesus, I get the picture. How do you expect me to work the streets again? Next time we chase some scumbag into an alley, we might never leave."

"There are worse fates, Ray."  
  
"You've got that right." Ray relaxed in Ben's strong embrace, his mind running over a few X-rated ideas of his own. He gripped the arms that held him and whispered, "You ready for this, you and me and all the stuff that'll go with that?"  
  
"I believe I am, Ray."  
  
"Good, then pack your bags, Ben. It's all aboard for readysetgo time."

* * *

The End  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  


 


End file.
